1 Face, 2 Face, 3 Face, 4th Division
by Sallem Cortez 004
Summary: Years after Aizen's defeat, it was ruled that the next generation of Shinigami come along quicker, in order to prevent such a thing from happening again. In enters Kaito, lazy genius son of Ichigo and Rukia. This is the story of his entrance into the Gotei 13, his complete lack of respect for any authority landing him in serious trouble, and his sudden decent into insanity.
1. Chapter 1

Hello everybody! This is my first Bleach fic, so don't be too hard on me if I suck. I've been told by a reliable source that this is a good idea and that I can probably pull it off, so I'm going for it. I'll try to update this thing about once a week if I can manage.

"One more thing!" At the time of writing this, I've only read up to the chapter where Rukia stabs Ichigo for the second time, so I'll be taking plenty of liberties with my writing. I hope this doesn't put off anyone.

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><p>It was morning in the small mountain village of Karakura. A small society with a population of only a few hundred people. Karakura Village was almost completely isolated from the outside world. This is because it was founded a little over 16 years ago for a specific purpose, but more on that later. For now, we'll focus on one particular inhabitant of this village. The inhabitant in question, being the oldest person to be born here.<p>

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><p><strong>Kurosaki Household - 7:00 AM<strong>

An alarm clock could be heard going off in the room of one reluctant to awaken young man. The man in question being the focus of this story.

"Morning already?" Groaned the young man groggily as he moved sluggishly to try an press the snooze button in an effort to get a few more minutes of shuteye before one of his parents came to wake him up rather harshly, only to snap to full attention when he saw the date displayed on the clock.

**February 29**

"Oh yeah," Realized the young man glumly. "That day's finally here, is it?" He sighed as he got out of bed and prepped himself for the day, suddenly not feeling nearly as tired as he had when he first woke up. He went through the usual steps he took every morning: Getting his clothes ready. Getting showered. Brushing his teeth. Combing his long hair and putting it in a ponytail. Combing his abnormally long and droopy eyebrows, mustache, and goatee. If that last part creeps you out, don't feel too bad. He was born with a hair condition that caused hair to grow from every typical surface it could find from the day he was born. He usually kept most surfaces of his body shaved, but left the hair on his head alone, and liked the way the long facial hair he let grow looked.

After finishing his daily grooming, he reluctantly made his downstairs to get some breakfast. When he get their, a familiar spiky orange haired man and a black haired midget woman greeted him. "Hey dad. Hey mom." The young man greeted.

The orange haired man, who you can probably tell is Ichigo by now, and the black hair woman, who you can probably tell is Rukia, both startled at his presence. "Kaito? What are you doing up so early?" Asked Ichigo.

"I couldn't sleep," The young man, now dubbed Kaito responded. "Not on my birthday of all days."

Both his parents visibly stiffened at that remark. After a long silence, Rukia finally spoke. "We were gonna let you sleep in today." She said silently.

"I appreciate the sentiment," Thanked Kaito as he ran a hand through his spiky black hair. "But we all knew this day was coming eventually. There was never really any point in trying to put it off."

Ichigo and Rukia looked at each other in remorse for a few minutes as Kaito went to the stove to make some breakfast. Ichigo sighed as he turned to address his son. "Look, Kaito," He didn't respond, or even turn around to acknowledge him. "I hope you know that we're not trying to hurt you by doing this." Still no answer. "We're between a rock and a hard place here too." Kaito paused in his cooking for a second before continuing. "We never really wanted you to have to go through this, no decent parents would want their kid to have to-"

"Stop." Kaito cut his father off, still not turning to address him. "I've known what my life will be like from as soon as I was old enough to walk and talk. At first I thought it might be cool, that I'd like things better that way... I know better now. The life you intend to have me live isn't the one I chose myself, and you know how much I value my freedom. But I suppose it's at least somewhat reassuring to know that instead of having to choose from countless paths in life, some of which may not even work, you have a solid, low, and more manageable number to work with." Kaito sighed again. "I just wish that... I had choices that didn't involve the military."

There it was, laid out bare. Kaito had long since held two major philosophies in life. Violence is meant only for video games and manga, and to partake in a life of peace, the arts, and overall laziness is the highest honor one could attain. The mere idea of fighting in real life was appalling to him. Though these were philosophies he truly held, he wasn't above using them as an excuse to slack off. His parents could barely get him to train in the local Dojo.

This brings us to what the mountain village of Karakura was constructed for. A few years after Aizen's betrayal of Seireitei, it was determined that, in order to better prepare for, and possibly even to prevent such an event from happening in the future, all newborn Shinigami would be raised and trained in a secluded village constructed and owned by Seireitei. To help progress this along quickly, the village was constructed in a remote location in the living world, and all children would be kept in special Gigai that would accelerate their aging process to that of a typical human. They would still be able to learn the Shinigami arts and converse with their Zanpakuto in their current states, but they wouldn't be able to use their Zanpakuto as a weapon until they left their Gigai.

After much debate on the idea, with some, such as Ichigo and Rukia, protesting the idea, a non-unanimous agreement was reached. It was determined that the children would be removed from their Gigai, and based on their aptitude, incorporated into the ranks of the either the Gotei 13, Kido Corps, or the Onmitsukido at age 16.

Today was Kaito's 16th birthday.

Well, depending on how you look at it, it could also only be his 4th birthday, but that was neither here nor there.

Kaito, like every other child in the village, had been informed of this order from as soon as he could walk and talk, not that it made things any better. He knew his parents were against the idea, and had actually risen up in arms about it before being smacked down by some old man called Yamamoto. Apparently, the main reason they were spared was because his mom was a lieutenant and part of an influential family, and his dad was a captain, but the fact that his dad was born with a naturally high Reiryoku, and therefore had a chance of passing that on to future generations also played a part in it.

"Kaito," Sighed Rukia. "I hope you know we're not doing this by choice."

"I know." Sighed Kaito as he brushed him mustache and goatee in thought. "Let's just get this over with after breakfast."

"So soon?" Asked Ichigo in astonishment. "But it's still early in the morning. Don't you wanna at least want to..." He breathed in deeply, then out. "Say goodbye to your friends?"

"I already did that yesterday." Kaito explained sadly as he placed the eggs he was making on a plate. "They knew this was coming. They just needed to hear as much from me." He finished as he sat down at the table.

His parents both looked at him sadly, regretting that they couldn't do anything about this. "We're really sorry about this." His mother said.

"I know you are." Replied Kaito as he toyed with his food.

"Sakuya's gonna miss you." Said his dad sadly.

"I know." Nodded Kaito as he finally started eating. "She was crying into her pillow last night when I told her about it." He was sad that he'd be leaving behind his little sister, but this was how things were.

His father, sensing his sadness on the subject, placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You'll see her again soon enough." He reassured him.

"I know." He nodded sadly. "She's only three years younger than me, so the pain won't be long, especially by a Shinigami's standards."

There was more to his sorrow than he let on, and his parents knew it. They knew he loved manga above all other hobbies that didn't involve his friends and family, and had dreams of becoming a mangaka himself someday. A dream which would have been quite easy for him under normal circumstances, given his incredible talent for art and storytelling. Unfortunately, while Seireitei had Seireitei Communications as a monthly publication, there were no manga publishers, and his parents highly doubted they'd make one just for the sake of one person.

"I'm done." Said Kaito as he set down his utensils. "Let's get this over with."

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><p><strong>Senkaimon - 9:14 AM<br>**

As the second door of the Senkaimon opened, Kaito had a strange sense of dread. He knew more or less how the passage between the world of the living and Seireitei worked. For those who're guided by some weird butterflies who classification he couldn't be bothered to remember, it looks like a waiting room of sorts. For those who aren't guided, it's a much less pleasant experience, at least according to his dad. Personally, he didn't want to find out, and was glad those weird butterflies were guiding him and his parents through the gate.

Walking through the first door, Kaito swiftly pieced together where the dread was coming from. This was essentially the door to the afterlife. Once he went though, he probably wouldn't be coming back for quite some time. When, he didn't exactly know. Either when he was assigned a mission to the world of the living, or maybe when he started a family of his own, he really wasn't sure. What he did know, was that there was really no use fighting it. This was his fate. He had never really been a religious type, so fate was just a meaningless word to him. But right now, this unavoidable event, this was as close to fate as someone with his set of beliefs could ever get.

After stepping through the second door, Kaito was blinded for a second before the glare passed and his eyes adjusted. When they did, he was left in awe. Even though he could only see some of it, the sheer magnitude and attention to the architecture around him was breathtaking. For an artist at heart like him, these were the kind of buildings he could get used to.

_'At least I won't be miserable here.'_ Thought Sallem._ 'If these buildings and this weird uniform are any indication, arts are pretty important here. I just wish they were more up to date with the modern world. Hello! Have they heard of something called functional beauty? Or maybe colors for building besides white and orange?'_ Kaito wasn't able to continue his current line of thoughts, because something loud and obnoxious sounding cut off his train of thought.

"Well, well! If it isn't Ichigo!" Came the voice of some vicious pirate-looking man who Kaito thought could seriously stand to cut back on the hair gel.

Ichigo sighed while muttering something along the lines of "not now". Kaito was too focused on the pirate man to pay attention to his dad.

"What do you want Kenpachi?" Asked Ichigo in exasperation.

"Isn't it obvious?" Grinned Kenpachi maliciously. "I wanna fight ya again!"

_'Fight him again?'_ Wondered Kaito. _'Aren't they on the same side? And furthermore, I know what that Haori he's wearing means. That was one of the first things they taught me in school after all. Why would one captain want to fight another?'_

"Not now, Kenpachi." Sighed Ichigo. "Can't you see I have to take my son for evaluation?"

"Ichi's son?" Piped up a small pink haired girl from the shoulder of Kenpachi. "Where? I don't see anyone like that." She said as she put her hand to her forehead and looked around like some cartoon lookout.

Wanting to put a stop to this nonsense, Kaito spoke up. "That would be me. Why do you want to fight my dad, exactly? You're both captains, aren't you?"

"Hm?" Quirked Kenpachi at Kaito. "You're Ichigo's brat?" He asked skeptically. Kaito, though offended at his choice in words, nodded in response. "Ya sure? Ya look a bit too old to be his kid." He said, obviously referring to his copious facial hair.

"I'm sure, I just have a hair condition." Explained Kaito irritably as he brushed his facial hair.

"Whatever." Shrugged Kenpachi. "Say, you got any skills with that sword of yours?" He asked as he looked curiously at the Zanpakuto strapped to his waist.

"Not a chance Kenpachi." Said Ichigo protectively as he stepped between Kaito and Kenpachi. "You're not challenging my son to one of your crazy sparring matches."

"Fine. Then you fight me." Said Kenpachi as if his word alone could make it happen.

"Love to. Can't." Ichigo rebuked sarcastically. "Let me repeat, my **son** is here."

"Yeah, so?" Asked Kenpachi bluntly. "How does that affect our fight?"

"Did you seriously forget?" Deadpanned Ichigo. "Yamamoto wants to get a look at all Shinigami raised in the Living World to see how being born and raised there affects their growth, remember?" He felt ashamed for using his son as an excuse, but he **really** didn't want to fight Kenpachi.

"So? You can get that done later. I wanna fight now!" Kenpachi declared as he began to draw his sword.

"I'm afraid that won't be happening, Zaraki-taicho." Came a gruff voice as what looked to Kaito to be several other captains approached. "I had a feeling you would try to get a fight in with Kurosaki-taicho and his son the moment they arrived, so I brought everyone here for the assessment instead." Said an old man who was obviously the Yamamoto person Kaito had always heard about.

"Damn," Cursed Kenpachi as he sheathed his sword. "Fine, I'll wait." Some captains looked at him disapprovingly as he walked over to join them.

"Well then," Began Yamamoto as he looked at Kaito. "I suppose introductions are in order."

"There's really no need for that on most accountants." Denied Kaito. "I already recognize some faces here. Hey Mr. Hitsugaya, Mr. and Mrs. Komamura, Uncle Byakuya, Tattoo Face."

"That's Abarai-taicho!" Outburst Renji. "Sheesh, you're just as rude as that dad of yours." He grumbled.

"I don't know," Said Toshiro smugly. "At least he doesn't call me by my given name."

"While you're here you'll refer to my husband and I as Komamura-taicho of the 7th and 2nd Division respectively." Said Sui-Feng sternly.

"You're my best friend's parents, if I called you mom and dad it wouldn't be even remotely weird." Rebuked Kaito. "In fact, I've actually done so on occasion if you'll recall." Sui-Feng scoffed at the reminder, while Sajin just let it slide.

"It's good to see you again, Kaito." Greeted Byakuya politely.

"And I know who you and Spike Head over there are." He informed Yamamoto. "Not to mention that my mom's already told me a lot of good things about her captain," He nodded at Jushiro. "And my dad's warned my sister about what a lecherous womanizer Shunsui is," The man in question looked comically depressed at his words. "And I've been warned enough times to stay away from some 'Freak in clown face paint' to know all I need to," Mayuri gave his parents a bitter look at their description of him. "The only ones I've never really heard my parents say anything about are Spike Head and the woman in the braid over there, but I think I know all I need to about Spike Head." He said as he pointed from Kenpachi to Retsu.

"Call me Spike Head one more time..." Threatened Kenpachi through gritted teeth.

"My name is Retsu Unohana," Retsu introduced herself with a polite bow. "Though I find it very hard to believe that your parents never once told you about me." As she said this, Kaito's parents, as well as several of the captains present shuddered.

_'Seems like everyone's afraid of her for some reason.'_ Observed Kaito. _'Can't really see why though. She doesn't strike me as scary at all.'_

Yamamoto coughed loudly into his fist to clear the air. "Well, regardless, a full assessment of your skills is in order before you join any division, so we've brought along someone to test your skills in combat. Hisagi-fukutaicho!" He called, prompting a man with too many tattoos in Kaito's opinion to step forward.

_'I really don't like where this is going.' _Thought Kaito nervously.

"Hi there," Greeted the Tattoo man as he held his hand out. "My name's Shuhei Hisagi." He introduced himself as Kaito hesitantly shook his arm.

"Hey, old man," Interjected Ichigo. "Are you sure Kaito's ready to square off against a lieutenant? He's more of a greenhorn than I was when I first fought Renji, and he nearly killed me."

"Your concerns are noted, Kurosaki-taicho." Acknowledged Yamamoto. "However, they are misdirected. Your son has been trained his entire life in the Spiritual Arts, and even though he has no real practice in actual combat, this is merely a sparring match to better assess his skills outside of a Gigai."

Ichigo glared at Yamamoto for a bit at the reminder of what Kaito was raised for, but eventually let it slide. "Fine, but exactly what limitations will there be in this fight?"

"There will be no use of Shunpo, and causing a major injury or one side surrendering will result immediate end of the fight. Otherwise the fight shall proceed until I see fit to end it." Yamamoto declared.

_'What have you gotten yourself into, Kaito?'_ Kaito asked himself rhetorically.

"Take your positions." Announced Yamamoto, prompting Kaito and Shuhei to get into the usual positions for a match.

_'This is not good! This is not good! This is not good!' _Panicked Kaito internally, but he didn't let it show. _'Didn't anyone ever think to ask my opinion on whether or not I wanted to actually do this? I don't wanna fight! I'm scarred of pain! Please let this be a dream! Please let this be a dream! Please let this be a dream!'_ Kaito was so busy panicking, he barely even noticed Yamamoto announce the beginning of the fight. When he saw Shuhei charging at him, he realized he had to act.

Panicking, Kaito deflected Shuhei's attack with the flat of his blade. If he wasn't so panicked, he may have noticed that it was just a simple, easy to predict attack, that left a decent opening. Shuhei was testing him, but he was to scared to notice.

Again, Shuhei tried a simple attack with a decent opening, and again, Kaito deflected it in a panic. This pattern repeated several times, with the onlookers much less than impressed.

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><p>"You sure that's your son, Ichigo?" Asked Kenpachi. "Seems like a real wuss ta me."<p>

"That's always been the main thing about him." Responded Ichigo. "He doesn't really like fighting, or even work in general. He's always been the best at swordsmanship at the dojo, even though he barely shows up, and he's great in school, but unless he's bored or getting something out of the deal, he tends not to work very hard."

"My daughters always have called him a perfect slacker." Said Toshiro smugly. "Guess now I can see why."

"Not really," Denied Rukia. "You don't know him like we do. He's not a slacker because he never works. He's a slacker because he works too well for anyone to think he's actually working at all."

"What the hell's that supposed ta mean?" Asked Kenpachi.

"Just watch." Smirked Ichigo.

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><p><em>'Not good! Not good! Not good!'<em> Panicked Kaito as he continued to deflect the increasingly challenging blows._ 'Why did they ever come up with this system? Why are they forcing me to do this? How can I stop this guy from trying to hit me?' _Even as he panicked, he still barely noticed the movements his opponent was making. _'C'mon! Let me beat this guy in one hit so I can get somewhere more peaceful already! I don't wanna fight! I wanna slack off and write manga! Where can I hit this guy? What's his pattern? How's he gonna attack next? When will he be most vulnerable?'_

As these questions popped up into his head, answers came in just as quickly._ 'A good place to hit him is his dominant hand, and based on the way he holds his blade, that's his right! It's always the right! His pattern is a four step beat with a downward to sideways to sideways to upwards diagonally to downwards diagonally to sideways then back around! He'll attack downwards diagonally next! Slash him up his arm after a sideways swing to the right when there's an opening!'_

Waiting a for a few more swings to go by, he finally sees Shuhei leave a tiny opening on his right arm. But Kaito is too afraid to attack._ 'That means it's a feint! It was definitely a feint! Wait for the next one to come around! Wait for it! Wait for it! Wait for it! Now!'_ He saw an opening, and wasn't scarred, so he went for it.

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><p>Shuhei had been chosen to test Kaito Kurosaki in a duel to see how good he was, and had been honored at first to see what Ichigo's son was capable of. But sadly, he was very disappointed in what he's seen so far. He could quite honestly say that, highly unlike his father, Kaito was a coward among cowards. He could practically taste the fear in the air. In all honesty, Kaito was clearly not meant for the ranks of the Gotei 13. He was the kind of person you'd expect to see in a peaceful job that never sees any form of excitement. He'd have to end this now and tell Yamamoto about this.<p>

Just as he was about to end the fight however, Kaito took him by surprise and slashed him up his right arm, causing him to drop his sword in pain. Before he could retreat and regroup, Kaito had grabbed him by his uniform and held his neck to his Zanpakuto.

"I win." Boasted Kaito. "Now can we end this? I'm getting bored."

Shuhei was flabbergasted. This kid had essentially beaten him in one hit! Granted, he had been holding back, but the fact that he had been caught completely off guard at all by someone who had, until just moments ago, looked like a total coward was humiliating.

Finally finding his voice, Shuhei chuckled. "I'm impressed. You're pretty good at faking cowardice."

"Who ever said I was faking?" Asked Kaito. "I was genuinely terrified throughout the whole thing."

Now Shuhei was even more surprised. "You mean... You were seriously **that** scared during our fight?" It was crazy. Sure, Shuhei had learned from his former captain to always maintain a healthy level of fear for his own sword and those of others. But if what Kaito was saying was true, he took that very same philosophy up to levels where he should barely be able to function at all in combat, let alone win against a lieutenant level Shinigami.

_'What kind of freak is this kid?'_ Shuhei wondered.

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><p>"Wow, impressive." Remarked Shunsui. "Even I never saw that coming until the last second. That son of yours is pretty good at playing the fool."<p>

"Thanks," Remarked Kaito. "But I'll have you know, I wasn't acting."

Shunsui blinked in confusion. "He heard me? From over there?"

"I have very good hearing," Remarked Kaito. "So I heard every hurtful word you guys said."

"Er, sorry about that." Apologized Toshiro awkwardly. This guy was eavesdropping on them while he was fighting? What kinda weirdo is he?

"I'm not." Denied Kenpachi. "Like I said, the guy's a wuss. He ended a perfectly good fight way too fast. There was only one hit for fuck's sake."

"Hm, most impressive." Nodded Yamamoto. "You are indeed very skilled if you can disarm and defeat a lieutenant in one attack."

"Like my mom said before, I'm a slacker." Informed Kaito. "Hell, I'm a slacker among slackers. I didn't take him down in one hit because of some big plan or amazing skills, I just wanted to end this as fast as possible and get to relaxing, so I took him down in a way where I knew it would only take one hit."

Most of the captains and lieutenants present were baffled. What exactly was that supposed to mean?

"That's how he works." Remarked Ichigo. "He doesn't like working at all, so he does it in the quickest, most efficient way possible so he can get back to lazing around. And if there's one thing he's a prodigy at, it's finding the quickest way to do things. In fact, it's really the only thing he's good at."

Kenpachi scoffed. "So what you're saying is, he's basically just a lazy coward? That's some weird kid ya got there Ichigo, and I don't just mean his freaky hair."

"Shut up." Deadpanned Kaito. "You're not one to complain about hair."

"Hige-chan's just a coward!" Booed Yachiru from her perch on Kenpachi's shoulder.

One of Kaito's long drooping eyebrows twitched in irritation at Yachiru's nickname for him. _'Hige-chan? Really? She gives me a nickname after my facial hair just a few minutes after meeting me? What a weird kid.'_

Yamamoto coughed into his hand again. "Disregarding Zaraki-taicho, there is no denying that you are indeed a prodigy. Even though Hisagi-fukutaicho was holding back, your skills are clearly that of at least a third seat officer."

"Only third seat?" Asked Shuhei, rather insulted at the implications of being beaten by someone who was only at the level of third seat.

Sensing Shuhei's unease, Yamamoto continued. "While you are a lieutenant, as I said before, you were quite clearly holding back. Not to mention that we have yet to see young Kaito's Shikai in use, so until we do, we won't know for certain what his exact level of combat abilities are."

"Shikai?" Parroted Kaito nervously.

"Exactly." Nodded Yamamoto. "I know that you have never actually used your Zanpakuto until now, but it's necessary that you release it so that we may properly grade you abilities. Not to mention that I think we are all curious as to its abilities."

"Riiight, about that..." Began Kaito hesitantly as he scratched the back of his head.

"Is there something wrong?" Questioned Yamamoto.

"Well..." Began Kaito. "Screw it. I'll just come out and say it. I don't know my Zanoakuto's name." Everyone except Kenpachi and Yachiru just stared at him oddly. "What?"

Yamamoto cleared his throat. "You don't know the name of your Zanpakuto?" He asked.

"Not at all." Admitted Kaito shamelessly. "I've tried to talk to it more times than I feel motivated to count, but it never worked. Talking to Zanpakuto usually requires meditating. Meditation is basically just doing and thinking nothing. I'm fine with doing nothing. I do nothing all the time. It's the thinking nothing part that gets me. I always get angry when my mind's inactive for anything but sleep."

Yamamoto mulled this new information over for a few about a minute before speaking again. "You say you don't like inactivity in your mind, is this correct?"

"Yeah, I get real stir crazy and just feel like making noise and causing damage." Kaito elaborated.

"You don't say?" Grinned Kenpachi maliciously. Maybe there was something good about this kid after all.

Meanwhile, Yamamoto was deep in thought again._ 'He's already such a skilled Shinigami, and he doesn't even have access to his Shikai yet. Such untapped potential is to be expected given his father, but this is beyond the level I had originally anticipated. I haven't seen such talent for both the blade and the mind since Shunsui and Jushiro. If only he could attain his Shikai, he could one day number among some of the greatest Shinigami Seireitei has ever seen. But how to go about this?'_ After giving it much thought, Yamamoto settled on a decision.

"Unohana-taicho," Summoned Yamamoto.

"Yes, Yamamoto-sotaicho?" Retsu asked as she stepped forward.

"You are to oversee Kaito's Shikai training." He ordered, much to the shock of several present.

"Hey, ya old fart, how come the medic gets ta train the guy?" Complained Kenpachi. "I'll bet I could motivate him." He said as he grabbed his Zanpakuto anxiously.

Yamamoto just looked at him disapprovingly, seeing through his obvious ploy to fight the young Shinigami. "This is my decision, Zaraki-taicho. Kaito has great potential for a Shinigami his age, and the proper training could take him far. Therefore, he shall receive training from the greatest Shinigami in Seireitei aside from myself."

"Why don't you just train me then, Captain Senile?" Kaito questioned, causing almost everyone present to show signs of fear.

"Captain Senile?" Questioned Yamamoto bitterly.

"Yeah, that's what my parents always call you." Explained Kaito, ignoring his parent's frantic signs to shut up.

Casting a sideways glance at Ichigo and Rukia, Yamamoto stored this information away for another time. "Were your problem areas any different, I would take it upon myself to train you. However, given your rather unique difficulties, it would be more prudent to have someone of Unohana-taicho's character oversee your training."

"Whatever." Shrugged Kaito. It didn't really matter to him at all whether person A or person B trained him. He just wanted to get this over with so he could have some fun.

"I look forward to working with you Kaito." Said Retsu.

"Whatever." Shrugged Kaito again. He was really too tired to care.

Kenpachi scoffed. "Probably gonna turn the guy into some pansy ass medic. Waste of a good fighter if ya ask me."

"Weren't you just insulting me for being a coward a few minutes ago?" Asked Kaito, not really caring either way.

"And I stand by that," Retorted Kenpachi. "But I'm sure that it's nothing a few weeks in my division wouldn't fix." When Kaito didn't respond for several seconds, Kenpachi turned to see what was keeping the smart ass response he'd come to expect in the few short minutes he'd known the guy, only to see him snoring with his head tilted back. "What the...?"

"Yeah," Began Ichigo as he scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "There's one more little problem with Kaito that you all should probably know about..."

"He's highly prone to narcolepsy." Sighed Rukia.

Everyone just stared at Kaito for a few seconds of awkward silence before he suddenly woke up. After looking around, Kaito finally broke the silence.

"What's everyone staring at?" He asked. A few people actually fell over.

"That's one freaky kid ya got there, Ichigo." Kenpachi remarked.

"Not nearly as freaky as your hair." Rebuked Kaito.

"My, my," Chuckled Retsu. "It's certainly going to be an interesting experience working with you."

"Does anybody have any fish?" Asked Kaito. "I really like fish."

* * *

><p>There you all are. I hope I did good with this so far. Was it a bit too random up at the end? Well if you think so, it's gonna get a whole lot more random later on, but don't let that keep you from reading.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Hello again. My writing is getting underway again. I really love what I do for fun. It makes me so happy. Now, on with the show.

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><p><strong>4th Division Training Grounds - 2:04 PM<strong>

Kaito was very tired. There was no other way to put it. He had been walking for several hours now to get to some training ground in some division that he really couldn't care less about.

_'Why does the layout of this place have to be so damn big?'_ Questioned Kaito internally._ 'From what I learned in school, each division has about 200 people living in it, with a space for living and a space for working. There are 13 divisions, so that totals to living and workspace for about 2600 people. I know that's a lot, but does it really have to take up so much space that it takes hours to get from one division to another? These people really need to learn about a little something called efficient construction.'_

"Once you learn Shunpo it won't take so long to get from place to place." Retsu reassured him.

Kaito was suddenly on full alert. "Were you reading my mind?" He asked fearfully. "Or was I just thinking out loud?" Either way, there were some things in his head that he'd rather would stay there. Most of which were either vile complaints about the poorly thought out layout of this place, or about the physical attractiveness of the woman who was to be his mentor. The latter of which he would very much like to keep under his hat.

She was probably way too old for him anyway, but that didn't keep him from imagining things. She was a high ranking military officer that lead over 200 medics and had the most motherly appearance and attitude he's ever seen. Not to mention that, in spite of the fact that she wore such concealing clothing, he could tell that she was undeniably sexy beneath all that fabric. That was at least five different flavors of fan service right there, and he was a teenager who could easily imagine at least 5 incredible things before breakfast. Do the math.

Retsu chuckled at his panic. "Neither, but based on the way you were panting, I was able to venture a guess."

"Oh, that." Grumbled Kaito before he comically fell asleep on his feet again.

Chuckling again at his odd habits, Retsu decided to let him have some peace for now. After all, he did just walk for several hours, and he didn't seem to have very good endurance yet. Some sleep would do him some good. Seeing a familiar face walking into the training grounds, she decided to ask for some assistance.

"Isane, would you mind coming here for a moment?" She asked.

"Of course captain." Complied her lieutenant quickly. "What is it you need?" Mere moments after she asked this, she finally took notice of the abnormally hairy man standing while softly snoring. To say the sight was odd to her was a gross understatement.

Retsu smiled in amusement at her lieutenant's confusion. "I take it you see the problem here. This is Kaito Kurosaki, and I've been assigned to train him for the time being."

"K-Kurosaki?" Stammered Isane. "You mean this is Kurosaki-taicho's son?" Her captain nodded, while Isane eyed him skeptically. "He looks kind of old to be his son, don't you think?"

Kaito suddenly made a loud snort, as if in protest to being called old looking. The sound was sudden and disturbing enough to make Isane jump.

"Apparently he has a hair condition." Explained Retsu.

"Alright." Isane nodded, still a little disturbed by the man before her. "And... Why exactly is he sleeping on his feet in our training grounds?"

"Apparently he suffers from a very odd narcolepsy condition." Explained Retsu. "And as I said before, I've been assigned to oversee his training. It would seem that he's unable to converse with his Zanpakuto."

"He can't talk with his Zanpakuto?" Questioned Isane in shock. To say she was surprised was an understatement. "Don't you think that's weird Unohana-taicho? If he's really the son of Kurosaki-taicho, then his heritage alone should make it easier for him to converse with his Zanpakuto."

Giving a sudden snort, Kaito suddenly burst to attention. "Don't say that!" He demanded loudly.

Isane jumped at the sudden outburst. "D-Don't say what?"

"Don't compare me to my parents." Demanded Kaito irritably. "I believe mankind, or in this case, spiritkind, has long since grow out of such ridiculous concepts as judging people based upon their heritage, rather than their own actual achievements in their life, or afterlife, as the case may be."

"H-How did you hear us talking?" Asked Isane nervously.

"I was asleep, not deaf." Explained Kaito as if his words were perfectly sane. "So when are we gonna get started here? I don't want this to take too long. By the way, what did you need the giant for?" He asked as he jerked his thumb towards Isane, who became flustered at having her height being pointed out rather bluntly.

If Retsu was surprised at his ability to hear people in his sleep, she didn't show it. "I asked Isane for help to get you to a room for some proper rest, but since you're already up, that can wait."

"How did you hear us while you were asleep?"Asked Isane incredulously.

"I like sleeping, and I hate school." Began Kaito. "I tried to sleep through all my classes before, but my teachers always called me out on it, so I learned how to listen to people even when I'm asleep. That way I can sleep all I want to in class, and my teachers couldn't call me out on it." He answered bluntly. "So can we get to training now? I get bored easily."

Isane was still a little freaked out. People could say they want to be able to sleep through all their classes and still learn all the material and not get into any trouble all they want, but she would normally brushed such a thing off as impossible. Kaito however, had actually gone and found a way to do it. What kind of freak were they dealing with?

Even Retsu, contrary to her usual attitude, was actually a little surprised by this._ 'If he has this much focus even while he's asleep, how could he not have already conversed with his Zanpakuto? I'd understand if this was all instinctual to him, but from the way he put it, listening in his sleep is something he trained himself to learn over time. If he can process sounds when he's asleep, he should be able to hear his Zanpakuto without even trying.'_ It was then that Retsu was struck with epiphany.

"I think it might be best if you stop playing the fool, Kaito." Deduced Retsu calmly. "Your narcolepsy trick was funny at first, but I think it's time you came clean." Isane was shocked and felt like a fool for actually believing that Kaito was actually listening to them while he was asleep. Kaito on the other hand, looked annoyed.

"Like I told Captain Flirt back when I first got here, I have very good hearing. And like my dad said before when I first feel asleep here, narcolepsy is a real problem I suffer from." As he listed these two things, he lifted one hand up near his face for each. "Narcolepsy. Good hearing. Narcolepsy. Good hearing. Do the math."

Retsu sighed. Seeing he wasn't going to drop his ruse anytime soon, she decided to let it go for now. "Well, regardless, I suppose it would be best if we got started with your training."

"Fine," Relented Kaito as he got into the meditative pose he was always taught in school. "But this discussion isn't over. Not by a long shot."

"Of course not," Humored Retsu as she got into the same position. "Now, to converse with your Zanpakuto-"

"I know how to do all that," Interrupted Kaito. "They taught me all that at school, but I can never get it right for some reason. Meditation never works for me. All it does is make me stir crazy-"

"And makes you want to break stuff." Finished Retsu, remembering what he said earlier about his problems. "If you already know the basic ideas, perhaps I could give you some tips that may help you focus better."

"Anything's worth a shot at this point." Shrugged Kaito. "But I gotta warn ya, they've already given me a lot of weird tips back at school, and none of them ever worked."

"Well in that case, perhaps you should tell me some of the advice they gave you." Suggested Retsu. "I can't exactly work with you on this if you won't talk to me about it. Preferably in a more civil manner."

"I don't really do civil." Responded Kaito. "Making nice and being polite and all that jazz only comes to me in short bursts, and even then it's completely random. People say it's like I'm making a joke about it or something."

"Kaito," She began anew with a pleasant look on her face as she tilted her head slightly, shading most of her face. "I'd prefer it if you acted in a more civil manner." Seeing her like this, Isane shivered.

Kaito on the other hand, just blinked in minor annoyance. "Right... And I told you that I can't really manage civil all that well. It really not something I'm built for." _'What's with that weird expression and tone anyway? Is she trying to be scary or something? Someone should really tell her that it's not working.'_

Retsu and Isane both looked astonished. No one had ever denied Retsu when she got scary before, and yet he was doing it without even the slightest hint of fear! It wasn't really all that major though, so Retsu just let it go for now, and decided to focus on his manners a later time.

"But to answer your question about what advice they tried to give me, let's see if I can remember a few examples..." He hummed as he brushed his facial hair thoughtfully.

"Well, there was this one bald guy who said that to talk with your Zanpakuto, you have to get it angry enough at you to motivate it to get off its lazy ass, but I'm pretty sure that guy was just speaking from his own unique experience with his own Zanpakuto, so I don't know how much help that would be to me." He began.

_'Ah, that must have been Ikkaku from the 11th Division.'_ Realized Retsu at the mere mention of the word bald.

"Then there was the time Tattoo Face came around talked about it like he was writing an article for a magazine." Kaito said scathingly.

_'Abarai-taicho did write a few articles on the subject of Zanpakutos in Seireitei Communications back when he was still a lieutenant.'_ Thought Retsu. _'And they weren't all that good if I remember correctly.'_

"And then there was the time some really fruity guy came by and said that if your Zanpakuto ever gives you trouble, you can just keep insulting it until it until it can't take anymore and starts talking to you just to talk back." He remarked as if he were disgusted at the mere memory of it.

_'That must have been Yumichika.'_ Realized Retsu. _'It's weird that so many members of the 11th Division would be allowed to educate the next generation. No offense to them, but I really think that there are much better candidates for the job.'_

The conversation continued on for the next few minutes, with Kaito having mostly scathing comments about the various people he's heard from and the methods he's heard about. Retsu meanwhile, sat at attention, listening to all the rather humorous ideas, and making a game about guessing who gave what advice. One of her favorite examples being the rather submissive advice from her own 7th Seat, Hanataro._  
><em>

"I see." Retsu remarked. "And out of all of these methods, did any of them ever work?"

"None of them." Grunted Kaito. "You'd think that they'd get teachers more suited to this kind of stuff than the nut jobs we all had to deal with. Here I thought the Gotei 13 were supposed to be some great and well organized military, but in reality, most of the higher up are just a bunch whack jobs who don't have the brains to match their positions. No offense."

Retsu chuckled at his colorful description of the educational system the had been set up for young Shinigami._ 'I have to admit, if what he says was true, I'll really have to have a word with Yamamoto about replacing some of the people teaching the next generation. There were so many members of the 11th Division on the faculty, it will be a wonder if there's anyone coming out of that school who can use Kido or even add and subtract.'_ Her chuckles increased at the thought.

"I'm sorry, am I amusing to you somehow?" Asked Kaito rhetorically.

"Fu fu fu. Just a little." She excused herself politely.

"Just a little!" Panicked Kaito comically. "I must be losing my touch! I was known as the class clown during my school days! I must be losing my touch! Where oh where did all of my beautiful comedic gold go to?" He wondered as he frantically checked his sleeves and shook his legs.

Retsu's chuckling increased again. "Okay, okay. You're very funny. You can stop now."

Kaito sighed in relief. "That's good. You may not be able to tell just by looking at me, but I just love a good laugh." He whispered as he twisted his mustache and raised and lowered his eyebrows like Groucho Marx would with his cigar and greasepaint eyebrows.

By this point, Isane was doubled over with laughter, and Retsu was chuckling at a volume that was finally acceptable to Kaito's inner joker.

"Okay. You're very funny, Kaito. You can stop now." Said Retsu eerily as she stopped laughing, causing Isane and the small crowd of some other 4th Division members that had gathered to listen to suddenly stop as well.

Now Kaito was seriously confused. _'Why did everyone stop laughing when Retsu talked like that? Oh well, I can worry about that later.'_ "Alright, so I told you all the lame advice I've ever gotten for talking to my Zanpakuto. Now what?"

Now what, indeed. Kaito had described several ways to go about conversing with your Zanpakuto. Some very bad advice, but also some she herself might give. _'How should we go about this?'_ After a few seconds of thought on all the previous suggestions he'd recieved, and analyzing his own personality, she thought of something that should probably work for someone like someone like him. Before she could give him the advice however, she noticed that he had fallen asleep again. "Kaito, you can stop faking now. I know you're not really sleeping." No answer. "Kaito, you can stop now." She said dangerously, scaring all members of her division still present. Still no response. _'Perhaps he really did fall asleep this time.'_ She wondered. It was the only realistic explanation she could come up with for his silence. It would also serve to prove that he was faking it earlier as well.

_'How to go about waking him?'_ She wondered. She tried gently nudging him a few times. It didn't work. Feeling a bit more mischievous than she usually was due to all of Kaito's recent jokes, she blew lightly into his ear. It didn't work, but he did chuckle a little as a light blush adorned his face. Feeling slightly offended, she pinched his nose. It worked... A little too well.

* * *

><p>To say Kaito was bored... Would actually be false for once. For the past few weeks, he'd been depressed and upset about having to go to Seireitei and join an army and blah, blah, blah. He didn't really care about any of that, and just wanted to have fun. When he got to Seireitei, he was more or less attacked immediately, and then forced to walk for hours to get to some training grounds. He didn't really understand why he couldn't just train where he arrived, but chalked it up to military systems being retarded.<p>

During the long walk over to the 4th Division for training, he'd decided to make the best of this whole thing by striking up a conversation with Retsu. They talked and laughed for about an hour before it became too exhausting for him to walk and talk at the same time. He'd never really been one to exercise much, and it was really biting him in the butt. So the rest of the walk was largely in silence.

When they finally got there, he'd fallen asleep on his feet, and no one believed him when he said that he could hear when he was asleep. He was somewhat offended, but took it in stride and struck up conversation and witty remarks again. He couldn't help it. He was a social joker by nature, and he loved to make people laugh from time to time.

Then he fell asleep again. He knew that Retsu doubted he could hear while he was sleeping, so it was very amusing for him to hear her remarks for him to stop faking. Then she started trying to waking him up. Funny thing about waking Kaito up. Since he can already hear people even while he's asleep, noises don't usually wake him up, unless they're really loud or really offend him in some way. She seemed to get this much, or at least felt like trying a different approach, because he felt her blowing in his ear. This did not do much to help his dreaming state, as the knowledge that Retsu was blowing in his ear served to feed his male imagination in ways he knew she would not appreciate. Then she tried holding his nose, and boy did it ever work.

The thing about waking Kaito up, is that you can make plenty of noise and he won't stir. He responds much better to physical stimuli. Gentle things will gently rouse him, and forceful things will forcefully rouse him. Rousing him by blocking off his airways was a forceful way of waking him, and an equally forceful reaction came from his waking this way.

He jerked forward on reflex, and headbutted Retsu squarely on her forehead.

"Owwww!" Hissed Retsu and Kaito in unison as they held their foreheads in pain and most of the other people present beat a hasty retreat.

"What was that for?" Exploded Kaito. "I know you thought I was faking it, but you didn't have to suffocate me!"

"Kaito." Said Retsu in a deadly even tone.

"What?" Snapped Kaito.

"I am giving you one warning," She said as she looked at him with a subtly angry expression befitting her gentle looking face. "If you attack me again, you will find yourself spending an extended period of time in the 4th Division."

"Sheesh, touchy." Scoffed Kaito. "And for the record, I didn't even attack you." He denied. "You plugged my nose and I lurched forward on a reflex. It's not my fault you suddenly developed a sense of humor only to lose it a few seconds later."

By this point, the few remaining 4th Division members who hadn't fled the scene were thinking various things about Kaito. "Does he have a death wish?", "How the hell is he not scared?", and "Dead man walking." being among the top of the list.

Glaring at him for a few seconds, Retsu took a deep breath in and slowly let it out. While she knew that she could easily teach him some manners the hard way, she didn't want to have to resort to violence. She wasn't like those barbaric members of the 11th Division. _'Calming breaths, Retsu. Calming breaths.'_ She recited in her head.

"Well, I suppose it would be best if we began our meditation again." Decided Retsu. "As for your problem area, if you focus on something you really like and could spend hours focusing on, it could help you communicate with your Zanpakuto." She suggested as she closed her eyes to get her own focus off of Kaito.

At hearing her words, Kaito's expression actually took a turn for the nervous, though she couldn't see it. "Um, Retsu, I really don't think that's such a good-"

"Just do it." Demanded Retsu, shutting out all outside distractions. "And don't interrupt my concentration again, or I'll make good on my word for you to have an extended stay in the 4th Division."

Kaito was still very uncertain about the idea, but seeing that Retsu was locked into her own little world, he reluctantly went with her advice.

* * *

><p>It was difficult for Retsu to get back to a calm state of mind, especially after how infuriating Kaito had made himself, but she managed. Just as she was about to calm down enough to go into her inner world, the sound of snoring snapped her out of her trance. She didn't have to look far for the source of the interruption.<p>

"Kaito." She sighed as she pinched the bridge of her nose. At first he had seem like a decent individual. Their conversation on the way to the 4th Division had been pleasant. He was one of the funniest individuals she'd ever met, and given her age, that was saying something. But he had quickly gone from funny to annoying.

_'He knows I can tell that he's faking, so why do he continue this farce?'_ She asked herself. Just as she was about to try and get back to her meditation and ignore him for the time being, he started giggling. "What in the world?"

"He he he he he." Chuckled Kaito as he slowly swayed back and forth. "That tickles my he he he zzz no stop ya hot blooded bastard zzz he he he he he he zzz" He chuckled with a grin plastered across his face.

Retsu sighed again. Of course he had to be a pervert. Why is it that most men his age had to be like this? Trying to drown out his annoying sounds, she failed again as she heard what he said next.

"Retsu, he he he he he he, so fine zzz"

Retsu snapped to attention. Was he seriously fantasizing about her? The very notion was offensive to say the least, and absolutely unacceptable on multiple levels to say the most. _'I'll have to talk to his father about hammering some discipline into his head later.'_ She thought scathingly.

"He he he he zzzz stop it, stop it zzzz where's the straitjacket?" He continued to chuckle.

_'That's it!'_ Retsu snapped internally. Her patience had gone far enough. "Kaito, this isn't funny anymore. Leave immediately." He didn't respond. Sighing again, she got up and walked over to him. "Kaito, stop fooling around." Still no response. The few members of her division that were still hanging around were busy preparing a eulogy for the kid, even though they didn't really know him outside of the fact that he was Kurosaki-taicho's son, and the only person stupid enough to stand up to their captain. "Kaito." She demanded more forcefully as she shook him.

It work... A little too well again.

* * *

><p>Kaito was having a good time. No, scratch that. He was having a decent time. What kept it from being a truly good time was that Retsu had gotten all upset about him hitting her when she woke him up, when he had clearly told her time and again that he really had been asleep those time, and that he really could hear while he was sleeping. It wasn't his fault that she didn't believe him, and he couldn't think of any way to be more clear about it, so he had to let the issue rest for now.<p>

That wasn't the worst part though. No, the worst part was her advice and the fact that she insisted he use it, without hearing his side of the story. He had a few odd quirks, his narcolepsy, ability to hear in his sleep, and sudden changes of attitude being three of them. But there was one more quirk that was very important for her to know right now, but she was too adamant about not listening to.

He talked in his sleep.

Not always of course, only when he was heavily focused on something before he went to sleep. Normally he deals with that problem by thinking of tons of different things before bed, but Retsu had been so adamant about focusing on one thing, he thought it best not to offend her further, lest their friendship be any more damaged.

Unfortunately, when he tried to focus on anything, it always went back to Retsu. He figured it was because she'd made coming to Seireitei a more pleasant experience for him. Their conversations were pleasant, at least until they got to her division, and she was pretty much the only person he'd interacted with since he got here that didn't want to fight him or only thought of him as a military asset, so that was something.

Then he feel asleep again while thinking about her. This lead to him dreaming about her. The dreams were nice enough. Enjoying art, tea, snacks, and jokes, and boy did he love the jokes. In his dreams, and in reality for that matter, Retsu was a pretty funny woman, but in his dreams, it was magnified. She was telling some of the funniest jokes he'd ever heard. Some of which he was pretty sure were just made up in the dream.

All the stops were pulled out. **Hot blooded** jokes. _Fine and sophisticated_ jokes. He even remembered this one joke he usually pulled out whenever he started laughing real hard and he asked for someone to tie him up in a straitjacket because he was going crazy. That one always killed. It was a riot of a dream. But as with all dreams, it had to come to an end.

The real Retsu started to wake him up, and she sounded pretty annoyed with him. Why, he didn't know. He may be able to hear what other people are saying while he was asleep, but he couldn't hear what he was saying while he was asleep. How could he? The words he says in his dreams were translated into words that came out of his mouth physical mouth in real time. At least when they came out at all. So it all sounded the same to him. He wanted to talk to her, but he couldn't wake himself up. He'd just have to wait until she did it and hope he didn't accidentally hit her again.

His hopes were shattered when he felt the crown of his head impact on something. Hard.

* * *

><p>The members of the 4th Division were busy preparing Kaito's eulogy when they heard their captain let out a sharp hiss of pain. Needless to say, they quickly turned their attention to what they knew would soon be a blood bath.<p>

Retsu was holding her chin in pain, and Kaito was holding his head in pain. It didn't take a genius to figure out what happened.

"Kaito." Began Retsu darkly.

"Ow! Sorry, sorry. Ow!" Whined Kaito as he rubbed his head.

"I believe I warned you that I wouldn't tolerate any more of your antics."

"Sorry," Grunted Kaito. "But I keep telling you I have a few problems. It's not my fault that you don't believe me."

Retsu had nothing further to say to Kaito. Aside from several choice words that wouldn't be the least bit pleasant. She decided to start out with...

"Hado Number 88 - Hiryugenkizokushintenraiho."

It was on this day that Kaito learned exactly why everyone fears Retsu Unohana so much.

* * *

><p>Kaito didn't know where he was. All he remembered right now was Retsu saying some really long word, excruciating pain, and showing up... Wherever it was he was right now.<p>

He still felt the pain, sure, but it seemed to have gotten to the point where the pain was so bad, that it didn't really matter anymore. If that made any sense at all.

As for where he was, well, his eyes were still closed,so he couldn't really tell. He just felt as though opening his eyes would be a really bad move right now, but he really didn't feel like being left in the dark, so he opened them...

And immediately regretted it.

Wherever he was, was in absolute chaos right now. Earthquakes, volcano eruptions, tornadoes, lightning, flooding, even weird stuff like some purple gas spreading all around and light and darkness doing some kind of weird dance with each other. In the middle of it all was, and here Kaito had to rub his eyes to make sure he wasn't seeing things, a giant snake.

"Heeeelp!" Shouted the giant snake, which kinda freaked Kaito out. Snakes didn't usually talk. "I'm sorryyyyyy! I'll do whatever you want! Just stop the torture! I beg of you! The paaaaiiin! Somebody help meeeeee! Master! I'm sorry I never spoke with you before! I'll tell you everything you want to know! Just please save meeeee!"

It was then that Kaito realized with a sickening feeling in his stomach, that this was his inner world, and that giant snake was his Zanpakuto.

_'How did this happen?'_ Panicked Kaito. _'What could have caused all this chaos and destruction? What's responsible for all this? Who's the bastard who did this? Who can I kill to get revenge? What's the capital of Japan? How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Why did I ask those last two questions?'_ As per usual, the answers to his questions came flooding in as soon as he asked them. _'Retsu. Retsu. Retsu. Retsu! Retsu! Tokyo! A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood! I'm going crazy!'_

As his consciousness faded out on him, his vision got blurry to the point where he started seeing triple. Which was really weird since he only had two eyes, but with how much pain he was in, it wouldn't surprise him if he really did have three eyes and just forgot.

* * *

><p>There you go. I understand that things ended on a rather unpleasant note, but this is necessary for the story to progress. You'll see in the chapters to come why I did things the way I did. There's also this one pretty obscure hint for future chapters that I put in, that will make more and more sense in the next three chapters.<em><br>_


	3. Chapter 3

I'm on a super roll here! Would you believe that I finished the first two chapter of this story in just a little over two days, and now I'm working on the third chapter? Damn I'm getting good at this! Well, I've kept you all in suspense long enough, time to get on with the story.

By the way, I'll be using the font feature in a very interesting way from here on out, so you're gonna want to pay attention to the quotation marks. ' ' _In this font_ means that someone is thinking it. " " In any font means someone is saying it.

"One more thing!" From here on out, I'm gonna be making a lot of original back story for Retsu. My reason for this is that I really like characters to have some kind of in-depth history behind them. If you don't like it, then you clearly don't like One Piece, because that is loaded with the stuff, and the reason I like it so much.

* * *

><p>Darkness, that was all Kaito could see. Silence, that was all he could hear. <em>'This is rather peculiar if I do say so myself.'<em> He thought. _'What on earth happened here to cause this? Silence is not something I'm accustomed to at all. Even asleep I can usually hear something or other that informs me of the goings on of the waking world.'_

"Are you completely retarded?" Came a loud outburst, cutting through the silence.

_'I do believe that's father's voice.'_ Realized Kaito. _'But as to what he sounds so outraged about, I haven't the foggiest.'_

"Please lower your voice, Kurosaki-taicho." Came another, more feminine voice. "I do not allow anything that may disturb the patients."

_'Who might that be?'_ Wondered Kaito. _'The voice and mannerisms sound familiar, but I can't quite place a name to them. Though for some reason I feel as though I should despise its owner.'_

"I told you he suffers from narcolepsy! He told you that he can hear people in his sleep! Why the hell didn't you believe him?" Raged his dad.

"That is enough, Kurosaki-taicho." Came an old and gruff voice.

"But old man!-"

"There is a time and place for everything, and we must accept what has happened here today." Cut in the old voice again. "As it is, we already had to remove your wife from the area to prevent her from trying to assault Unohana-taicho in retaliation. I will not deny that Unohana-taicho overreacted, just as I will not deny that young Kaito intentionally aggravated her."

_'Retsu!'_ Realized Kaito scathingly. _'She's the one responsible for my current, dreadful state of affairs! She's the one who was so stubborn and close minded as to not believe, and on one occasion even listen to the reasons for my actions. She's the reason my inner world is in chaos, and my Zanpakuto is suffering so! First chance I get I'm going to give her the most sound thrashing I can muster! And why in heaven's name am I talking, or rather thinking like some jolly old Englishman?'_

"We will discuss the matter of your discipline for your actions at a later time Unohana-taicho." Said the old voice, who Kaito had just deduced as Yamamoto. "For now, Kaito is in need of serious medical attention."

_'Serious medical attention!'_ Panicked Kaito. _'Exactly how dire of a state of affairs am I in presently? I can't even feel anything at present. I've heard word of mouth that too much pain can cause your mind to shut off your sense of pain altogether. Could I really be in such a sorry condition that I've actually reached such a point? I shudder to think about my current condition.'_

"Fine!" Spat Ichigo. "Kaito," He began in a much more mild tone. "I know that you can hear me, even now... Unohana doesn't believe that you can, but I know you better than she does... So when you wake up... Tell her to go eat shit."

_'Will do father.'_ Smirked Kaito internally._ 'That should straighten this tragic misunderstanding out. Not to mention cause her some measure of guilt over her actions. I'm no fool. I know I'm obviously too broken up to harm her directly, and even if I were in better condition I'd still stand no realistic chance. She's the second strongest captain in the Gotei 13 after all. The captain-commander himself said as much. No, I'll instead use a series of mind games to trounce her.'_

"Kurosaki-taicho," Began Retsu sternly. "Need I remind you-"

"Shut up!" Snapped Ichigo. "I'm leaving anyway, but let me leave you with a warning. Kaito's smart. Smart enough to make you regret what you've done to him in every way imaginable. You can try to ignore him, but it won't work. If there's one thing he's good at, it's finding the easiest way to do something. And I can guarantee that he'll find the easiest way to screw with your head." The heavy footsteps and the sound of a door opening and closing roughly informed Kaito that his dad had stormed off.

A heavy cough cut through the silence. "Well, regardless of circumstances, the fact stands that you're responsible for Kaito's current condition. I trust that you'll oversee his recovery?" Yamamoto demanded.

"Of course, Yamamoto-sotaicho." Replied Retsu in that sickeningly sweet tone of hers. "I can assure you that young Kaito will receive the best care I can offer."

_'Oh, put a cork in it.'_ Thought Kaito snidely. _'You're only saying that you'll do it in order to absolve yourself of whatever measure of guilt you're feeling. Oh ye of little faith. My father said that you'd rue the day you crossed paths with me, and I intend to make good on his word. You think you'll have me at a disadvantage just because I'm the one in the hospital bed and you're the one taking care of me? Well think again! You'll be putty in my hands before you know it. And why can I not cease thinking in the manner of an upper class twit?'_

"See that you do so." Remarked Yamamoto gruffly. "His recovery is in your hands, and I will not tolerate any worsening of his condition by your hands. Do I make myself clear?"

"Perfectly." Accepted Retsu, unaware of all the internal chaos that would come upon her as a direct result of her decision.

_'You've fallen right into the spider's parlor, yon fly.'_ Thought Kaito deviously. _'What exactly does yon mean, and why would I even use such a word in the first place? Oh well, it matters not. You shall pay dearly for your transgressions against me.'_

"Very well." Said Yamamoto. "I must do my best to placate Central 46 for the damage you've caused Kaito. They are quite upset that their plan for hastening the growth of the next generation of Shinigami has hit such a bad note just as the first member of the next generation arrived." Footsteps and the sound of a door opening and closing let Kaito know that the old man had left.

_'Excellent.' _Thought Kaito happily._ 'Now that everyone else is gone, the game is afoot! There's just one thing standing between me and my well deserved revenge...'_

_'How shall I go about waking up?'_

* * *

><p>Retsu was going about her work in a peaceful manner not the least bit befitting her recent actions of landing one poor soul in the hospital. Checking off various things as she examined Kaito's sleeping form.<p>

"Bones? Broken in three places each in his left arm and right leg. Right arm broken in one place, left leg in two. Four fractured ribs, and both his feet are broken as well." She wrote down these observations on he clipboard. "Cuts? Incised wounds covering most of his body." She wrote that down as well. "Other? Minor cranial trauma. Vitals?" She asked herself as she looked at the heart monitor hooked up to Kaito's arm. "Resting peacefully."

Just as she said this, his heart monitor sped up, indicating that he had awoken.

_"Ret...su."_ Grunted Kaito as he tried to move any part of his body that he could, only to find that he was in too much pain to budge and inch. _'Guess the pain is starting to kick in.'_ He thought bitterly.

"It's good to see you up again Kaito." Said Retsu pleasantly, as if she was not the one responsible for his current condition.

_"Spare me... the pleasantries... and go... eat shit."_ Grunted out Kaito.

Retsu turned to him in shock and disbelief. "What was that?" She asked, unable to keep the slightest trace of nervousness from her voice.

_"I said... go eat shit."_ Winced Kaito._ "Bet you didn't see that coming, did you mine fraulein?"_ He said wittily. _'First an upper class speech pattern, now German? I don't think that cranial trauma she spoke of was so minor after all.'_ He thought worriedly.

Retsu just stared at him for a few moments, completely befuddled, before deciding to put on a happy face again. "I understand that you're upset about being in the hospital, but there's no need for such language." She said in a vain attempt to weasel her way out of the hole she'd dug for herself.

_"Do not think you will get off so easy for this."_ Warned Kaito._"Left arm and right leg broken in three places each? Right arm broken in one place, left leg in two? Four fractured ribs and both feet broken? Minor cranial trauma? My father telling me to tell you to go eat shit? Yamamoto going off to dissuade Central 46 from being too hard on you for landing me in this sorry state of affairs? Is any of this ringing any bells?"_ As he listed all these items off, he noticed Retsu's expression growing more and more worried and panicked.

"You... heard all of that?" Asked Retsu nervously. "But, your vitals said that you were..."

_"Asleep?"_ Finished Kaito snidely._ "I believe we already covered that I could still hear properly while asleep, did I not? But oh, that's right! You didn't believe me at all, did you? Or perhaps I simply imagined the whole thing." _He remarked rudely as he saw Retsu's eyes begin to widen in comprehension of exactly what she'd done._ "Tell me, did I imagine it? Perhaps am I still imagining things. Perhaps I'm imagining all these injuries right now? Do you believe that all of that is possible? Because this seems like the kind of thing you wouldn't believe in. Like hearing things in your sleep? Or perhaps random bouts of narcolepsy? Does that all seem unbelievable?" _He paused to give her a chance to talk, if only to see her flounder.

"I... I'm very sorry," Said Retsu nervously. "I had no idea..."

_"You had no idea?"_ Kaito said sarcastically._ "You had no idea that I told you, quite clearly, and on multiple occasions, that I fall asleep randomly? Did you have no idea that my parents informed you of as much as well? Or that I told you that I can hear perfectly fine while sleeping? Did you have no idea of any of that?"_ At this point, he had Retsu backed up against the wall. Both literally, and figuratively, since she had backed up so much in her nervousness, that she actually bumped into the wall.

"I... I'm very sorry about putting you into this state." She said as she suddenly got short of breath. "It's just that... the evidence that you were faking-"

_"The evidence that I was faking it?"_ Remarked Kaito bitterly. _"As I recall, there was enough evidence supporting what I said to more than counter that out as a possibility. Did it ever occur to you that my parents had also told you that I fall asleep at random? Did it ever occur to you that they wouldn't have any reason to say such a thing unless it were true? Did it ever occur to you that I wasn't lying about being able to hear in my sleep? Did it ever occur to you to ask me about my side of the story, and actually listen to it?" _Getting nothing but silence in response to his verbal assault this time, he closed his eyes in some degree of satisfaction._  
><em>

* * *

><p>Retsu was completely stunned. She'd never felt this scarred or unsure in her entire career, and given how long she's been a Shinigami, that was really saying something. And it wasn't at the hands of some all powerful villain like Aizen. No, she had never been scared of him. Instead, as unbelievable as it sounded, it was at the mere words of some young Shinigami, with skills that couldn't even begin to compare with hers.<p>

_'His father was right,'_ Realized Retsu. _'He is making me regret my actions. In all my life as a Shinigami, I've always done my best, and only rarely made mistakes, and even when I did, they were small ones that anyone could have made. But this... this is a mistake beyond all my other faults in the past! I've rarely had to resort to physical violence, especially since my mother finally taught me how to intimidate people with just a few words once I made captain, and the few times I've ever resorted to violence, it was always justified. But not this time.'_ She realized with a heavy heart.

"But... talking... in your sleep." She squeezed out, as it became more and more apparent that she was grasping at straws.

_"I was talking in my sleep, was I?"_ Smirked Kaito. _"Well I tried to warn you that I tend to do that whenever I focus on something too much right before I go to sleep, but you weren't really in a listening mood, were you? Tell me, exactly what did I say during my sleep? What was it that could be so bad that you had to go and nearly kill me over it?"_

This time, Retsu didn't respond, and instead, just hung her head in guilt over her blunder. She didn't have the heart, nor the courage to speak anymore, lest she back herself even further into a corner.

_"Your stunned silence is very helpful to you case."_ Kaito drawled sarcastically._ "But since you won't come out and say what you heard, and obviously took out of context, I'll just have to go over the entirety of my dream."_

* * *

><p>By the time Kaito had finished explaining the entirety of his dream, Retsu had burst into laughter the likes of which she hadn't done so in centuries. This only served to add to her guilt, as laughing while someone you hurt, wounded, and overall wronged greatly explained their own, much more reasonable side of the very series of events that caused them their suffering in the first place, wasn't good for her conscience.<p>

But it was just so hard for her to keep a straight face when the jokes were just so funny. How he was keeping such a straight face was beyond her. The only times she stopped her laughter was during the parts that he had said in his sleep, which she had misconstrued. Even the joke about the straitjacket, and that one was hilarious. But none of this even came close to how painful it was for her to hear what happened next.

Kurosaki-taicho had warned her that trying to run away from Kaito and ignoring his words wouldn't work.

He was right.

Somehow. Someway. He had managed to back her even further into the corner she was trying to stay out of by maintaining her silence. She had never been one to retreat from her problems before. She usually faced any difficulties that came her way the smart way, without causing any needless problems for herself and others. This time though, her guilt had welded her mouth shut. She thought that keeping quite about what she'd heard him say in his sleep wouldn't be so bad.

She was wrong. Dead wrong.

Kaito explained to her what had happened at the end. What he'd seen. What happened to his inner world. His Zanpakuto. Nobody deserved that, especially somebody who had never done anything to deserve such a cruel fate. But that wasn't even the worst of it.

The reason that he'd even focused on her in the first place. The reason he had dreamed about her, was because he thought of her as a friend and trusted her. Some friend she was, attacking him so viciously and landing him in the hospital. Even though his stay here likely wouldn't been too long, given how advanced medical science in Seireitei was, as well as how fast a Shinigami's natural healing abilities were. The fact still stood that she had horribly betrayed his trust without even the slightest justified reason.

Could that shattered trust ever be mended?

It was ironic, really. They had accomplished exactly what they had set out to do in the first place, and yet it happened in such a way, under such circumstances, that it was all completely meaningless, and in no way worth the cost.

* * *

><p><em>"I take it that now you see where you went so horribly, horribly wrong in this endeavor."<em> Remarked Kaito bitterly.

Retsu, while still not fully trusting her mouth, trusted her silence even less. "It would seem as though I've caused you a great deal of needless pain and suffering." She said softly.

_"Needless?"_ Snapped Kaito, informing Retsu that her words had betrayed her again._ "Such actions wouldn't be called for even if things were as you so erroneously saw them! You're a captain for heaven's sake woman! A symbol to all those who serve under you! For you to go and act like this sets an example no better than anything I suspect that Spike head could set forth!"_

At those words, something came out in Retsu. Something she hadn't felt in so long. Defiance. "Let me say something right now. Ever since I recieved this position, I've always done my best to be an example of peace and kindness for my division. I've worked hard for centuries to make the 4th Division what it is today. One mistake in all that time does not set a bad example." Retsu had poured so much into that rant, it surprised herself. Normally she's the epitome of peace and tranquility. But it seemed as if Kaito knew how to push all of her buttons. She had expected Kaito to react in some way. Insult her rationality more. Continue his triad against her for gravely wounding him. But she was prepared for all that now. She knew how to deal with his kind.

She was wrong.

_"So that's your game, is it?"_ Smirked Kaito. _"You want to paint yourself as some kind of saint who's exempt from punishment? Cute. Very cute. But sadly, it's not enough is it? There's more to this than one would expect at a glance, isn't there? You've worked hard to get where you are today, have you? You've played by all the rules? You've done your training through and through? But let's see if we can have some fun picking apart all that work and effort."_ He was going to have fun with this.

_"Let's start analyzing your life thus far, shall we?"_ Taunted Kaito. _"I think we should start from the beginning. You seem like the kind of woman who was raised in a decent time, with decent people. Nothing too great, or too small. A pleasant experience overall, but your dangerous undertones, choice in career, and obvious dedication to your job belay something more tragic. Let me guess, you lost someone important to you that could have been saved with proper medical attention?"_ Noticing Retsu's stunned look, he continued with a satisfied grin.

_"Let me guess... It was your mother? No, that wouldn't fit, would it? You're far too ladylike in your mannerisms to have gone without a proper female role-model. Your father then. Yes, I can see it now. Your father passed on, while your mother had to take over for both parents. But it wasn't easy for her, was it? No, you wouldn't normally have such an air of responsibility around you if it was. It eventually grew to be too much for her, didn't it? She turned to vices such as the drink to cope with her loss and new burden, and you had to step up and be a proper role model?"_

Retsu retreated a few step. His accuracy of reading her life thus far was astounding and frightening all at the same time.

_"But why would you have to be a proper role model, I wonder? Perhaps you had some younger siblings to look after? You were the oldest among them, were you? Or at least, the oldest still alive."_

Retsu was frightened. That was the only way to describe what she was feeling. She knew that she had lived this all before, but to hear it like this, from someone who had only known her for a few short hours, was like reliving it all over again.

_"That's it, isn't it? Lost an older sibling in addition to your daddy? It must have happened after he was gone, since your mother needed some reason to fall further into depression and resort to the bottle, didn't she? So with your elder sibling gone and your mother too drunk to do anything, you needed to step up and look after your younger siblings. But that's not the end of it, is it?"_

Retsu didn't respond. Her breathing was too rushed and panicked to do anything.

_"As we've already established, you're a captain, but it wasn't an easy trek, was it? You needed some motivation. Some reason to pour all your efforts into it. After all, only 13 people can hold the rank of captain at once, can't they? They have to be the best of the best of the best. They are competing against a little over 200 Shinigami per division, and about 3000 Shinigami in total after all, meaning that only 1 in every 230 or so Shinigami can attain that rank. They can't be slackers. Why, I'll bet there are Shinigami older than you who haven't climbed very far in the ranks at all. So what makes you so special? What could have motivated you to get to where you are today, I wonder?"_

"Stop it." Hissed Retsu quietly.

_"Hit a sore spot, have I? Well, it's not all that surprising, really. Just look at where you're standing."_

Retsu was confused by his words. What did where she was standing have anything to do with this. Looking around, she got her answer.

He had boxed her into a corner. Literally!

_"I take it you see your situation."_ Smirked Kaito._ "Even though I'm the one in the full body cast, you're the one at the disadvantage right now. Case and point, you're retreating. To retreat is to fear your enemy. Your guilt over putting me into this bed, your morals as a medic, and your orders are preventing you from causing me any harm. Meanwhile, I can toy with your mind at my leisure. And as I recall, you have orders to watch over me until I recover, do you not? This means that your torment won't end until I recover. Now where was I before I was so rudely interrupted?"_

"Stop it." Said Retsu, loudly and more clearly this time.

_"Ah yes, that's it. I was about to decipher your motivation for your actions that led to your acquisition of your position. You looked after your family as best you could, didn't you? Always putting their needs ahead of your own? You probably recovered some sense of normalcy to your life. Found some level of peace. But it didn't last, did it? Motivation comes from negative things. Pain. Suffering. Loss."_

"Stop it." Retsu said louder than she usually spoke.

_"That's right. Loss. Even though you worked to do your best for your family, it wasn't enough, was it?"_

"Stop it."

_"You lost them all, didn't you?"_

"Stop it!"

_"You threw yourself into your work in order to forget all about them, didn't you?"_

"Stop it. Stop it. Stop it!" She demanded as she held her head in retreat.

"Captain! What's going on?" Panicked Isane as she burst through the door, obviously having heard her outburst.

Kaito payed no her no mind, and continued on with his analysis. _"You never aimed to be captain. It was just something that happened because you were working so hard to forget them. That nice woman act of yours. It's just your way of masking and bottling up all of that pain you've felt over the years. You never let yourself get close to anyone because you're afraid of losing them as well."_

"Captain, what's he talking about?" Asked Isane worriedly, her captain trembling in her hands.

_"Why we're just discussing her problems. Aren't we, Retsu?"_ Kaito said in a sickeningly sweet voice that reminded Retsu of her own when she wants people to comply. Only now did she realize how horrifying it sounded.

Retsu, finding herself completely unable to reply, frantically felt and walked along the wall behind her until she found the door, and rushed out.

Isane, not believing what she had just witnessed, turned her head slowly towards Kaito. "What did you do to her?" She breathed.

_"Like I said before. We just talked about her problems."_ Smirked Kaito in such a manner that it vaguely reminded her of Aizen._ "Would you care to talk about your problems?"_

Isane, eyes wide with fright, followed her captain's example and rushed out the door.

* * *

><p>Chuckling softly to himself once they were gone, Kaito smirked at the doorway they had retreated from. <em>"Run, run, run all you like my dear. You'll be back. Your conscience won't allow you to do otherwise. You'll be back tomorrow. The day after. Even the next day. You'll keep coming back until I'm fully recovered, and I'll keep tormenting you until long after."<em>

* * *

><p>How do you like that? Pretty dramatic if I do say so myself. Frankly, I'm surprised that I could get this much raw emotion onto the page myself. I'm getting pretty good at this writing thing.<p>

"One more thing!" Please review! I'm getting desperate here!_  
><em>


	4. Chapter 4

Okay, this is getting ridiculous! I've written three chapters for this in just a little under 4 days! And these chapters aren't exactly short either. I'm putting about 5000 words of work into each chapter, and I'm still coming out with these things rapid fire. I never used to be this good, but I guess that's progress for you. Anyway, I'll stop yammering on and let you get back to the reading.

"One more thing!" There is going to be a lot of swearing in this chapter. And I mean **A LOT** of swearing. Just thought I'd give you all the heads up.

* * *

><p><strong>Directly Following the last Chapter - Retsu and Isane's perspective<strong>

Retsu was distraught. She knew her past. She knew that she was running from it. She knew she was hiding from it. She wasn't naive. She knew that it wasn't healthy to keep such things going on. But she had grown so used to hiding her pain over the centuries that she was too scared to change now. Constantly striving to not let it catch up to her was what she did, and she was doing a fairly good job of keeping the past in the past.

Until Kaito had read her like a book and painfully ripped it out of her.

It was amazing, really. Had it been anyone else, she would have been skeptical as to how he had figured out all her hidden fears and insecurities in such a short time. But after the disaster that had come about from not placing faith in his words the last time, she didn't feel like doubting anything else that came out of his mouth at this point.

"Captain?" Came the nervous voice of her lieutenant, cutting her out of her thoughts. She was actually so nervous right now, she nearly jumped out of her skin.

"Yes, Isane?" She asked, failing to keep all traces of nervousness from her voice. She noticed that her lieutenant looked just as frightened and nervous as she felt, if not more.

"Wh-What happened in there?" She asked hesitantly. "I was only there for the last bit of it, so I don't know much, but what did he do that made you so..." She wrung her hands nervously as she was too hesitant to say anything further.

Retsu sighed. She knew that she shouldn't hide these sort of things from her lieutenant, but keeping these particular skeletons in her closet had been her way of life for centuries, and she wasn't sure if she could change it now. "I'm sorry, Isane, but these are things I'd just rather keep to myself."

Isane grew more worried at her words. "But captain! He made you shout and quake in fear like that! And as long as I've known you, you've never raised your voice or been scared of anything." She normally wasn't so adamant about anything, but this was her captain she was talking about, damn it! If there was ever anything wrong with her, she wanted to know.

Retsu gave her lieutenant a halfhearted smile, glad that she was showing so much concern for her. But she couldn't tell her about all this. She just couldn't, no matter how much Isane meant to her. "I'm sorry if I worried you, Isane. But these are things I have to deal with on my own." It hurt her to shut out her lieutenant, it really did. Normally she would accept any help she could get if she ever needed it. But this was one problem that she just couldn't bring herself to share with anyone. The fact that Kaito had somehow figured all of it out was evidence enough that sharing this pain only made it even hurt more.

"Captain," Said Isane with a sternness Retsu had never thought she was capable of. "He said that you've had this problem, whatever it is, since before you became captain. That was hundreds of years ago. I'm sorry, but if you could face these problems on your own, you would have done so a long time ago."

Retsu felt a multitude of emotions right now. Pride concerning the observation skills of her lieutenant. Fear because she had pieced that much together in the first place. Even bitterness over the comment about her age. "I'm grateful for your concern, Isane, I really am. But these are problems I have to face myself, and should have done so long ago."

Isane just stared at her captain in thought for a painfully long time for Retsu, and when she spoke, her words cut through her like a knife. "He said something about you getting over losing people close to you. Is that why you're not telling me? Because you're afraid that you'll lose me too?"

Retsu didn't have the heart to reply. She was too nervous to admit that she had hit the nail on the head.

Unfortunately for her, Isane understood her silence. "Captain, I've always looked up to you, even before I joined the Gotei 13. You've always been a role model for me to look up to, and when you asked me to be your lieutenant, I was overjoyed. You've always been the best captain I could ask for, and you've always been there for me whenever I've had trouble. So is it too much to ask for me to return the favor for once?"

Now Retsu felt even worse for having to shut her out. While at the same time feeling immeasurably proud. Isane had matured so much since she had first meet her. Back then she was a jumpy giant afraid of her own shadow and self-conscious about her height. She would have the strangest nightmares and shuffle about awkwardly all the time. It had taken some time, but now she had grown into a responsible adult that could actually be used as a support instead of always needing supporting herself. It was this very potential she saw in her that had prompted her to ask her to be her lieutenant in the first place, and she was very glad to see all the effort she had put into training her finally pay off. But now was not the time nor the place for such sentiments.

"I'm sorry, Isane," Retsu apologized again. "I know that you're only looking out for me as I've done for you so many times. I know that you probably could help me with all these difficulties."

"So why don't you let me?" Isane pleaded.

"Because," Began Retsu sadly as she hung her head in regret. "Even though your heart is in the right place. Even though I place more trust in you than anyone else. There are some things that I'm not ready to talk about just yet."

"Then when will you be ready to talk?" Asked Isane. "You've had hundreds of years to get ready to talk about whatever it is that's hurting you so much."

While Retsu winced in irritation at another remark at her age, she knew that she couldn't hold it against Isane. "I'm not certain myself." She said sadly. "If possible, I was hoping to stay quiet about this til my dying days. But as I have to watch over Kaito until he recovers, I have a feeling that I'll have to face my past very soon."

"If talking to Kaito is causing you so much stress, then just have someone else look after him!" Panicked Isane. "I'll do it myself if I have to!"

Again, there was that surge of pride. "I'm sorry, Isane," She realized that she was doing a lot of apologizing today. "But I'm responsible for his condition, and without reason at that. If anyone is going to help him recover, it has to be me."

"Without reason?" Gasped Isane. "But you saw the way he acted. The way he taunted you."

"He wasn't taunting me at all, Isane." Retsu said remorsefully. "Unlike what I assumed earlier, he can hear in his sleep. Not to mention that he can also talk in his sleep whenever he falls asleep while focused on something." Isane's eyes widened in comprehension. "I was the one who told him to focus. I was the one who wouldn't listen to his objections on the matter. I was the one who misunderstood his dreams. His dreams about nothing more than pleasant conversations and sharing jokes with me. Dreams he had because he had come to trust me in the short time we've known each other." Now Isane looked just as guilty as Retsu felt. "Do you see now, Isane? I'm the reason he's so badly off. So I have to at least try to set things right."

Isane looked down at the ground despondently. "Alright, just... Be careful, okay?" She finally requested. "That look in his eyes... That way he acted... It reminded me so much of Aizen after he turned traitor."

"I know, Isane." Admitted Retsu. "I drove him to act that way, so now I have to undo the damage I've caused. Before it's too late."

"How are you going to do that?" Asked Isane curiously.

Now, Retsu actually smirked. "How does a person win any battles? Be they wars of the body, or of the mind?" Isane now look thoroughly confused. She honestly had no answer for that.

"They create a strategy of course."

* * *

><p><strong>The Next Day<strong>

Retsu was content with the day thus far. Everything and everyone in her division were running smoothly, as they always were. The friends and family of some patients were stopping by to wish them a quick recovery, as they always were. It was these simple things that brought her joy in life. Oh, and she also had a plan to treat Kaito today while countering his cold words with some choice words of her own. Things were going to go well today.

"Unohana-taicho." Came a cold and subtly embittered voice.

"Yes, Kuchiki-taicho?" She greeted pleasantly, already prepared for an encounter with this particular captain, as well as another certain captain and lieutenant.

Byakuya glared at Retsu for a few seconds, seeming to search for something. What it was he was searching for, she was unaware, but he didn't seem to find it. "I'll get right down to business. I'm fully aware of what you've done to my nephew."

"I expected as much." She sighed, trying her best to mask her pain and regret. "I take it you're here to see him today?"

"I've already spoken with him today, as I did yesterday." He explained, sounding vaguely concerned. "He seems to have changed a great deal in the time since he first arrived in Seireitei."

"I suppose I'm largely the one responsible for that." She admitted sadly. "The Kaito I knew in the short time before I injured him seemed like such a relaxed young man. And now, because of my misconduct, he's become so cold."

Byakuya coughed lightly into his hand and fidgeted with his hairpieces and then his scarf nervously, and quite possibly self-consciously. "Well, I'm not entirely sure if 'cold' would be the exact choice of words I'd use to describe his change in attitude."

Retsu blinked in confusion. "I suppose he acted differently around you that he did me." She reasoned. "You are his uncle after all, while I'm just the woman who caused him serious injury."

"Um... That's not exactly the point I was trying to make." He said nervously as he averted his eyes from Retsu and gained a faint blush upon his cheeks.

_'There is something seriously wrong here.'_ Realized Retsu worriedly. _'Kuchiki-taicho never hesitates in his words. He always maintains eye contact when talking to someone. And he most certainly never blushes. What happened to make him act like this?' _As soon as she asked herself that question, her mind supplied her with an answer. _'Kaito? Could he be lashing out at anyone now? Even his own family? From what little I've heard on the subject, he never has been on good terms with his uncle, but for him to go out and make him act like this? What exactly have I done?'_

Byakuya coughed into his hand nervously. "Well, regardless of anything else, I must be going now. I have to have a talk with my sister and brother-in-law." And with that, he left.

_'Now I know something's seriously wrong.'_ Panicked Retsu internally._ 'Never before has Kuchiki-taicho referred to Kurosaki-taicho as his brother-in-law. It's always been Ichigo Kurosaki, and they've never gotten along all that well. What exactly did Kaito say to him?'_

With her uncertainty like a lead weight in her gut, Retsu went off to Kaito's room_._

* * *

><p>As Retsu approached Kaito's room, her uncertainty grew. If he was willing to lash out at his own family, what would he have in store for her?<p>

_'No, I can't think like that.'_ She reminded herself._ 'Remember Retsu, you've planned for today. No matter what biting comments he throws your way, you can handle them and counter them. Now you just have to take those first steps through that door and handle your time with him as well as you can.'_ Taking a deep breath to steel her nerves, Retsu walked into the room.

**"Well, well, well. If it ain't the bitch what got me in this mess in the first place!"** Came the clearly angry voice of Kaito. **"Come back again today to rub some salt in these festering wounds of mine, ya wench?"**

Retsu was shocked. She already knew more or less what she could expect today from Kaito, and this certainly wasn't it. She was expecting an_ icy_ verbal assault from him, but was instead being treated to a raging** hothead**.

**"What 'cha staring at, Suicide Bitch?"** He demanded loudly. **"Ya think a guy in a hospital bed is hot stuff, do ya? No wonder you became a medic if that get of on that kinda messed up shit!"**

"Suicide... Bitch?" Repeated a stupefied Retsu.

**"What are ya, a parrot?"** He asked irritably.** "Yeah, Suicide Bitch. That's what you are. I mean, just look at that damn hair 'o yours. It looks like a fucking noose! What, do ya wear it like that 'cuz ya miss your daddy an brothers an sisters? Is that it ya little bitch? Ya miss 'em all so much ya gonna kills yaself wit ya own hair? Is that it, Suicide Bitch? Ya know I kinda like the sound a' that. I'm gonna call you Suicide Bitch from now on, Suicide Bitch. Ya got that, Suicide Bitch?"**

Now Retsu was thoroughly confused, and also rather offended, with a touch of self-conscientiousness about her hair for good measure._ 'Is this what Kuchiki-taicho was referring to when he said he wouldn't describe him as cold?'_ Wondered Retsu. Not wanting to look like the helpless victim of verbatim again, but also not wanting to offend him any further, she coughed lightly into her hand and did her best to compose herself. "I know that you're upset about how events played out, Kaito, and that you have every right to be angry at me, but do you believe that such language is really necessary?"

**"Do I believe that such language is really necessary?"** Mocked Kaito.** "I don't care whether it's necessary or not! Do you have any fucking idea how funking boring it is in here? The only things I can do all day are insult everyone that comes by, and read who knows how many fucking back issues of Seireitei Communications day in and day out! I don't care that Mr. Hitsugaya makes pansy ass ice sculptures!**** I don't care that Captain Clown Face publishes weird medical stuff like reflex stimulants and that Hollow bones, skins, and livers are safe for consumption! And I certainly don't give a fuck that you send in your own overly feminine shit to this rag you Shinigami call a publication!"** He punctuated his outburst by trying, and painfully and comically failing due to his broken arms to throw the magazine in his hands at Retsu.

"Be careful!" Panicked Retsu as she rushed over to have a look at his arm while he continued to shout various obscenities at her.

**"Damn it to hell!"** Cursed Kaito as he clutched his arm in pain. **"You're just as annoying as that fucking, amoral, retarded, stuck up, unrepentant, loser, of a prick of an uncle of mine!"**

Doing her best to ignore all the the foul words Kaito spouted in his rage, Retsu still managed to catch a few discernible words from his venting. "You don't seem to like your uncle very much, do you?" She said knowingly.

**"No shit, Sherlock!"** Outburst Kaito.** "Wasn't that obvious enough from all the shit I was spouting about 'im just now? What of it? Ya wanna make something of it, Suicide Bitch?"**

"Not at all." Replied Retsu, slightly straining to keep her voice even. "I just can't help but wonder what he's done to make you hate him so."

**"Ya wanna know why I hate 'im, Suicide Bitch?"** Kaito smirked. **"It's simple, really. He never gets along with my dad, and even nearly killed him at least three times before I was even born! And that's not even mentioning the fact that he tried to go through on an execution of his own adoptive sister, who he was asked to watch over as a last request by his late wife because she was her actual little sister! I've got eight choice words to say to him about that! WHAT THE HELL MAN! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL! Your late wife, who you say you loved more than anyone else in your entire life, and you completely ignore her dying wish because of some outdated honor crap? You are seriously fucked up in the head!"**

_'Now I get it,'_ Realized Retsu._ 'He hates his uncle because hates his ethics.'_

**"And that's not all!"** Kaito continued.** "I know the real reason he didn't give a fuck about his fucking late wife's fucking last wish, too! It's because he's a fucking closet homosexual!**** A total fruitcake! I mean just look at the bastard! News Flash Uncle Fruitcake! Calling your hair pipes some fancy ass name, and saying that your fancy ass scarf is a fancy ass family heirloom, and was made by some glorified fancy ass knitter with a fancy ass name that's too fucking complicated to pronounce, using some fancy ass silk, and is worth enough to buy a shitload of mansions, doesn't make you sound like any less of a Fruitcake! In fact, it makes you look like even more of a Fruitcake! Because only a Fruitcake would go out of their way to remember all the fruity details about it! I'll bet his wife didn't even die of sickness! No, she probably slowly poisoned herself because she came to the realization that she was married to a fucking homosexual, and couldn't stand the revelation!"**

_'Swearing aside, that would explain Kuchiki-taicho's odd behavior earlier in the hall.'_ Retsu realized, both annoyed by the massive amount of swearing she had just been subject to, and shamefully amused at Kaito's very vivid reasons for hating his uncle.

**"Alright! Enough ranting about my homo uncle! It's no fun ranting about someone who ain't even here. So I'll start ranting about you instead."** Kaito decided.

Now Retsu was worried. She had prepared for a cold and bitter Kaito, not the raging volcano that she was currently dealing with. "I'd really rather that you didn't-"

**"Oh really?"** Asked Kaito sarcastically. **"Well I'd really rather that you didn't beat me within an inch of my fucking life, and then try to sweep it all under the rug! So I guess that we're both disappointed then!"**

"Kaito, do you really think that getting angry at me will solve anything?" Retsu asked. Hoping that one of the lines she'd prepared for the Kaito she'd encountered in this room yesterday would work on this one.

**"No, I don't. But it sure as hell makes me feel better!"** Kaito rebuked. **"Now where was I? Oh yeah, that's right. I was talking about what an uncaring bitch you are!"**

That struck a chord with Retsu. "Uncaring? I look after my division as if they were family! You have no right to-"

**"As if they were your family? How pretty. Yeah, it's so pretty it makes me wanna blow chunks!"** Mocked Kaito.** "Who the fuck do you think you're kidding? 'Cuz it sure as hell ain't me! If they were really like your family, then wouldn't you care enough about them to share your oh so painful past with them?** I'd understand if you didn't tell some of your lower ranked officers, but you're keeping quiet about it to your own lieutenant?**"  
><strong>

Retsu's eyes widened in shock. _'How on earth could he have known-'_

**"Yeah. That's right. I heard you yammering away with Giant Girl yesterday. You two were right outside my door! And I have some of the best hearing you're ever likely to come by! What the fuck did you think would happen?"**

Now Retsu was thoroughly confused and offended._ 'What right does he have to talk to me like that? Last time I checked, he was the one in the hospital under my care, and I was the captain of an entire division! He should be treating me with more respect.'_ She thought angrily.

"Now you listen here," She began sternly. "I have been leading this division since before you and your parents were even born. You're just a patient under my care. I may have been the one to cause you those injuries in the first place, and without any reason, but I will not stand by and be told by some foul mouthed upstart how to handle my affairs. I don't have it in me to harm you any further than I already have, but you have no right to treat me so callously." Some part of her was aware that was the first time she had really gotten angry in hundreds of years, but she didn't really care about that. She may barely know Kaito, but she would not sit idly by and allow him to keep her at a disadvantage.

Kaito just looked at her in boredom and yawned over dramatically. **"Are you quite done yet, Suicide Bitch?"** He asked tiredly.** "Because if you are, then I have a few choice words for you too. You can preach on and on about how you're the one with authority here, or how you treat your lackeys like family, or even how I'm a foul mouthed jackass. None of that shit matters at all to me, because I just really hate your guts right now, Suicide Bitch. And anyway, from where I'm standing, or rather temporarily crippled because of you, almost all of that shit you're spouting is nothing but a pack of lies."**

"What on earth are you talking-"

**"You shut everyone out!"** He cut her off. **"You never let anyone close to you! You're always bottling up your emotions! You never really take any action! All you do is sit around, look pretty, and clean up the battlefield after a problem comes up! You thought I wouldn't know about any of this? Well shows what you know! Remember how I said I only had back issues of Seireitei Communications to read? Well I got bored with those a few hours ago and decided to read up on fucking history instead. Just for a fucking change of pace. And you know what I saw about you? You've never really done anything all that great! You just scare some of the weaker bastards into line, and patch up whoever! And I'll bet I know the reason you never do anything! It's because you're afraid you'll fail everyone! Just like you did with your family!"**

"Enough!" Shouted Retsu fiercely. "I will not tolerate your foul mouth, your insults, your ranting, or your analyzing and berating of my life any longer! You're intolerable at your best, and you make me wish I had killed you at your worst! I know you're angry at me, but right now you're not making this any easier on either of us! So just sit down and let me get to work!" By the end, Retsu was panting deeply. _'I can't remember the last time I've ever gotten that angry... Maybe never. All I know right now, is that the longer I'm forced to be around Kaito, the more he's going to bring out the worst in me.'_

**"Oh, shut up about that."** Said Kaito, who was actually being the calm one right now.** "You're stuck with me now, so get used to it. I'm not going anywhere until I'm fully recovered, and I know you're not going to stop coming back to patch me up. You feel too guilty about how much you messed me up to not keep coming back. The fact that you even came back today after how much I tormented you yesterday proves that much, bitch. So just shut up about me bringing out the worst in you and get to work!"**

Retsu's eyes widened in shock again. "How did you know what I was thinking?" She asked, fearing the worst.

**"What the fuck are you talking about, woman?" **Snapped Kaito.** "I can't read minds. I'm not a psychic or anything like that shit. I just listen to the crap that come out of your mouth and come up with the best way to be a jerk about what you say."**

It was then Retsu realized with no small amount of embarrassment that she had been think aloud. "Well, regardless of what either of us has said, I'd appreciate it if you'd please quiet down so I can get to work now." She said as she began his healing session for the day.

**"Oh, you want me to lower the volume on my insults?"** Asked Kaito sarcastically.** "I suppose I could do that. I don't exactly wanna be stuck in this fucking hospital forever, after all."**

Retsu winced at his remark. "That's not exactly what I had in mind when I said-"

**"That's your problem."** Remarked Kaito, actually keeping his word about quieting down.** "You're always acting like you're so perfect, and nice, and tender, and calm, and it makes me wanna blow chunks. News Flash, Suicide Bitch. I'm not buying the act, so quit trying. When was the last time you ever loosened up anyway? When was the last time you even had a boyfriend, or did the nasty? If ever?"**

Retsu tensed at his line of questioning. Obviously angry about it.

**"That's it isn't it?"** Smirked Kaito.** "You've never had sex have you? I bet you've never even had a boyfriend. And if you did, I bet he's dead now. Just like everyone else you ever cared about in your entire fucking li-"**

"Enough!" Exploded Retsu. "I see now that you're nothing more than an uncaring demon! You open up my old wounds with a knife yesterday, and now you're twisting it! What do you plan to do tomorrow? Pour acid on it? You know what? You're right! I've never had sex! I've never had a boyfriend! I haven't even felt anything akin to a strong emotion for the past few **centuries** until I met you! You're right! I always keep my emotions bottled up! I don't form attachments! And I certainly don't like being reminded of it! But in all my life I've never met anyone more infuriating than you!" By the time she was done, she was breathing in heavy pants, completely exhausted from her venting.

Kaito was quite for a few seconds, with Retsu wondering what was going through that devious head of his. **"I've got just two words for you, Retsu."** He smirked. **"I. Win."**

It was at that moment that Retsu finally couldn't take anymore, and stormed out. When she opened the door however, several members of her division fell through the doorway.

**"Well, well. Looks like we had a few spies."** Smirked Kaito.** "Hope you don't mind people pointing and whispering at you, Retsu. Because they're gonna be doing that for a long time to come."** As he burst out laughing, Retsu took her leave, not really caring that gossip about her would no doubt spread like wildfire for a long time to come.

Retsu was outraged with the day thus far. Everything and everyone in her division were running poorly, as her entire division was no doubt in a gossip frenzy about her, different than usual. The friends and family of some patients were rushing out in a panic because of the outraged captain, different than usual. It was these simple things that brought her sorrow in her life. Oh, and she also had a plan to treat Kaito today while countering his cold words with some choice words of her own. A plan which quickly snowballed under the heat of a burning mad Kaito. She thought things were going to go well today.

She was wrong.

* * *

><p>How do you like that everybody? Was it good?<p>

"One more thing!" I'm contemplating changing it from Retsu x Kaito, to Retsu x Kaito x Isane. Tell me what you think in the reviews.


	5. Chapter 5

I am on a writing role here. I originally intended to post the first chapter of this at the beginning of September, but as you can see, I've written so much in such a surprisingly short time, that I decided to start earlier. As you can probably already tell by my update schedule, I update this thing about once a week. Ergo. please enjoy this story that has been surprisingly easy to write.

"One more thing!" I put up a poll recently. Check out my profile for details.

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><p><strong>Fourth Division - Retsu's Perspective.<strong>

Retsu didn't know where she was going. She didn't know what she was doing. All she knew at the moment was that she was running somewhere. Where exactly, she didn't know, but she had to run now. It was all she could do to stay calm, and quite possibly keep her sanity. She wasn't exactly sure how her sanity would depend on her running, but she did so anyway. Why? Because if she didn't, she might find out how ceasing her running could cause her to lose her sanity.

She was angry. More angry than she'd felt since she was made captain. More angry than she had been in the past few centuries. And quite possibly even more angry than she'd ever felt in her entire life. And all that rage was directed at one person. Kaito Kurosaki.

She also felt sorrow. Sorrow over the pain of having lost most of her father and siblings to violence. Sorrow over the pain of seeing her mother drink away her own sorrow day after day as a child. Sorrow over having all of it dredged up over the course of just a few days. Sorrow over the possibility that her division may begin to lose their faith in her over her outburst earlier. And all of that sorrow was because of one person. Kaito Kurosaki.

_'How is he able to get through?'_ Retsu asked herself. _'How is he able to get past all my defenses? How is he able to read me like a book? How is he able to understand me better than people who have known me for centuries, when he's barely known me for a few days? How is he able to do all of this?'_

Retsu wasn't sure if she really wanted to know the answers to these questions. They may cause her already unstable psyche more harm than good. As she rushed into a room and quickly shut the door behind her, still only half aware of what she was doing at the time, she finally came to her senses and realized that she had no idea where she was. Looking around, she quickly realized where she was.

"My room." She sighed thankfully. She knew why she was here, and was very glad that she was. Growing up, whenever things got her down, like her family dying all around her, or her mother coming home hopelessly drunk, whatever place she had currently labeled as her room was her safe retreat. Somewhere she could unwind and recover from any negative emotions she felt. She and her slowly dwindling family had frequently moved from place to place for various reasons, most of them linked to her mother's drinking problems, so she never really had a set room for very long until she had joined the ranks of the Gotei 13. Still, anyplace she could call her room, even for a short time, was somewhere she could relax.

Glad to be somewhere she knew would be safe, if only for a short while, she was actually so relieved, that she threw off her clothes until she was in nothing more than the standard Shinigami uniform, minus her footwear, and crawled into her futon. She didn't even care that her hair was still braided, that she usually slept in something more suited for sleeping, or even that the day was still far from over. Right now, she needed a chance to relax and to clear her head of any thoughts related to her family and Kaito, if only for a short while.

She didn't know for how long she was asleep, if she had even fallen asleep at all, but she was eventually roused by a frantic sounding rapping on her door.

_'Who could that be?'_ Thought Retsu groggily as she slowly lifted herself out of bed.

"Taicho! Unohana-taicho!" Came the frantic voice of her lieutenant.

_'Oh, it's Isane.'_ Realized Retsu as she made her way to the door._ 'I better go see what she wants. She's probably had another nightmare.'_

"Hello Isane," Retsu greeted groggily as she opened the door. "What can I help you with? Did you have another nightmare?"

"Nightmare?" Questioned Isane worriedly. "It's only 2:30 in the afternoon? Why would I be having a nightmare at this time of day?"

"Oh, is that so?" Wondered Retsu vacantly. "I guess I must have nodded off."

"With half your clothes missing and your hair braided?" Exploded Isane. "And your eyes look red! Have you been crying? I understand if Kaito upset you, but this is getting to be too much!"

"Kaito? Who's that?" Asked Retsu tiredly as she rubbed one of her red and puffy eyes.

"The guy who's clearly causing you to go crazy!" Explained Isane as she pulled Retsu's hand away from her eye. "That's it! You may be my captain, but this has gone far enough!" She said as she led Retsu to her bed. "You need rest. That much is for certain. Now do you think you can get ready for bed on your own, or do you need my help?" Isane felt ridiculous for doing this. Retsu was supposed to be her captain. She was the one who was supposed to look after her division, not the other way around. But the moment she had gotten wind of the gossip about what happened to her in Kaito's room, she knew that she had to step in.

"But I can't go to sleep at a time like this, Isane." Complained Retsu halfheartedly. "I need to look after everyone in the division."

"I can handle them for now.** You** need to get some rest." Pointed out Isane as she found herself forced to dress her own captain for bed. She might find the situation embarrassing if it weren't so serious.

"If you say so Isane," Relented Retsu as Isane covered her up. "I am pretty sleepy, after all."

"Good," Sighed Isane. "Just so long as you get some sleep. Now I'm going to leave now. Do you **promise **not to leave this room until I come back?"

"Isane, I appreciate the thought, but I'm not a little kid." Giggled Retsu.

"This is serious, captain!" Said Isane sternly. "Now promise me that you won't leave this bed."

Unfortunately for Isane, Retsu had somehow managed to fall asleep in the short time she hadn't been talking.

_'How did she even manage that?'_ Wondered Isane, completely dumbfounded. _'Well, there's no time for that now. Right now, I have to do some research on what's happening to my captain, and report this to Yamamoto-sotaicho.'_

* * *

><p><strong>The next day - 4:44 AM<strong>

_'Where am I?'_ Thought Retsu as light flickered in and out around her. The last thing she could remember was talking to Kaito, getting angry, and storming off in a huff. After that, it was all one big blank. As the light around her started to dim again, it suddenly stopped, and everything began to come into focus. As it did, she saw a few familiar landmarks. A large, grassy hill with a few trees barely visible at the top. A clear river running upstream instead of down. Day and night intertwining in the sky, forming a waving band of twilight in the middle of the sky instead of on the horizon. It was then that Retsu finally realized where she was.

"Why am I in my inner world?" She asked herself aloud.

For a long time, there was silence. Retsu was alone, sitting peacefully with only her thoughts to keep her company. She knew that there could be only one reason why she would be here without coming here of her own free will. Her Zanpakuto, Minazuki, must have called her in here for some reason. Why, she had no real way of knowing until Minazuki herself appeared before her and told her on her own. It was strange, really. She didn't really talk with her Zanpakuto all that much. Not because they didn't get along, but because they really saw no reason to. Especially Minazuki, who could sometime go decades without talking to anyone. How she managed to stand it, Retsu had no idea.

As she heard the soft sound of feet shuffling through grass, she knew Minazuki had arrived.

Waiting until the footsteps stopped and Minazuki appeared before her, Retsu greeted her oldest friend in the world. "Hello again, Minazuki. What a pleasant surprise. Tell me, why exactly have you brought me here after all this time? It's been nearly a decade since I last saw you."

For a long time, Minazuki simply stared at her wielder through her shaded robes. Retsu didn't mind at all. She knew Minazuki liked to take things at her own, usually slow pace. Finally, after several minutes of waiting, Minazuki spoke. "It has been quite some time since you have been bothered by it."

Retsu looked at her Zanpakuto in confusion. "Bothered about what exactly?" She may have been able to figure out what 'it' was on her own under normal circumstances, but she still wasn't exactly thinking straight.

Silence again, from Minazuki, then finally. "The loss of your family."

Retsu's eyes widened in recollection. "Yes, that." She sighed. "I suppose I've kept it buried for so long this time, that I've nearly forgotten it."

"That is not good." Said Minazuki immediately this time. "Ignoring it is causing you more harm than it is good. Do you not know what your interactions with Kaito have been doing to this place?"

Retsu felt the words like they were a heavy weight in her chest. "I suppose my own pain over the situation has been causing you great grief as well." She said regretfully.

"Yes, but not entirely." Replied Minazuki. "During your first painful encounter with Kaito, I stood by your side, as I always would. During your second however, it grew so bad that I had to seek refuge in another Shinigami's inner world. Because of this, your own mind was left to take the full blow of his words, without my assistance."

Retsu grew very worried. Zanpakuto almost never left their own world, unless it was to visit another Zanpakuto close to their wielder, and in turn, themselves. Most Zanpakuto wouldn't even allow another into their own world anyway, unless their wielders were close enough for them to consider it. It was their own world that suited them most after all, and intruders were usually not welcome.

On top of that, Retsu, though being a very kind person at heart, had never truly allowed herself to get too close or attached to anyone in recent years, so she never really had anyone close enough to her for Minazuki to consider getting acquainted with their Zanpakuto as well. For her to leave her own world, the pain and devastation going on must have been traumatic.

"I'm terribly sorry, Minazuki." Retsu apologized sadly. "I should have confronted these matters long ago, and because I haven't, you suffered for my mistakes."

Silence again. Minazuki was clearly processing the words of her wielder, and exactly what to say next. When she finally spoke, it was a mere three words that cut deep into her.

"Talk to Kaito."

"What?" Panicked Retsu, hoping she was hearing things. "You can't honestly be serious? After what he did to us the last time?"

"You mean what he did to **you**." Rebuked Minazuki. "And after what you did to him, I'm not entirely sure if I can blame him. You should see how much damage you've caused for both his inner world, and his Zanpakuto."

"What?" Repeated Retsu. "How could you know what happened in there? Unless..."

"That's correct," Nodded Minazuki. "His was the only world I was able to seek refuge in. All others in the area were either to scared of letting in some of the disaster in my world, or too scared of letting me into their world, due to knowing your own reputation. The only one that wouldn't shut me out was him."

"But why would he invite you into his world?" Retsu breathed. "Especially after..."

"I wasn't entirely certain what to think of it myself at first," Minazuki answered. "And truth be told, I'm still not sure. I don't know if I was let in because he wanted revenge against me, or if it was done out of sympathy to my plight. There were too many conflicting ideas to really know for certain."

"Conflicting ideas?" Repeated Retsu in wonder. "Do you mean to say that he has multiple spirits?"

"Of that, I'm not certain myself." Minazuki admitted. "He refused to appear before me, but he did sound as if he was debating with himself. From his words, I also learned that this was apparently a recent development that started right after you attacked his wielder."

Retsu looked down in sadness. "So it all comes back to my own actions, does it? Just like how I lost the last of my siblings?"

"This is all regrettable," Consoled Minazuki. "But there is one more thing I must make note of. Something that hopefully can mend the damage between you and Kaito."

"What is it?" Retsu asked with just a hint of desperation. For once, she was at a loss as to what she should do.

"As I said before, you need to talk to Kaito." Minazuki repeated. "Doing so will help you to confront your past. But it will in no way be easy. These are very old wounds, and you must reopen them if you want them to heal properly this time."

"Reopen them." Whispered Retsu. "Kaito seems to be doing a fine job of that already."

"Indeed he is," Nodded Minazuki. "But there's more to this than just that. Whatever it is that your actions did to the mind of Kaito's Zanpakuto, also affected Kaito's own mind."

Retsu found herself growing even more worried. "Exactly how has his mind been affected?"

"His mind, like that of his Zanpakuto, seems to have been fractured in some way." Minazuki explained. "He may act one way one minute, and a completely different way the next. In short, his actions and personality are unstable."

And there was the regret again. "That would explain his change in attitude from one day to the next." She realized sadly. "Exactly how many different faces does he have?"

"That, I do not know." Admitted Minazuki. "It could be that there are only the ones you've already seen, or it could be countless more. The only way to find out is to keep talking to him, no matter how much it may hurt."

Retsu sighed. "It would seem that I'm caught between two diverging paths right now. One that would be an easy escape for now, but would leave me open for more suffering in the future. The other would hurt me greatly now, but prevent suffering in the future."

"The choice is yours alone to make," Minazuki informed her. "But be warned. I'm in no mood to be harmed in such a way again. If you make one decision, and live to regret it, or if you quit halfway through, I'll be forced to leave you again. Until a time where your pain has subsided once more, and you have gotten back on the path you decided."

"So it's come to this, has it?" Questioned Retsu. Minazuki simply nodded in response. For a long time, there was silence. Neither one of them speaking to the other at all. Finally, the silence was broken. "I suppose I was bound to confront these issues at some point, wasn't I?" Retsu said, her mind made up.

Minazuki simply nodded. The decision reached, Retsu disappeared from her inner world.

* * *

><p><strong>Retsu's Room<strong>

As Retsu stirred from her sleep, the words of her Zanpakuto were still unusually strong in her mind for someone just awakening, but this was the norm for communications with Zanpakuto during sleep. They were a part of their wielder's soul, so they were closely intertwined. When she was fully awake, she knew what her first course of action had to be.

Get ready for the day. She may want to get to Kaito as fast as possible, strange as it may sound, but her daily grooming always came first.

After she got all her clothes on and went to braid her hair, she was hesitant about it. She remembered what Kaito had said about her hair, saying that it looked like a noose, and actually felt somewhat self-conscious about it. After some debate on the subject, she decided against braiding her hair for today, if only to confront Kaito sooner.

* * *

><p><strong>Kaito's Room<strong>

Here she was. On the threshold of what could quite possibly decide her future. To say she was nervous would be an understatement. How she handled whatever was through these doors could very well spell the end of her centuries long career as a Shinigami, but she had already made her decision, and she intended to see it through to the end.

Opening the door and walking through it, she was actually glad that it was so early in the morning that only a select few members of her division on the night shift were awake. She wasn't sure how she could deal with any interruptions.

Seeing Kaito on the bed, she remembered that he could hear in his sleep, a fact that she would not soon forget again, so she got to saying her bit before he woke up.

"Kaito," She began. "I know that you can hear me, I believe you this time." A light snore in response. "I know that I've caused you a great deal of pain. My Zanpakuto spoke to me about how much I've hurt both you and your own Zanpakuto." Another snore. "I want you to know that I'm not going to run from you, or my past, anymore." The snore count rose to three. "You can say whatever you want about me or my past. I'll confront it, and use it to move on with my life." A fourth snore, until...

"Goooood Morning Seireitei!" Announced Kaito loudly. "This is Kaito Kurosaki here with the Channel 5 News! It's a balmy 72 degrees Fahrenheit this morning with a 60 percent chance of Retsu-chan being driven up the walls by yours truly! Now, here's Ollie Williams with the Retsu-chan commentary. Ollie?" Kaito said in a rush before saying. "Lady's old!" He said in an angry sounding voice. "Thank you Ollie. And now, on with the show! First off, we have the Humiliation Conga at 6:00, followed by the world premier of the latest lame sitcom by Fox about some hot nurse at an asylum, and her schizophrenic patient! Stayed tuned for what is almost certain to be yet another total flop for Fox!" He finished as he looked at a very confused Retsu expectantly.

Retsu was baffled. She had expected Kaito to berate, insult, and torture her for all the harm she'd caused him, but this was just plain strange. And what was that part about her being old? "I'll have you know that I'm still in my early Thirties in comparison to the average human lifespan." She insisted indignantly.

"Ohhh! Christmas Cake! How positively delicious! I've always liked things that are just a little bit past their expiration date. Oh, expiration date on a Christmas Cake! That's a good joke for a Shinigami above the standard marrying age! You know, since they're dead and all? Ah, I know people don't like it when you explain the joke, but this is for all you really slow people out there who can't get a date to save your lives. Which is why you're in here listening to the third-rate jokes of a two-bit hack like me, instead of taking your special someone to a first-rate comedian like Larry the Cable Guy, or some other funny guy like Weird Al Yankovic. All of you zeros know who you are! Get it? I went three, two, one, zero. Now it's time for the blast-off. Ba-Boom!" He said in a rush before breaking out into a hysterical fit of laughter.

Retsu was now completely lost. She had been expecting some insults to come her way, or perhaps complete lack of interest in anything to do with her. But this was utter insanity.

_'What have I done to this poor boy?'_ Retsu asked herself as Kaito's fit of laughter died down.

"Kaito, I think it would be best if you calmed down for a bit." She suggested.

"I should calm down? Come on! You're the one with issues here! I'm not the one who woke up at the crack of dawn just to see someone cracked up in the head. Speaking of crack heads, did you ever notice that my Uncle Fruitcake has pipes on his head? He's Uncle Pipehead! That right there's a bunch of drug addict jokes just waiting to happen! Ohhh! And he's even gayer than I first thought! Do you know what his Zanpakuto is? I know what his Zanpakuto is because I read a bunch of history books and then burned a few when I was all grumpy at the time, and his Zanpakuto turns into a bunch of sparkly Sakura petals! If that's not completely fruity, I don't know what is. Can I get a woof woof right here dawg? And I'm not talking about Mr. Komamura, unless he wants to join in too. Are ya feeling me? If you are, then stop, that's really creepy ya pedophile. Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Retsu had long since stopped trying to understand Kaito at this point. If he wanted to act completely random, by all mean, let him act that way. Though she couldn't help but catch a few comments in his rant, and actually chuckled at the remarks about Kuchiki-taicho's sexuality. But there was one thing about what he said that really upset her.

"I was not feeling you, and am in no way a pedophile." She defended. "If you're going to keep acting like this, then I'll just come back another time. Hopefully you'll be a bit more coherent by then."

"Aww, you're no fun." Whined Kaito. "You're like the me who was here two days ago. You're always so serious and wanting to get right down to the point. Where's the fun in that? If you take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive, but then again, if you're here in Seireitei, I guess you really haven't gotten out alive, have you? And another thing-"

"Hold on just a second," Interrupted Retsu. "Do you mean to say that you can recall your actions two days ago?"

"Can I recall them? Let's see if I can! Beep-beep-boop-beep-boop-boop-beep-boop-boop-beep... Ring-ring-ring, ring-ring-ring... Ding-dong-ding! We're sorry, the number you have dialed is not in service. Please hang up and try again. Sorry, I wasn't there. But if you want me to dial the guy I was just yesterday, I suppose I could try to give him a call. Just be warned, he's a bit of a grouchy pants."

"That's quite enough, Kaito." Retsu stopped him before he could continue on and give her an even bigger headache. "Instead of focusing on yesterday, why don't we just focus on how you want to go about today."

"Okiee-dokey!" Said Kaito cheerily. "Well, first I wanna shovel up some of the yummy, teeth-rotting goodies from the snack cart. Then I think I might like to take a nap, followed by a tomfoolery shoot out at high noon, partner. Ha ha ha! Western jokes! Then I think I might like to make fun of the help again. Hooray for minimum wage, no hazard pay, and shovel after shovel of both verbal and physical abuse from other divisions! Even though this is a hospital and it's filled with contagious sick people, nobody cares about your living conditions, you stupid healers! Not to mention that their captain, that's you in case you've forgotten after all my verbal assaults, is so incompetent that you can't even deal with one crazy patient without loosing your mind. And also, there's the raging 11th Division members that come swarming in here like locusts after their little quarrels. It's a wonder that people still join this division filled to the brim with glorified janitors! Then, if you can get any video games in here, I'll play them like crazy, rage at the machine like a Let's Player, and overall annoy the crap out of my neighbors."

"Please, just slow down for a second." Requested a panicked Retsu. _'I didn't catch most of that, but a lot of it sounded insulting in some way or another.'_ She sighed internally.

"OOOOkaaaaay." Said Kaito slowly. "IIIIIssss thiiiisss sssllllooowww enouuuugh?"

"Please stop making a mockery of everything." Sighed Retsu as she pinched the bridge of her nose.

"I can't help it. I'm a mocker. It's what I do. You can even call me Mr. Mockingbird if you really want to, Ms. S&M."

That, Retsu heard quite clearly. "What was that you called me?" She asked with her dangerous tone and scary face.

"I called you Ms. S&M." He repeated quite happily, again paying no heed to her anger that most other people would. "Why else would you land me in here, keep coming back for more abuse, and have a rape face like that if you weren't into S&M? Let me ask you, how does it feel to get off on pain?"

"Enough." Retsu demanded sternly. "I came in here today to confront my past, and move forward to the future. If all you're going to talk about is insanity and sex, then I'll just come back once a saner part of you is present."

"Sex? Sex? Who said anything about sex? I didn't, I was just talking about S&M, which doesn't necessarily have to involve sex, just pain." As he said this, Retsu began to leave. "Aw man. All this talk about sex and S&M is getting me really horny. Hey, Sexy Lady! You mind if I plow you?"

Retsu stopped abruptly when she heard that last remark. "What. Did. You. Say?" She had better not have heard what she thought she heard.

"I SAID DO YOU WANNA HAVE SEX?" He asked loudly so that she, and no doubt everyone within at least a 50 meter radius, could hear him this time. "Did you hear me that time?"

Retsu didn't move. She just stood there, her hand clenching the door handle so hard her knuckles turned white. When she finally spoke, her voice was clearly straining to stay even. "What in all of existence... Would give you the idea... That I would want to have sex with you?"

"You're a virgin!" Said Kaito excitedly. "We already established that much yesterday, and I'm the patient who you landed in this bed without any rhyme or reason, I've been tormenting you for the past two days, and I'm pretty sure I'm doing the same today, but I'm not really sure because of the whole 'insanity' thing. It's perfect chemistry at work! Don't you read any manga? That's flawless Josei manga logic at work, right there! Not that I read that kind of stuff! Because I don't! Okay, yeah I do. And you're of Josei age yourself! Now shut up and have sex with me, because nobody else is gonna wanna do it with you at your age."

Retsu was furious. No, even that wasn't enough to describe her feelings right now. Right now, she wanted nothing more than to give into the violent impulses she had right now and kill Kaito. But she knew that if she did that, she'd lose a great deal. Her position. Her job. Her freedom. Her Zanpakuto. And quite possibly even her life. So she mustered all the self-control she had, walked out, and promptly broke the door with the force she put into closing it.

* * *

><p>How do you like that? Pretty random, but I think that it's pretty nicely done.<p>

"One more thing!" Please review. Why do you think I do this stuff in the first place? It's so I can hear words, be they good or bad, from my adoring fans.


	6. Chapter 6

Here comes more stuff. I really have nothing else to say.

* * *

><p>Life was hard. Retsu really didn't have any other way to put it right now. Over the past three or so days, she's gone from being here usual calm, polite, friendly, and overall perfectly motherly self, to: Reaching her breaking point at least once a day. Critically injuring a completely innocent young man. Being mentally dragged around like an unwanted garbage bag by said innocent young man. Becoming the center of several less than savory rumors spread by her own division. And overall, she was beginning to lose her sanity, not unlike how she had cost the innocent young man his own sanity.<p>

It was through her own actions, failures, and tragedies, some more or less recent than others, that she found herself where she was today.

* * *

><p><strong>First Division - Yamamoto's Office<strong>

Retsu wasn't very surprised when she had been called into Yamamoto's office not long after her time with Kaito this morning. She knew that someone would take notice of her extremely odd behavior as of late and tell him about it. Personally, she suspected her lieutenant, Isane. She was one of the few people who really saw her for the person she was, instead of seeing her for her position or power.

"I take it that you are already aware of why I've called you in here, Unohana-taicho?" Began Yamamoto gruffly, cutting Retsu out of her thoughts. He knew that she was easily smart enough to figure it out herself.

"If you are referring to the stress I've been feeling as of late, then yes, I am aware." Retsu replied calmly, her earlier rage at Kaito taking a backseat to the present conversation.

Yamamoto was silent for a moment, before continuing on. "I find it very odd, that you of all people would fall into such a state. The way your lieutenant described it, you were scarcely aware of anything the last time she saw you, and were in fact, very weak emotionally."

"Yes," Nodded Retsu. "Minazuki called me into my inner world just this morning to discuss this matter with me herself."

"I see." Yamamoto nodded solemnly, taking a few seconds to think. "The fact that even your own Zanpakuto, who you yourself have admitted is a very quiet individual, has taken notice of this and moved to do something about it, is in itself, very concerning. What exactly did she say, if you don't mind my asking?"

Retsu took her time to review what Minazuki had said to her. She wanted to make sure that she could follow through on her word to her about confronting Kaito and her past, which would be much easier to do if the Captain-Commander didn't have any objections to it. "She said that the damage I did to Kaito is far more than just physical, and what I've seen from him confirms this."

Yamamoto quirked a curious eyebrow. "You mean to say that the injuries Kaito sustained affected him mentally as well? In what way exactly?" He needed to know how bad it was, and if it would impede him as a Shinigami in any way. It simply wouldn't do for the first Shinigami from the still experimental Karakura Village to be forced from active service before he even began. Just think of the bad example it would set for the rest of the young ones to come, if they even came at all instead of just fleeing the village once they got wind of it.

"It would seem that, when I attacked him, both his, and his Zanpakuto's personalities split into several parts." Retsu explained. "Into how many exactly, I'm not certain. But I've confirmed three different faces from Kaito so far, and at least two of them justifiably hate me."

Now Yamamoto was thoroughly interested. Not in an uncaring way, but more along the lines of a confused way. "You say you only know that two of them hate you for certain, and that this has affected his Zanpakuto as well?" He questioned. "Would you care to elaborate on the subjects?"

"I'll try my best." Said Retsu uncertainly, which was very strange of her. "The first one I encountered, was a very cold and intellectual individual. His deduction abilities while using this face are so great, that he was even able to piece together a great deal of my past. Information which he used to hurt me as best it could, by slowly opening up far too many old wounds."

_'That would explain a great deal. The past always has been a sore topic for Unohana-taicho.'_ Yamamoto realized. He knew very well of what a tragic background she came from. He had trained a few of her siblings himself after all, and had at one point even considered her father for the position of his lieutenant, but he perished before he could be appointed.

"Then there's the second one, who's as vulgar and hotheaded as they come." She continued. "He used the knowledge he gained in the previous day, as well as his very... colorful vocabulary and lack of any respect to verbally tear my wounds even further open. The end result of which was a very vocal outburst on my part, and the condition that Isane spoke of."

_'This is very unusual. Unohana-taicho is normally able to deal with such people easily through intimidation. There is clearly something very bizarre afoot here.'_ Wondered Yamamoto, but set such thoughts aside for later. "It is clear to see that these two hate you. What of the third one? Why is his opinion of you so difficult for you to discern?" Now Retsu looked very nervous, at least by her standards. It was clear to Yamamoto that she truly didn't want to talk about this any further. Though why she didn't, even he couldn't fathom. If she wasn't sure if the third face hated her, what could make her encounter with him so terrible?

Coughing into her hand, Retsu began. "Well, the reason for this is because he seems to be completely random in his words and manner in the most recent face I've seen from him. The only really consistent thing about this third face is that he apparently strives to be funny."

Now Yamamoto was even more confused than before. "I noticed that you displayed some reluctance in speaking to me about the third face. From what you've said, he doesn't seem so bad as to ignite such a response out of you. Would you care to speak of exactly what you left out of your explanation?"

Retsu sighed. Of course he'd have to pick up on that. Well, there was nothing to do except get it over with. "You are correct about my leaving some facts out, Yamamoto-sotaicho. The reason I did so is because he made remarks about my age and," She coughed into her hand a few more times. "Made what I could only see as... Uncensored advances towards me."

Yamamoto was stunned, confused, and understanding all at once. He knew that age was a sensitive subject to Unohana-taicho, as it was to most women in her age group, which, on its own, would easily explain her hesitance. But to hear that this random Kaito was also making passes at her, most likely rather vulgar ones at that, was confusing, shocking, and disturbing on so many levels.

Coughing loudly, and somewhat nervously into his hand, Yamamoto continued. "Well, regardless, this is quite a situation. But there is one thing still confuses me."

"And what exactly might that be?" Wondered Retsu.

"You said that the personality of his Zanpakuto also split into several parts." Yamamoto repeated. "Exactly how is it that you came to obtain this information, if even Kaito himself is still unable to converse with his Zanpakuto?"

"That's a bit harder to explain," Began Retsu. "Mostly because neither I, nor Minazuki fully understand it ourselves. During Kaito's second day in the hospital, when his hotheaded personality was out, my mind was so stressed, that Minazuki was forced to take refuge in another inner world."

"I see." Said Yamamoto solemnly as he quirked an eyebrow. "And am I to understand that your Zanpakuto took refuge in Kaito's inner world?"

"That is what happened, Yamamoto-sotaicho." Retsu nodded.

Yamamoto was silent for a few minutes, before speaking again. "I find at least that part of your explanation highly unlikely. Were your inner would truly in such a desperate state as to require your own Zanpakuto to take refuge elsewhere, I find it doubtful that Kaito's Zanpakuto would offer it after what you put it through, or that she couldn't find sanctuary in another nearby inner world. Your division holds you in the highest regard, after all."

"You present a fair point there," Consented Retsu. "However, many nearby Zanpakuto were either too afraid of letting in the disaster in my own inner world, or just afraid of letting my own Zanpakuto in, given the reputation I hold. We suspect the main reason Kaito's Zanpakuto allowed Minazuki in, was due to some form of majority vote, though some personalities likely had ulterior motives to allow her in."

Yamamoto simply nodded in acknowledgment, though internally, his mind was processing this information with a grim outlook. If Kaito was knowledgeable enough to deduce Unohana-taicho's past after knowing her for such a short time, and use that information to happily drive her, one of the most wise, even tempered, and patient Shinigami in all of Seireitei, to a state of near madness, things looked very dire. Preventing another incident like Aizen from spiraling out of control, the very thing Central 46 had in mind when they created Karakura Village, may well be what brought such a situation about instead. "If what you say is true, then I'm afraid that I may have to have Kaito Kurosaki placed under lock and key in the Nest of Maggots."

"You can't do that!" Retsu reacted immediately.

Yamamoto quirked an eyebrow at her highly unusual outburst. "And why exactly not?"

This was it. Retsu knew that her next words would land her in seriously hot water with Yamamoto, and like the flames of his Zanpakuto, the heat would be nearly unbearable. But this had to be done. Kaito was where he was because of her own mistakes, and she'd sooner allow herself to be sent to Hell than let someone completely innocent suffer because of her mistakes again.

"Because my abilities as a Shinigami depend on recovery. Of both me, and Kaito."

Yamamoto's gaze grew sharp. "What exactly do you mean by that, Unohana-taicho?"

"It's very simple, Yamamoto-sotaicho," She began confidently. "During my conversation with Minazuki this morning, she presented me with an ultimatum. Either I confront both my past, and Kaito, or I abandon confronting either of them forever. I chose to confront them both."

Yamamoto's gaze and Reiatsu both bore down on her, judging her words and her decision carefully. Retsu didn't even flinch under his stare. She was one of the handful of people in all of Seireitei capable of such a feat. "And am I to understand that if you go back on your decision, then your Zanpakuto will cease all connections with you?"

"That is the price of backing down from my choice." Retsu confirmed.

After several tense seconds of silence, Yamamoto spoke again. "In all your years of service in the Gotei 13, there are only two times when you tried to abuse your rank in such a way, or at all for that matter. The first time led to grave consequences for the entire Gotei 13. The second is now. What guarantee do I have that this will not result in a repeat of your previous abuse of your position as the second most senior captain?"

"You have none, sir." She admitted. "But if I don't continue on the path I've chosen, then the Gotei 13 will no doubt lose its second most senior captain."

Yamamoto took a few more moments to contemplate this thinly veiled threat. While it's true that it wasn't so much a threat as a simple fact, it still stood that he was backed into a corner on this decision. Either lose a captain now, and prevent a risk that might not even come to pass, or keep a captain, and risk a possible threat. "Very well, Unohana-taicho. You can have it your way. But if this backfires, you know the consequences."

"Thank you, Captain-commander." She bowed.

"You will also be required to send updates on the situation to me on a daily basis," He continued. "And you are not to see him without your lieutenant present, as a means of keeping things from falling out of hand. We are not taking any chances we are not required to with this. Am I understood?"

"Acknowledged, sir." She bowed again. "Will there be anything else?"

The old man hummed for a bit as he stroked his beard in thought. "There is just one other thing on my mind about this situation that I find rather baffling." He began. "Why is it, in all your time with him, that you never resorted to your usual method of dealing with individuals of his character?"

"It's not for lack of trying, sir." Admitted Retsu. "My usual methods don't seem to affect him in any way."

Yamamoto's eyes widened in shock, and perhaps some degree of amusement. It was then, that he began to chuckle!

"Is there something wrong, sir?" Questioned Retsu worriedly. It was strange for him to be strict one minute, then amused the next.

Coughing into his hand, Yamamoto simply shook his head. "There is nothing wrong, Unohana-taicho. In fact, your response just now has set most of my fears at ease. You are dismissed."

"Thank you sir." She said with a small hint of confusion as she went to leave. But she turned back for a second, just as she was almost out the door. "Oh, and sir. I would very much prefer it if you not refer to me as the second most senior captain ever again." She said with her scary tone and face before leaving completely.

Yamamoto sighed. _'I certainly do not envy the trials young Kaito will have to face in the future. No matter what the rewards.' _He put such thoughts aside as he got back to work.

* * *

><p><strong>Fourth Division - The Next Day<strong>

"Are you sure about this Captain?" Asked Isane. "I'm sure Kaito's going to be just as dangerous to you as ever, no matter what personality of his is in charge."

"I'm quite certain about this, Isane." Retsu said reassuringly. "Besides, if I don't do this, you know what will happen."

"I know." Relented Isane grudgingly. "But I just can't understand why your own Zanpakuto would want you to do something so damaging to yourself."

"I'm sure that she has her reasons." Reassured Retsu. "And if she wasn't sure I could handle this, she wouldn't have presented me with this ultimatum in the first place. Well, here we are." She said as they arrived outside Kaito's room.

_"You may enter."_ Came Kaito's voice from inside the room.

"How did he?" Gasped Isane.

_"I have phenomenal hearing, remember?"_ Asked Kaito sarcastically. _"I've been listening to you two since 'I'm sure that she has her reasons' whoever she may be. Just enter already so we can get today's debacle over with already."_

Retsu and Isane shared a confused look. "He seems a bit... different today." Said a bewildered Isane.

_"That seems to have become the norm for me as of late,"_ Rebuked Kaito. _"Now please, enter."_

Daring to venture into the proverbial lion's den, Retsu entered, with Isane following shortly after. Inside, was a rather bored looking Kaito with an old issue of Seireitei Communications in hand._ "Good to see you two still have the courage to go where most would fear to tread."_ He said without looking up from his book._ "I can only assume that you're here for my daily examination?"_

"There's a bit more to it than just that." Began Retsu. "But before we get started on that, to whom do I have to pleasure of addressing today?"

Kaito looked up from his reading and gave Retsu a curious look. _"If by that you mean 'Which facet of your being am I addressing?' then I quite honestly don't know myself. I was hoping that you would have some answers for me."_

"You seem much more polite than usual today." Observed Retsu, trying to make small talk. "Is there any particular reason for this?"

_"I ask that you skip the pleasantries."_ Remarked Kaito snidely. _"I am in no mood for games at present. But to answer your question, I have many questions of my own, and I was hoping for some civil answers. And as the old saying goes 'You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar'."_

"Very well." Accepted Retsu as she took a seat. "If there's any way I can help you, feel free to ask."

Kaito quirked a long eyebrow at Retsu's behavior, obviously expecting something different based on their previous interactions, but eventually relented._ "Your actions against me, if I can recall through the head trauma, are what caused my to come to my current state of affairs. Do you deny this?"_

"Not at all." Said Retsu regretfully. "Because of what I did to you, with no reason, you've been forced into hospitalization. There's also the damage I've caused your mind and Zanpakuto as well."

Brushing his goatee and mustache in thought, Kaito thought this information over._ "The damage to my mind, I'm aware of to some extent. I've been acting differently on a daily basis, and cannot fully comprehend why. But as for the damage to my Zanpakuto, I can't help but wonder as to how you came to obtain this information. Perhaps you can enlighten me on the subject?"_

As Retsu did her best to explain all that she knew, both Kaito and Isane listened on in attention.

_"You do of course realize," _Began Kaito after Retsu was finished._ "That due to your actions, I, and quite possibly my Zanpakuto as well, are now essentially a pair of mental cases, in layman's terms. So I ask you, exactly how do you plan to set things right?"_

"However I can." Answered Retsu, hints of determination noticeable in her tone. "I don't know how, or even if your condition is reversible. So all I can do is to try all I can to make your life easier."

Kaito observed her studiously for several seconds, searching for something. Though what it was, Retsu was unaware._ "As far as I can see, the damage is done. The best solution either of us could likely come up with is some way to sort the different sides of my personality into line, and allow me to switch between them at will. It's very cumbersome to my thought process to change my values and ideals on a daily basis. The me from yesterday, and the me from today are having such conflicting ideas on a certain subject, that it's very difficult for me to function properly."_

Now Retsu grew worried. "Do you mean to say that your other personalities are conflicting directly?"

_"Not really."_ Denied Kaito. _"What is the best way to put this?"_ He paused to contemplate his next words._ "Yesterday, I recieved some rather baffling information from Yamamoto, and I processed it in a way befitting my personality yesterday. Today, I can recall the, admittedly random conversation I had with him, as well as my standpoint on the subject, causing me to develop an entirely new standpoint on both subjects. In other words, instead of just having two view points on the subject as you may expect, I have to deal with three. It's quite like a debate in nature."_

Now Retsu was rather curious. "Exactly what was it that the Captain-commander wished to speak with you about?" If it was some manner of threat to make sure he stays in line during his interactions with her, she'd have to have another discussion with him. This was a mess she had to clean up on her own, after all.

_"I'm... not fully at liberty to discuss it at this juncture."_ Kaito said hesitantly. _"What I will tell you, is that it's given me a great deal to think about, and that I need to contemplate the subject further before I do anything I may come to regret in the future."_

Retsu narrowed her eyes in suspicion. "If he's threatening you in any way-"

_"He's doing no such thing."_ Denied Kaito calmly._ "He said that he owed it to my father to treat me fairly, and I told him to 'Go suck on a cactus, tinkle on a fire hydrant, take two pills, and don't call me in the morning.' which is rather strange, because I usually reserve that insult for the Komamuras whenever one of them wears on my nerves."_ Retsu just stared at him oddly. _"Don't look at me like that. You saw what I was like yesterday. I used to always have traces of such behavior, and you know how I feel about being compared to family."_

Looking on at the two of them as she handled Kaito's medical care, Isane couldn't help but wonder exactly what Yamamoto-sotaicho had said to Kaito that would make him act so much more civil towards her captain. While she was very grateful that he wasn't going out of his way to torment her anymore, she found if baffling that someone who had, until just recently, hated someone with such a passion as Kaito hated Retsu, would have such an about face in attitude.

There was the possibility that this was an entirely new face of Kaito's that came about as a result of her captain's actions, but the way he talked was too much like the Kaito she had seen on his first day in recovery for that to be likely. There was just something about his voice that seemed... unique to the personality she had seen on his first day here. So that only left what Yamamoto-sotaicho had said to him, whatever it was.

"I'm really confused." Isane whispered to Retsu. "What could Yamamoto-sotaicho have said to Kaito to make him act so differently?"

_"You are aware, of course, that I can hear your whispers quite clearly, correct?"_ Intervened Kaito, prompting Isane to go into a fit of jitters._ "I stand by what I said earlier. Until I have processed this information properly, I will discuss this matter no further. Do I make myself clear?"_ He asked authoritatively.

"O-Of course, Kurosaki-san." Stuttered Isane, fearful of how he may prey on her weaknesses and insecurities if she upset him further.

"I understand perfectly, Kaito." Nodded Retsu politely. "There are some things that people would rather keep to themselves, after all."

_"Ah, yes, about that..." _Began Kaito. _"It's come to my attention that you seemed to have suffered enough for your transgressions against me. Especially so given that Yamamoto himself spoke to me of the issue, and before you ask, there was much more to the conversation than just that. It's just that he went so far as to bribe me not to speak of the secrets I'm keeping from you, so I don't want to ruin what I've got going for me. But at any rate, I'm relenting my verbal assault of you, though I can't say the same for the other facets of my now shattered personality."_

"That's very kind of you to say." Thanked Retsu, glad that at least some of the damage between them was repaired.

_"That having been said, I at least want to give you some form of reassurance that such an assault is unlikely to bother you again in the future from one or more of my counterparts."_ Remarked Kaito. _"So I shall admit right here, that my deduction skills were greatly exaggerated, and that I did not, in fact, piece together your entire life story in a matter of hours."_

"But you used her past to completely devastate her!" Exploded Isane. "There's no way you could have known about any of that unless you figured it out yourself! She never told you! She never told anyone! Not even me!" Stopping her rant for a second, she realized how insulting that sounded. "I-I mean, I know you had your reasons for not telling me. You have a right to your privacy, after all!" She said frantically.

_"Your panicked behavior, while quite amusing, is in no way aiding this conversation."_ Pointed out Kaito._ "At any rate, there is a reason that I knew of your past before I even met you."_ He said as he started chuckling.

"May I ask what's so funny?" Questioned Retsu, curious as to how someone could find out so much about her before even meeting her, when she kept most information regarding her past secret from almost everyone.

Coughing into his hand to stifle his chuckles, Kaito continued._ "It's actually a rather funny story. You see, one day a few years ago, Mrs. Hitsugaya, the drinking one that is, got rather wasted and somehow decided that it would be a good idea to steal some diaries from, and I quote, 'Uno-chan, who I know got some big, dirty secret I wanna know 'bout.' Needless to say, she got her hands on your life's story, curiosity got the best of my friends and I who heard her talking about it, and the rest, as they say, is history."_

When he was finished, Retsu had 'that look' on her face, and Isane was silently praying for the safety of her fellow lieutenant. "Is that so?" Said Retsu in 'that' voice. "Isane?"

"Y-Y-Yes? Unohana-taicho?" Isane stuttered.

"Didn't we have some business at the 10th Division today?" Retsu 'asked'.

"Y-Y-Yes, I think we did." Isane conveniently 'remembered'.

"Well Kaito, I'm afraid that we'll have to cut our examination short for today. We'll see you tomorrow." She said as she moved to leave. "And you really shouldn't read other people's diaries. It's just not proper."

_"You know whatever intimidation methods you use won't work on me, Retsu."_ Reminded Kaito._ "And you really shouldn't be too hard on someone for something they did as a mere child. It's just not proper."_ He said in an eerie, semi-echo of Retsu.

Now Isane was twice as scared. She really didn't know who to fear more. Her captain, or Kaito. It was a real tossup as to who was the more intimidating one. She decided to ere on the of caution and go with her captain as she left.

* * *

><p><strong>Tenth Division - The Hitsugayas Office<strong>

It was a typical day at the 10th Division. Toshiro was working diligently, Rangiku was slacking off, Tier was picking up the slack, Franceska and Emilou were arguing about something or other, while Cyan was just making it worse. But that all changed when the captain and lieutenant of the 4th Division entered.

"Unohana-taicho." Greeted co-lieutenant of the 10th Division and former 3rd Espada Tier Harribel Hitsugaya. "Is there something we can help you with?"

"As a matter of fact, there is." Retsu began politely. "Hitsugaya-taicho. May I borrow Mrs. Hitsugaya for a moment?"

"Which one?" Asked Rangiku Matsumoto Hitsugaya as she gestured between herself and Tier, Emilou, Franceska, and Cyan. "There's six Mrs. Hitsugayas, and one of us is Ichigo's lieutenant over at the 5th Division."

"I was referring to you, Rangiku-san." Retsu said with 'that' look. "May I speak with you in private for a moment?"

Toshiro quirked an eyebrow at a very nervous Rangiku. "What exactly did she do this time?" He asked Retsu tiredly.

"Probably did something stupid when she was drunk." Scoffed co-3rd seat Emilou Apacci Hitsugaya.

"For once, I completely agree with you." Nodded co-3rd seat Franceska Mila Rose Hitsugaya.

"Something to do with my diaries." Said Retsu simply.

Rangiku's eyes widened in recollection of the event she knew Retsu was talking about. "You can't prove I did anything!" She denied immediately. She had placed them back right after she had sobered up, after all.

"Actually, I can." Said Retsu in 'that' voice. "A certain eyewitness has informed me of it."

_'Damn!'_ Cursed Rangiku internally. _'I hadn't counted on anyone finding out about it! Oh well, time for a desperation move.'_ Putting on the cutest pout she could muster, she quickly waltzed over to her husband's desk, leaned forward, and emphasized her already huge chest by folding her arms under it. "Toshiro. Hubby. Do you think you could help me out here? I'll give you your favorite one woman special service tonight if you do." She cooed.

Toshiro blushed furiously at his wife's words. She knew better than to talk about stuff like that in front others. Okay, so she actually didn't know any better, but a guy can still dream, can't he.

_'Damn you puberty!'_ Shouted Toshiro mentally as his hormones started raging at his wife's display.

Noticing that Unohana-taicho, her lieutenant, and even his four other wives currently in the room were chuckling at his predicament, he decided to put and end to it. "Sorry, Rangiku. But you should know better than to read another person's diary."

"I didn't read it! I just stole it! Eep!" She covered her mouth as she realized too late that she had just confessed to the crime.

"Stealing diaries Rangiku? Really?" Questioned co-3rd seat Cyan Sung-Sun Hitsugaya.

"You can take her, Unohana-taicho." Smirked Toshiro. "Just make sure she's still able to work after you get done with her. This paperwork won't do itself, after all."

"Of course, Hitsugaya-taicho." Nodded Retsu thankfully as she grabbed Rangiku by her wrist and escorted her out the door.

"Please, Toshiro! Help your beautiful and loving wife!" Pleaded Rangiku. "If you don't help me, no sex for a week! For a month! I'll divorce you!"

Toshiro just shook his head as Unohana-taicho finished towing her out of the office. Rangiku had always used threats like that when she didn't get her way. So far, she had yet to ever follow through on her threats of divorce, and she could never muster up enough self-control to go without sex for more than six days. The reason being was not that she was a slut in any way, but because he had just gotten to be that good over the years. He supposed that having six wives would do that to a guy.

"You're evil, Toshiro." Tier shook her head.

"And you're an Arrancar," Rebuked Toshiro. "But I'm not judging you for that."

"You know you're not getting any from her for the next few days." Emilou added.

"Then it's a good thing that I still have you four and Momo." He smirked.

"How long do you think she'll be able to go without sex this time?" Wondered Franceska.

"Her night with Toshiro was just last night, and given that it's Unohana-taicho delivering the punishment, I'd say she'll only be able to last three days before hoping for a morning shift." Reasoned Cyan.

"That reminds me," Said Tier seductively as she wrapped her arms around her husband. "Isn't it my turn tonight?"

"It is indeed." Smirked Toshiro. "But for now, we have work to do. As I said before, this paperwork won't do itself."

* * *

><p>How do you like that? I'm having a ton of fun with this stuff, and there's no sign of stopping just yet! Where will my madness end? Hopefully no time soon! Tune in next time!<p>

"One more thing!" If you're wondering how Toshiro of all people became a playboy, then you clearly haven't read my other stuff, or at least my pairing preferences posted on my profile.

"One more thing!" If you're curious as to Toshiro's exact sex schedule with his wives (you know who you are) it cycles weekly from Momo, to Rangiku, to Tier, to Emilou, to Franceska, to Cyan, to all of them in the same night, and morning shift is basically all six of them rolling dice, highest number wins and gets to take care of his morning 'needs', draws result in a do-over. Yeah, Toshiro's become one of **those** kinds of people over the past several years, but can you blame him?


	7. Chapter 7

... What do you want from me? I'm cranking this stuff out like mad. You may not think I am because I'm only posting this stuff once a week, but I've finished the first six chapters of this stuff in less than two weeks. That's a lot by my standards.

"One more thing!" I occurred to me that I've probably been making Kaito a bit too good at what he does, so I'm making this chapter to correct that to the best of my abilities.

* * *

><p><strong>Kaito's Room<strong>

Kaito sat in his bed, contemplating days gone by. It was rather hard for him to do so, though. Simply because each day he changed to a different personality with conflicting ideas. On the one had, he had the personality he had right now, as well as three days ago. Cold, intelligent, ambivalent, and an overall _Icy_ person. Then there was the personality he had two days ago. Fiery, short-tempered, passionate, and an overall **Hothead**. Then there was the personality he had just yesterday. Weird, a joker, somewhat lecherous, and just plain Random.

_"What to do?"_ He wondered aloud as he recalled some conversations he's had in the previous days.

* * *

><p><strong>Day 1 - <strong>_Icy_

Kaito lay in his bed, contemplating what would be his next move against the wench known as Retsu. What he remembered from reading her diary would make for good ammunition, but it would be his delivery that would really attain him victory. Just as he was about to put the finishing touches on something that had the potential to scar her for life, there was a knock at the door.

Quirking his eyebrow at the sudden intrusion upon his contemplation, Kaito decided to be civil at least until he knew who it was. _"You may enter."_ When the door opened, Kaito was pleasantly surprised to see one of his favorite people enter, even though said person was also the father of his little sister's best friend. _"Good to see you Mr. Cifer. What brings you here?"_

Ulquiorra silently observed Kaito's wounds, taking in the severity of his sorry state. "Orihime insisted that I come check up on you once she got wind of your injuries. She often worries about you young ones."

_"Indeed she does," _Agreed Kaito. _"But if she was really worried, then she'd get a proper cookbook and stop serving things that could easily register on a Geiger Counter."_

"That only happened once." Defended Ulquiorra.

_"As far as any of us knows."_ Smirked Kaito.

Ulquiorra stared at Kaito curiously, as if searching for something. "I would prefer not to discuss my wife's cooking methods with you."

_"Believe me, the feeling is mutual."_ Said Kaito with a hint of amusement.

Again Ulquiorra looked at Kaito curiously. There was something different about him, yet at the same time familiar. "You seem to have bitten off more than you could chew. Unohana-taicho is one of the most powerful Shinigami in Seireitei."

_"So I've been told."_ Remarked Kaito nonchalantly.

"You're lucky she left you alive." Ulquiorra remarked. _'What is it about him that seems so familiar?'_

_"Yes, I suppose I am lucky,"_ Said Kaito coldly. _"Retsu, not so much. Because of her own hesitance in ending it, now she'll suffer at my hands."_ He paused to chuckle darkly._ "I'll let you in on a little secret Mr. Cifer. Already the seeds of terror and insecurity have been planted deep within her heart. Now all that's left to do is cultivate them until they reach maturity, and tear her mind to ribbons."_

Ulquiorra's eyes widened in what could only be described as shock. _'Now I know what's so familiar about him. I have to put a stop to this before it's too late.' _"Kaito," He began sternly. "I suggest that you step away from the path that you see before you." Kaito just tilted his head slightly in mild interest. "I can tell you right now. If you continue to seek the ambitions you desire, it will only lead to your own undoing." Opting to take his leave before more painful memories were dredged up, he silently excused himself.

_"Perhaps you speak from your own experience, Mr. Cifer?"_ Came Kaito's voice just as he was almost out the door.

Not wishing to speak with Kaito any further, Ulquiorra shut the door behind him.

_'I hope I'm just imagining things.' _Thought Ulquiorra as he walked down the halls at his usual unhurried pace so as not to draw suspicion. _'Kaito's always been such a good kid, but something about him changed after that attack. I hope nothing comes of it, but right now, Kaito sounded just like Aizen.'_

* * *

><p><strong>Day 2 - Hothead<strong>

Kaito lay in his bed, thinking about what would be his next rant against that bitch Retsu. What he remembered from reading her diary would make for good ammunition, but it would be how loud and insulting he was that would really piss her off. Just as he was almost satisfied with his evil plot, there was a knock at the door.

Quirking his eyebrow at the sudden interruption, Kaito decided to try to be nice, as least until he knew who it was. **"Come in."** When the door opened, Kaito chuckled at who it was. **"Well, well. If it isn't Baldy and the Gay. What's up?"**

"I'm not bald!" Exploded Ikkaku. "How many times do I have to tell you and your stupid family tree? I'm Ikkaku Madarame, and I'm shaven!"

Yumichika huffed. "Why is it that the children of the next generation always call me gay? I just have my own sense of style! Though it's good to see you again, Kaito."

**"Have we met?"** Asked Kaito bluntly, prompting them both to face fault. **"I know you two spoke at my school a few times and bug my parents from time to time, but I usually slept through that stuff."**

Hearing that got Ikkaku got angry. "You slept through my lectures! You little punk! I worked really hard on those things! I'll have you know that the entire 11th Division praised me for how good they were!"

"Please ignore Ikkaku for now," Yumichika intervened. "I believe that proper introductions are in order. My name is Yumichika Ayasegawa, and as my associate here has already informed you, he is Ikkaku Madarame. Though your parents have probably already told you all about us." He said somewhat vainly.

**"Never mentioned either of you."** Deadpanned Kaito, prompting them both to face fault again. **"What are you two doing here anyway?"**

"Damn that Ichigo." Grumbled Ikkaku. "Not even mentioning me to his kids, the little bastard."

**"Did he say that you two were from the 11th Division?"** Asked Kaito.

"Yes he did." Replied Yumichika, trying to keep his voice even. "Perhaps you remember us now?"

**"My parents said to stay away from the 11th Division."** Remarked Kaito as he casually picked his nose. **"They said they're just a bunch of wild animals."**

"Don't just pick your nose when you're talking to someone!" Exploded Ikkaku as his friend held him back. "Damn it, Yumichika! Lemme go! I'm gonna pulverize this guy!"

"Calm down, Ikkaku." Strained Yumichika. "He's already seriously injured, there's no need to make things worse."

**"Ah ha ha ha ha ha! You two should do a comedy routine!"** Laughed Kaito boisterously. **"You'd make a killing as 'Baldy and the Peacock'! How does that sound?"**

"Damn it! I'm not bald! I'm shaven!" Exploded Ikkaku.

"So I've gone from Gay to Peacock?" Muttered Yumichika sarcastically. "Why do I feel as though I just got a promotion?"

While the two 11th Division members were busy dealing with their frustration, Kaito fell asleep.

"Damn it! Now he's mocking us!" Raged Ikkaku. "Nobody falls asleep while I'm angry at them! Damn it, Yumichika. Let. Me. Go!" He demanded as he wormed his way out of Yumichika's grip.

"No Ikkaku!" Shouted Yumichika as he tried to stop him from punching Kaito in the face.

But it turned out to be unnecessary, as Kaito rolled over in his sleep, narrowly avoiding Ikkaku's fist, but it didn't end there. Likely due to the discomfort from rolling onto his injuries, he rolled back over, and his teeth bit down hard into Ikkaku's arm as he he was exhaling, but that still wasn't the end of it. He kept rolling, yanking Ikkaku off balance and causing the side of his head to slam into the guardrail of the bed, knocking him out cold, popping his arm out of Kaito's mouth, and sending him sprawling onto the floor. To say Ikkaku was shocked by the whole event while he was still conscious would be an understatement.

As Yumichika looked on in shock at his unconscious friend and the softly snoring young man who had beaten him in his sleep, he gave out a snort, which quickly turned into full blown laughter. "Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh my god, Ikkaku! You could not have lost in a more appallingly hilarious manner just now! It's just too funny! Ha ha ha ha ha! Wait until everyone back at the 11th Division hears about this!"

After trying and failing to stifle his laughter three times, he finally quieted down and decided to get Ikkaku out of here before he woke up and tried to kill Kaito again. "Farewell, Kaito." Yumichika said to a softly snoring Kaito as he slung Ikkaku over his shoulder. "That was a very beautiful way to win just now. And now that I get a better look at it, your facial hair is quite well groomed. You'll have to tell me how you keep it in such good condition when you wake up."

Kaito let out a sudden snort. **"Monthly sauna... 30 minutes in... 30 minutes in cool water... Repeat..."** He mumbled in his sleep before resuming his soft snoring.

Yumichika looked at Kaito in mild shock. "Hmm. That might actually work. I'll have to try it sometime." He said before taking his leave.

* * *

><p><strong>Day 3 - <strong>Random

Kaito lay in his bed, thinking about all the things you could put on a hot dog to make it taste better. Oh, and trying to figure out how he could get laid with Retsu. After reading her diary, she seemed like a real quiet, soft-spoken, and polite lady with some serious issues, so she's probably a beast in the sack. He could help her get over those issues, and she'd be so grateful, it would be easy to get in her pants! He just had to make sure to take an interest in Retsu as a person as well. People appreciated it when you care about them for more than just sex after all. Just as he was about to come up with the perfect topping mixture for a hot dog, there was a knock at the door.

Both his eyebrows shot up in panic. "Danger! Danger! Get to the bomb shelters! Mount Wrinkle Face is erupting!"

"What on earth are you talking about?" Questioned Yamamoto as he entered.

"The lava is coming! The lava is coming!" Panicked Kaito, completely ignoring Yamamoto's remark. "Shut up Chicken Little! All hands on deck! Batten down the hatches! Women and me first! Save the Ultimate Hot Dogs and Chimichangas!"

Yamamoto's eyebrow twitched slightly in irritation, as he had the strong suspicion that he was being mocked. "Kaito Kurosaki. Calm down for a moment." He ordered gruffly.

"Calm down? Calm down! I'm not gonna calm down as long as the impending doom is on the-" Kaito stopped short as he fell asleep instantly.

Yamamoto sighed in exasperation. While Unohana-taicho had informed him of his rather... Eccentric behavior. He had not imagined that it would be this bad.

"Ultimate Hot Dogs..." Mumbled Kaito in his sleep. "Toppings... Potatoes... Peas... Beans... Cheese... Ketchup..." He said before drifting off into silence again.

In spite of his usual composure, Yamamoto found himself slightly disgusted. _'Is that supposed to be some standard of Western dining?'_ He wondered uneasily. _'Why my lieutenant has such a fascination with Western customs has never been more unknown to me than it is now, but this is not the time for that.'_

"Kaito," Began Yamamoto gruffly. "Your father has informed me of your ability to hear in your sleep, so I'll take this time to inform you of the situation you're in."

"Chimichangas..." Mumbled Kaito.

Sighing, Yamamoto continued. "You have been causing Unohana-taicho a great deal of suffering in retaliation for her actions against you. I am aware that you are largely justified in your actions, but you must cease this mental assault at once."

"Cream cheese... Won tons... Fried in vegetable oil..."

"I'll admit, you are a very unique case, Kaito." Said Yamamoto, deciding to ignore Kaito's bizarre food talk. "I have never before seen anyone who showed no fear of Unohana-taicho. However, I do have an idea as to why she can't intimidate you..."

* * *

><p><strong>After Yamamoto's explanation<strong>

"...And that is why it is wise for you to consider this story, and my offer." Concluded Yamamoto. "Do you understand?"

"Why you do?..." Mumbled Kaito.

"That's a rather long story," Admitted Yamamoto. "But I suppose the bottom line is that I owed this much to your father."

"SHUT-UP!" Exploded Kaito as he suddenly woke up, managing to startle even Yamamoto. "Go suck on a cactus, tinkle on a fire hydrant, take two pills, and don't call me in the morning!" After his explosion, he fell right back to sleep, a confused Yamamoto observing cautiously. "Don't compare..." He mumbled in his sleep.

Yamamoto took several seconds to process what Kaito had just said. "Very well. I can see that you hold disdain for nepotism, so I'll simply say that you could be a very valuable asset to Seireitei, and leave it at that." He amended as he took his leave.

* * *

><p><strong>Back with present Kaito<strong>

_"My previous days of experience have been... Somewhat less than ideal."_ Kaito reminisced uncomfortably as his eyebrow twitched. _"I also must remember to apologize to Uncle Byakuya for calling him gay. I may despise the man, but something as appalling as homosexuality is nothing to joke about. There's a good reason that the government invented AIDS, after all. Now how to handle the situation with Retsu?" _As he wondered this, an unnoticed wall clock struck 12:00 midnight, fell asleep instantly.

* * *

><p><strong>The next day - Retsu's viewpoint<strong>

_'Let Kaito be in a pleasant mood today. Let Kaito be in a pleasant mood today.'_ Retsu chanted nervously in her head. Normally she wouldn't be so frazzled, but Kaito was the first person in hundreds of years that had managed to frighten her, so she was understandably nervous.

Kaito had admitted to finding out about her past through her diaries. Retsu had gotten back at Rangiku for stealing them in the first place by dragging her out of the 10th Division, forcing her to clean all of the 4th Division's equipment, and had Kyoraku-taicho and some of his subordinates raid the entire 10th Division barracks of any alcohol they could find. But Kaito still knew her past, and could still at least attempt to cause her suffering using that information if he was so inclined. Ergo, Retsu was hoping that whatever personality Kaito would have when she went to see him today, he would at least be in a pleasant mood.

"Are you sure about this Captain?" Asked Isane as they approached Kaito's room.

"After everything I've been through over the past few days, I'm not certain of anything anymore," Admitted Retsu. "But as I've said before, I have to face the demons of my past sooner or later, and I'm not going to put it off any longer than I have to anymore." She decided as she opened the door to the lions den.

**"What are you doing here!"** Exploded Kaito as he threw a book at Retsu, who easily dodged it. Apparently his arm had healed enough for him to use it as long as he didn't strain it too much.

"I'm here to oversee your treatment, just as I've done for the past four days." Said Retsu. _'And hopefully face the past I've been avoiding until now.'_ She added internally.

Growling at her, Kaito turned away in disgust. **"I can't believe I let it slip that I read your diary yesterday. Now what am I supposed to use to torture you with? It's not like it will be very effective if I can't play head games. Even though those things are really lame."**

"Perhaps we could just talk?" Suggested Retsu cordially.

**"You wanna talk? Fine! Let's talk!"** Barked Kaito.** "Let's talk about how a violent screw-up like you is able to keep such a high position in a military! You've beaten the living crap out of me, you scare everyone around you when you're even a little bit offended, and because of you abusing your power, Seireitei had to deal with one of its most dangerous criminals in history! If all that isn't worthy of losing your position, I don't know what the hell is!"**

Retsu winced in pain as Kaito reminded her of that. How was she supposed to know one small mistake would turn so far south? It was bad enough when she thought he only knew about a rough idea of her past, but now that he had admitted to finding out about her from reading her diaries, his options were much more open.

"Captain, what's he talking about?" Asked Isane.

"A great mistake I made many years ago." Admitted Retsu. "And you're a fool for bringing it up like this, Kaito."

**"I'm a fool!"** Exploded Kaito.** "You're the one who's always being wrong here! You're the one who got me injured! You're the one who keeps coming back for more abuse! You're the one who scares the living crap out of anyone who steps out of line even a little! All I'm doing is getting back at you for my injuries! You're the fool! Not me!"**

"I'm the fool?" Parroted Retsu. "I suppose I might be such. I keep trying to treat you with respect because I felt guilty about hurting you, even after you've almost ruined me mentally. I keep coming back, even though you don't deserve any more chances. I do this all because I'm trying my best to be nice to you to make amends. I treat all my patients, and everyone in my division with care and respect. Do you think it's easy for me to be perfect all the time? No, it's very hard. I have the eyes of all of Seireitei on me, and I have to keep up my image, and to do so, I even have to treat you properly, even though it seems to be doing more harm than good."

"Captain..." Uttered Isane nervously.

**"You? Perfect? Ha! That's a laugh!"** Barked Kaito. **"From what I've asked of all the nurses that come in here, there's not much to you. You have next to zero range in terms of emotion. You're basically limited to content, scary, and serious. That's it! You never cut loose, never do something spontaneous, never break from a monotonous routine. You're basically an old fashioned woman, who fits the character roll of brainless housewife to a T, and would probably stay in the kitchen if given the choice! I don't think you could be less emotional if you were a robot! News Flash! This is the 21st Century! You DO have an opinion that matters you know. And nobody's perfect! The sooner you accept that and start living life to the fullest, the better off you'll be!"**

"Please stop..." Said Isane as she held up her clipboard to shield her head.

"That's it?" Asked Retsu. "That's what you have such a big problem with? Because I'm unemotional and dull? I certainly don't think I am. If anything, you're too emotional and hyper. I don't know much of what you were like before, but now you're coldblooded one moment, hotblooded the next, and just plain crazy later on. If anything, you're just an attention hog, with no sense of normalcy. You're the one who thinks he's a cut above everyone else, not me."

By this point, Isane had given up trying to defuse the bomb, and opted to just hide behind a chair.

**"Shut up! Just shut up!" **Roared Kaito.** "Look. I don't think I'm better than anyone else. I've trained to be a Shinigami my whole life, whether I wanted to or not, and now I am where I am. You wanna see someone who thinks that they're a cut above the rest? Just take a look at my dad. He barely trained at all compared to me, and the only experience he got as a fighter before getting his powers was a few years of failures in karate class, and a few years dealing with punks and my insane Grandpa, and yet he made Captain after just a couple of years as a Shinigami. If anything, he's a Mary Sue type freak, not me! I'm just your average lazy prodigy!"**

"I thought you didn't like being compared to you father," Recalled Retsu. "And yet you're comparing yourself to him in shameless defense of your own skills? I'd say that you're just jealous that your father got so much farther than you did in your whole life in just a few years."

Kaito gritted his teeth, as didn't have a response to that. Mostly because she had gotten pretty close to the truth. So he did what anyone with dirt on his opponent would do when at a disadvantage. Cheat.** "Because you used your position to get a pardon for the last sibling you had left because he was a jackass who killed his wife, some blind Captain turned traitor, helped caused major damage to Seireitei, and killed your idiot brother in revenge anyway!"**

Isane turned to her Captain in shock. "C-Captain? Is that true?"

Retsu herself narrowed her eyes at Kaito. "So you finally resort to that? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Yes, I abused my position to save my brother, even though I knew that he didn't deserve it. I did it because he begged me to, and because I didn't want to lose my family anymore, and you're right. It amounted to nothing but more damage for Seireitei, but let me tell you this," She said as she leaned against the railing of Kaito's bed and got in close to his face, in another futile effort to intimidate him. "I've only abused my position twice in my long career. Once to save my brother, and the other time just two days ago to keep you out of prison, so you may want to thank me for that."

Just as Kaito was about to retort to that, uncaring that she had gone to such lengths to fix something that was her own damn fault in the first place, someone suddenly entered the room.

* * *

><p><strong>Outside the room - 2 seconds ago<strong>

Hanataro had been given the usual heavy burden that everyone placed on him again today. This time it was to deliver a few forms to the Captain, lieutenant, all the seated officers between 3rd and 8th seats, mail some packages to other divisions, clean the bathrooms, and various other things. He had all the things he needed for these jobs piled so high in his arms, he couldn't see over them. Overall, it was actually a rather slow day for Hanataro, which was kinda sad, really. He decided to deliver thing to his own division before anything else, and since he knew that his Captain and lieutenant were currently assigned to watch over Kaito Kurosaki during his recovery, he decided to see them first.

That was a big mistake.

As soon as he entered the room, he tripped over his own feet, and everything in his arms came tumbling down.

* * *

><p><strong>Back inside the room - Present<strong>

Retsu noticed the falling items coming towards her. She had heard someone crying out as they fell over. She had heard the door open. But even so, it was too late for her to dodge the box that fell on her head.

The box that knocked her into an accidental kiss with Kaito.

Both Kaito and Retsu were so shocked in disbelief at what happened, that it took them both several seconds to process exactly what had happened. When they did, Retsu quickly pulled away, Kaito went wide-eyed, and both had faint blushes and the same thing on their minds.

_'Why am I getting so flustered over this?'_

"Uh, Captain?" Questioned Isane in stunned confusion. "What just happened?"

"Um, I think I caused this." Said Hanataro nervously. "I'm... Really sorry. Both of you..."

"Hanataro. Isane." Began Retsu darkly, scaring them both into submission. "None of this ever happened. Am I understood?"

"Of-Of course Unohana-taicho." They both said shakily.

**"We're gonna put all this shit behind us." **Growled Kaito.** "You got that?"**

"Of course!" They both panicked, not sure who was more scary.

**"Good. Now out with the both of ya."** Shooed Kaito.

Hanataro and Isane, not needing to be told twice, gathered up all of their things, and got the hell out of there, leaving Kaito and Retsu alone.

Glaring at each other bitterly, traces of red still present on both of their faces, Kaito spoke first. **"Well... That happened."**

"Indeed it did." Confirmed Retsu.

**"... Look... I said some things a few days ago..." **Began Kaito awkwardly.** "And just so you know... I'm probably gonna be pretty annoying about this whole thing tomorrow. I'm beginning to detect a pattern with my changes, and if it follows the flow it's been going through... You may need to get some booze in your system by tomorrow night."**

"I don't drink." Said Retsu immediately.

Kaito grinned deviously, baring his teeth in a mischievous fashion.** "Oh you don't, do you? I'm sure that you'll change your tune once I start talking about how sexy you are, how pretty your hair is, how soothing your voice sounds, how you don't look a day past standard marring age, how much I wanna have a three-way with you and-"**

"Enough!" An even more red-faced Retsu snapped. "I don't want to hear another word of this. I keep coming back to move on from my past, and just as I start coming back for this reason, you decided to add ill-mannered advances to your list of torment. I can hardly believe I'm doing this to myself." After saying this, she quickly took her leave, before Kaito could say anything else.

However, Hanataro and Isane were listening at he door, and fell back into the room when Retsu opened the door. However, she had thankfully anticipated this, and had opened it so as not to have them fall on her. "It's very rude to eavesdrop you two." She intimidated them both.

"S-S-S-Sorry." They whimpered in unison.

Nodding in satisfaction, Retsu was about to take her leave when...

**"I wanna have a three-way with you and Isane!"** Shouted Kaito before he burst out into a boisterous fit of laughter.

Retsu, Isane, and Hanataro, all red-faced took their leave, some faster than others.

Hanataro had simply wanted to deliver a few documents to Unohana-taicho and Isane, but instead, he had caused the mass panic that had just unfolded. He didn't have very high hopes for his career after this, but then again, his hopes for that were never very high in the first place.

Isane had simply wanted to protect Unohana-taicho from Kaito, if and when he caused trouble for her, but instead, her social awkwardness had prevented her from taking any action, and her curiosity had caused her to make things even more awkward for her Captain, not to mention herself as well. For her Captain's sake, she needed to deal with Kaito, somehow, someway, before he caused her any more harm, her conviction was set on this.

Retsu had simply wanted to move on from her past, and put the pain away for good, a goal she was somewhat accomplishing. She could quite honestly say that her painful past was one of the last things on her mind right now. Instead, she was too focused on her present and dealing with the madman that was Kaito Kurosaki, which in her mind was the worse of two evils. He had taunted and provoked her at every turn, and he was very good at it as well, and if nothing else, there was at least one thing he was right about. She was going to need a drink before tomorrow.

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><p>How do you like that? PLEASE REVIEW!<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

Hello again! Time to get this chapter underway! Look forward to some insanity!

"One more thing!" I will be taking a break from this story for at least one week, possibly longer, so just keep that in mind.

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><p><strong>Remote Bar in Seireitei - 10:34 PM<strong>

There were plenty of places to get alcohol in Seireitei, all of which Rangiku would gladly say that she had gone to at least once every single year, but the one she was going to tonight was one of her favorites. It was a simple bar, with simple, worn out letters above the door that read "Old Smoke Bar". She liked it for the simple fact that it was home to some of the best brew, and the most interesting bartender around. And after what Unohana-taicho made her go through yesterday, she could safely say that she deserved it, or at least in her own mind she did. Just as she was approaching the bar however, she noticed the very woman who had made her decided to go to this bar tonight, and decided it would be wise to make a quick getaway.

_'What is she doing here?'_ Rangiku panicked internally. _'Why would Unohana-taicho come to this part of Seireitei? It's known for having a lot of people of pretty bad character. And just as I was about to get some delicious sake in my system.__ Why does she hate me?'_**  
><strong>

Retsu wasn't normally one to go to bars. She could proudly say that she was above any influence and allure alcohol may hold for others, but her reasons for coming to this particular bar were not for drinking. Though she could safely say that at least some alcohol would likely be in her system before the night was done. Steeling herself for what lay beyond these doors, she entered.

It was a simple bar. A counter, a few stools, some booths, nothing major or out of the ordinary, but it usually drew in much business regardless of its unassuming appearance and poor location. Much to her surprise, it was mostly empty tonight. However, that surprise quickly dissipated when she saw who one of the patrons tonight was.

"Hello there Komamura-taicho," Retsu greeted, much to the shock of the petite assassin sitting at the bar. "Would you mind if I joined you?"

"Unohana-taicho?" Questioned Sui-Feng disbelievingly. "What are you doing here?"

"I have business to attend to her tonight." Retsu explained. "Though imagine my surprise to find you here."

Sui-Feng looked rather awkward and confused, she was still reeling from seeing Unohana in a bar of all places. "Well, Rangiku told me about this place a few years ago, and it just suited my tastes so much that I come by whenever..." She trailed off.

Retsu tilted her head slightly in curiosity. "Is there something wrong, Komamura-taicho?"

Sui-Feng sighed. Trust Unohana-taicho to know when something's wrong. "Well... I come here whenever there's something weighing on my mind."

"I see." Nodded Retsu understandingly, being here for the same kind of reason herself. "May I ask what's troubling you so much?"

Sui-Feng looked hesitant at first, wondering whether or not to tell what was on her mind. She must have decided that she could speak freely, because she did so. "It's... about this whole deal with the children." She confessed. "Sajin said something that I just brushed off at first, but now..."

Retsu placed a hand on her shoulder. "Perhaps it would be best if you start at the beginning." She suggested gently.

"You're right," Sighed Sui-Feng. "Sorry, I'm not used to this whole 'Heart-to-Heart' thing, but here goes... When Central 46 first gave that order all those years ago, Sajin and I weren't bothered by it. The Gotei 13 needed more forces, we were in love, the idea of any children of ours working alongside us felt... Natural. But recently, Sajin's been having second thoughts."

"Why would bring about this sudden change?" Asked Retsu. She found it unusual that someone as loyal to the Gotei 13 as Sajin would question an order so much, even if it was an order concerning his own child becoming a soldier. And if he was questioning it, why now, after all this time?

Sui-Feng stared at her as if she was stupid. Retsu could tell all too well what that look was like, having seen it quite a bit these past few days. "You're seriously wondering what brought this on?" She asked, completely deadpan. "You're the one who caused this in the first place."

"Me?" Wondered Retsu. "What did I do?"

"You put Kaito in critical condition, that's what." Sui-Feng answered.

Instantly, Retsu felt as awkward as hell. Yes, in retrospect, she supposed that it should have been obvious that her actions against Kaito were what caused both Komamura-taichos to doubt the orders of Central 46.

"I'm..." Began Retsu hesitantly. "Terribly sorry that I caused you both to think that way."

"Forget about it." Said Sui-Feng before taking a sip of her sake. "It was a misunderstanding. And from what I've heard, Kaito's been making your life hell as payback for his injuries, so I guess you're going through enough as it is."

Retsu blinked in confusion. "How did you know about that?" She questioned.

"You know how people are." Shrugged Sui-Feng. "Whenever they hear or see something interesting, the first thing they wanna do is tell everyone they can about it. I'm guessing that quite a few people in your division found out about how badly you reacted to Kaito's verbal assaults, and then some idiot couldn't keep their mouth shut. From what I've heard, he sent you running, screaming, and possibly made you go crazy."

"After hearing that, I think I may really need a drink." Confessed Retsu.

"This is a good place to get that kind of craving," Noted Sui-Feng as she gestured to the assortment of sake barrels behind the counter. "You just have to wait until the bartender gets back. She went in the back just before you got here for some reason and hasn't come back out yet."

"I can wait." Retsu said patiently. "So is there anything else on your mind?"

"Not really." Sighed Sui-Feng. "It's just that... Ever since you put Kaito in the hospital, Sajin's been worried about Anubis getting hurt too... And I guess I have too."

"It's perfectly normal for a parent to be concerned about their child." Retsu nodded with a sad smile on her face, recalling the years gone by of how her own mother drifted away into vices, she had to start acting like a mom for her younger siblings, and failed horribly.

"I still remember the day he was born." Sui-Feng admitted as she pulled out her wallet, some pictures of years gone by inside. "Black and gray fur, yellow eyes, and his cute little muzzle snapping at-" She stopped instantly as she realized that she was gushing. Coughing into her hand, she attempted to change the subject. "Forget about it. Just a mother going on about a few things in the past." She said as she nervously fiddled with her empty cup.

"Not a problem," Came a raspy and damaged voice as an elderly woman stepped in from the back of the store. "You have no idea how ofter that happens to me."

The elderly woman was dressed in a simple black kimono and held an intricately crafted pipe in her hand. She reeked of tobacco and alcohol, and her voice made it obvious that she suffered from smokers lung. She had short gray hair and a very old face that had a modest amount of wrinkles. It was nothing that would damage her appearance, but they made it quite clear that this woman was well into her twilight years.

"Haven't seen you in a while, brat." The old woman scoffed. "So what brings you around after all these years?"

"I'm sorry about that Tsumibito." Apologized Sui-Feng. "It's just that I haven't had that many problems in my life since I finally got settled in with my husband."

"Not you, stupid brat." Scoffed the now named Tsumibito. "I'm talking about the brat next to you."

"It's good to see you again after all this time as well, mother." Said Retsu, though she didn't sound sincere.

"Mother!" Repeated Sui-Feng in shock, before casting an uneasy look at her cup. "How much sake have I had tonight?" Several other patrons still in the bar had similar sentiments.

"Relax brat," Said Tsumibito as she blew out a wisp of smoke. "You're not hearing things, though I wish you were."

"Is that any way to speak to the only family you still have left?" Questioned Retsu.

"Bah!" Spat the elderly Unohana. "As far as I'm concerned, I have no family. Nothing left to lose that way." She mumbled. "So what brings you around here anyway? You haven't even bothered to contact me since your no-good brother finally got done in by that blind, Nigger, whiny, Zanpakuto stealing, captain brat. Pissed off one too many people. That brat always did have it coming. Never learned shit growing up."

"While Tosen may have been many horrible things in his life, that's no excuse to be racist about it." Corrected Retsu.

"Bah!" Spat Tsumibito again. "Those Gotei 13 fools all signed their death sentences the moment they signed into service. As far as I'm concerned, it would be justified for me to be racist against the whole lot of them. Especially that cocky candle brat who founded the whole enchilada in the first place."

"If you really think that way about the Gotei 13, then why do you still live in the same city as them?" Questioned Retsu.

Sui-Feng found the whole situation so surreal. Tsumibito, who she originally thought was just another old barmaid, was actually Unohana-taicho's mother! Though if one looked past the wrinkles and differences in hair, she had to admit that the resemblance was obvious. And on top of that, she was also clearly privy to many secrets. It wasn't exactly common knowledge that Tosen's Zanpakuto wasn't originally his. And did she just call the Captain-Commander a brat? She knew that Tsumibito was old, but to be calling even Yamamoto a brat, she had to be absolutely ancient!

Just as she thought this, a knife whizzed through the air, right by her head.

"You got something to say about my age?" Asked Tsumibito testily. Sui-Feng shook her head frantically, actually afraid of the old barmaid. It became increasingly clear that this old bird was indeed Unohana-Taicho's mother. "You look like you do." The elder Unohana remarked as she pulled out another knife, prompting Sui-Feng, as well as every other patron of the bar aside from Retsu, to beat a hasty retreat out of there. "Now look at what you've done." She sighed as she put the knife away.

"You're the one who pulled the knife out." Pointed out Retsu.

"I wouldn't have had to if you didn't show up out of the blue." Scoffed Tsumibito. "We haven't seen each other in... How long was it again?"

"About 400 years." Reminded Retsu. "Though my last letter was about 20 years ago."

"Not long enough if you ask me." Grunted Tsumibito as she got out a jug of sake and poured herself a cup. "So what brings you here after all this time, anyway? You wouldn't have come if it wasn't important."

"I wish you wouldn't drink so much." Said Retsu as her mother drank the whole cup in one go.

"I've been doing this and a lot worse since you were just up to my hip," Reminded Tsumibito. "I haven't croaked yet, and at this rate, I'll still be alive and kicking once that candle brat's six feet under." She said as she lifted the whole jug of sake up to her mouth.

The next words out of Retsu's mouth were ones that greatly surprised both herself, and her mother. Words that they would remember for the rest of their days. "I need your help."

Tsumibito paused as she was lifting the sake, not believing her own ears. Had her daughter, the last family she had left, who she hadn't actually seen in over 400 year, and had said time and again to her in the past that she didn't want nor need her help, actually just asked for her help? Putting down the jug, suddenly completely sober, Tsumibito dared to press the matter further. "My help? As I recall, you said that you could easily handle anything that comes your way on your own the last time we met face to face, as well as countless times before. Why would you be coming to **me** for help? After all this time? After all your success? After all your independence? You need the help of a weak old hag who probably only has about 300 years left in her, at most?"

"I'll admit, it does sound strange," Admitted Retsu. "If things had gone the way I wanted them to, I would never see you again. At least not in this life. But the fact of the matter is, things have gone very wrong in my life these past few days, and I don't know where else to turn to."

Her hard gaze softening, but only slightly, Tsumibito didn't hesitate in her next words. "Tell me."

* * *

><p>As Retsu explained the story of her past few days around Kaito, while leaving out a few details, her mother, unlike how such a scene would usually go, reacted with much laughter at her daughter's expense. For what felt like the thousandth time, Retsu questioned her sanity in going to her mother for help. If anything, talking with her about all of this seemed to make things even worse. As her story wound down to the present, Tsumibito finally quieted down.<p>

"Sounds to me like you've had things pretty rough these past few days." Tsumibito remarked without an ounce of sympathy.

"I'd say I have things pretty rough right now." Retsu said under her breath, though her mother heard.

Bursting into boisterous laughter with bouts of coughs and wheezes squeezed in between, Tsumibito felt elated. "So you've finally got a sense of humor, eh?" She asked. "Guess I can thank that Kaito brat for something. You always did need to loosen up a little."

"As I recall, I had no other choice than to take up all the responsibility around the house while I was still young." Remarked Retsu coldly. "You certainly weren't being any help." Normally she wouldn't be so harsh in her words, but she found that she was doing a lot of things she wouldn't normally do as of late.

"Will you just let that old shit go already?" Sighed Tsumibito. "It's been centuries since any of that mattered anymore."

Retsu's eyes suddenly became downcast as that jug of sake her mother was still holding suddenly looked more and more tempting. "I suppose it has been quite a while since my responsibility to my family mattered. It never really amounted to much anyway, did it?"

Tsumibito suddenly changed from a tired expression to a bitter one. "It wasn't exactly easy for me either, you know." She said as she poured another cup of sake, this time putting it in front of her daughter. "How do you think it felt for me, as a mother, and a wife, to see more and more of my family taken from me before their time, all because of some of the most stupid reasons? Honor. Revenge. Duty. Biting off more than they could chew. And even that weird one where one of them got sloshed out of their head and though it would be a good idea to piss off the current Kenpachi. Every one of them died in a pitiful way that didn't accomplish anything good, and could have easily been avoided if they weren't such idiots. That's why you've always been my favorite out of the bunch Retsu. You're too smart to get sucked into any of that crap, and made a wise move in becoming a medic."

"I wasn't aware I was your favorite anything." Remarked Retsu. "I always just thought you didn't really care anymore."

"It wasn't like that." Confessed Tsumibito. "It was never like that. You always knew how I felt about the Gotei 13. You know I didn't want to lose anyone else to it. But every time I tried to stop one of you from going. Every time I tried to make it impossible for you kids to leave. It never worked. You were all just too stubborn. Let that be a lesson to you Retsu. If you ever marry someone, make sure that they're lazy, dishonorable, smart, peaceful, and above all, uninterested in the Gotei 13. And pray to whatever god there may be that any kids you have will be just as smart and lazy as him."

At hearing this, Retsu actually chuckled. "It's funny that you should mention those qualities." She remarked, her spirits somewhat lifted. "That description suits Kaito all too well."

For an instant, Tsumibito's eyes seemed to narrow in suspicion, but they returned to normal too quickly for Retsu to take notice. "Yes, that Kaito kid that sent you running here in the first place. I can't help but wonder why you never used that old trick I taught you back when you first made captain."_ 'Back when I first realized that I'd never have to worry about you dying on me.'_ She added mentally.

"It's not for lack of trying," Remarked Retsu. "It's just that it never seems to work on him."

Tsumibito's eyes suddenly flashed with recognition, and again, Retsu didn't notice. "Well that's a shocker." She remarked, with as much feigned honesty as she could muster. "It's never failed me before." _'Except for one time.'_ She added internally.

"I know." Retsu said, looking back on all the times her mother had used 'that' look. "It still works just fine on everyone else, even Yamamoto-sotaicho, but for some reason it just seems to slide right off of him." Suddenly reminded of all the pain associated with why she came here in the first place, she threw caution to the wind, and drank down the cup of sake in front of her in one go. Unfortunately, having stayed away from alcohol her whole life, she had absolutely no resistance to the drink, and her eyes grew groggy and her cheeks gained a faint blush. "What was I doing here again, mommy?" She asked, already sloshed.

Tsumibito smiled at the sight. In spite of the fact that Retsu was currently drunk while she herself wasn't, she was happy that she had gotten this chance to talk with her. "Come on, brat. I'll take you home." She said gently as she took her daughter by her hand and began to guide her back to her division, making sure to put the closed sign up before leaving.

* * *

><p><strong>4th Division - 12:43 AM<strong>

After having brought her daughter back to her room, and explaining to her frantic lieutenant where she had been and what she'd been doing, and handling one other bit of business, Tsumibito headed back to her own little abode for some well deserved rest.

Taking out the sake she'd brought with her after she was out of the compound, Tsumibito looked rather pleased with the way things were now. "One last drink," She smirked. "As a sign of brighter things to come tomorrow. Hopefully that daughter of mine and this Kaito kid can give this old crone some grandchildren to look forward to before she goes belly up. And hopefully, they can do a better job of raising them than I did mine, well, all except one of my kids. Can't get much better than Retsu." Throwing her head back, she took a few mighty swigs of the brew before throwing the now empty jug on the ground with a mighty crash. "No more drinks or smokes for me! From now on I'm staying sober 24/7! Don't think my Retsu would want me drunk around my grandkids!" She said happily, with a faint red tinge to her cheeks.

* * *

><p><strong>Old Smoke Bar - Around the same time<strong>

_'Please let Unohana be gone. Please let Unohana be gone. Please let Unohana be gone.' _Rangiku chanted in her head as she made her way back to the bar. When she got there, her eyes widened in shock. "**Closed!** But Tsumibito-chan never closes before Midnight! Don't tell me Unohana forced her to close down for good! Why does she hate me?" Rangiku actually began to cry.

* * *

><p><strong>4th Division - The Next Day<strong>

_'Damn this hangover.'_ Cursed Retsu as she rubbed her temples. _'I've heard of having low tolerance, but this is ridiculous.'_

"Captain... Are you sure you're up for this?" Questioned Isane. "I mean, it's not like you to drink, and that hangover looks pretty bad. Are you sure you'd rather not wait until later to chuck up on Kaito?"

"I'm positive, Isane." Said Retsu. "Besides, Kaito will be fully recovered by the end of the day, so I don't really have much choice in the matter." Steeling herself for what she hoped would be the last time with Kaito, she entered the room.

And was very surprised at what she saw.

In his bed was Kaito, nothing unusual about that. But to see him with his eyebrows pointed at upward angles, wearing face paint that could only be said to resemble some demented clown, and with Yachiru braiding his goatee, was a very unusual sight to say the least.

"Oh, lookie, lookie! It's Braid-chan and Giant-chan!" Cheered Kaito happily. "Say hi to the crazy lady and the nervous lady, Mrs. Pinky-chan!"

Giggling, Yachiru happily waved to both of them. "Hi Braid-chan! Hi Giant-chan! I'm giving Hige-chan a makeover!"

Staring at the odd sight in shock for several second, Isane was the first to ask the question on both of their minds. "Um, Kaito..." She began uncertainly. "What exactly is going on here?"

"Mrs. Pinky-chan is giving me a makeover." Explained Kaito cheerfully. "Didn't you hear her just now?"

"You were right Hige-chan," Began Yachiru. "Since Giant-chan is so tall, she doesn't hear things right sometimes." They both burst into laughter at this.

"It's not like I asked to be so tall..." Murmured Isane self-consciously.

Smiling as politely as she could under the, admittedly bizarre circumstances, Retsu rephrased the question. "I believe what Isane meant was, why is Yachiru giving you a makeover?"

"I lost a bet." Answered Kaito pleasantly. "I won't go too much into details, but it involves a rubber chicken, 13 burnt hot dogs, a blender, ice cream, a can of beans, and Baldy-chan. You can also expect me to be pretty gassy for the next several hours." He took a pause to let out a loud fart. "Plus, I wanted to show my two fiances what a good daddy I'll make someday."

Taking a moment to soak in the shear insanity of whatever the bet may have been to involve these items, Isane was the first to react.

"WE ARE NOT YOUR FIANCES!" She exploded.

"But we're all so compatible." Whined Kaito childishly. "Retsu's a motherly type in every aspect of her life, and I'm the first person in who-knows-how-long that managed to get under her skin and make her do something new, spontaneous, and fresh in her life, and not just once, but everyday. While Isane is insecure about her height, and it obviously tends to get in her way of doing her job right. Because based on what I've read in Retsu's diaries, she tends to act without thinking, and I've managed to make her step up to the bat and do things the smart way for once. At least if what you two were talking about three days ago in Retsu's room is anything to go by."

Listening to Kaito while he was being crazy was quite a daunting task, as he tended to ramble on and on with little to no pause between his words. Once their minds had caught up with their ears, Retsu and Isane found themselves quite shocked.

"H-How did you know about what happened there three days ago?" Questioned Isane in shock. "I know you have good hearing, but Unohana-taicho's room is a whole floor above this one!"

At hearing this, Kaito and Yachiru giggled together. Like they were sharing some private joke between only the two of them.

"Do you-Do you have any idea what the layout of this building is like?" Questioned Kaito between laughs.

"You were right again, Hige-chan." Said Yachiru between giggles. "You really do have the luck of the devil."

"That's right!" Laughed Kaito. "First I'm a prodigy. Then I read some diaries that were stolen by a drunk. After that I get sent to a fancy hospital right after I get here, where the woman I read the diaries of works as the boss, and is a total babe. I start on the path to seducing her completely by chance. Then someone decides to throw me a few more freebies by adding an equally hot second-in-command my way, and even putting the first hottie in the room directly above mine, letting me spy on her in her own room! Some people are just born lucky! Next thing you know, all those years of me secretly practicing Santoryu to try and emulate Zoro will actually come in handy!"

Retsu and Isane's eyes widened in comprehension, as they realized that Kaito's room was indeed right below Retsu's, and since Isane's room was right next door to Retsu's, there was a high possibility that he had spied on her as well.

"By the way," Added Kaito. "You're pretty funny when you're drunk, Retsu. And Isane has the funniest nightmares."

"Kaito," Intervened Retsu. "I think that I speak for both Isane and myself when I say that it would be for the best if we settled all out problems as soon as possible, without any of this tomfoolery. So if we could just settle things like responsible adults, it would be easier on all of us."

"That's right." Agreed Isane assertively, though red faced from his earlier comment about her reoccurring nightmares. "You've already caused Unohana-taicho enough trouble over the past few days, so why don't you just settle all your differences right now."

"Then can we get to the three-way romancing, and the three-way sex, and the three-way wedding?" Asked Kaito excitedly.

"There will be no sex, or wedding, and as far as I can see, the only romance going on is in your own mind." Denied Retsu sternly. "All there will be is us finally putting our problems to rest. I've already faced my past, so all that remains right now is facing you."

"That's right," Confirmed Isane. "You won't be able to hurt her by using what you read in her diaries anymore, so let's just tie up all these loose ends. Besides..." Isane began nervously as her face turned slightly red. "Besides... I... I wouldn't go out with you anyway. You're just too weird and cruel and not really my type."

Kaito hummed loudly, obviously faking deep thought, before responding. "I decline."

"You decline?" Asked Isane curiously. "What exactly are you declining?"

"I decline your decline." He said authoritatively. "I've made up my mind about having both of you, so that's what's gonna happen, and I won't take no for an answer."

"That's not something you get to decline!" Outburst a shocked and appalled Isane. "Who do you think you are? Trying to make these kinds of decisions for us?"

Kaito cast a demented looking glare at Isane, and she started shivering. It was like facing down her captain in a bad mood, that was the only comparison she could make. "R-Right. I'll just be quiet now."

"Kaito," Retsu began with 'that' look. "Such a decision has to be made by an agreement of all parties involved after careful consideration. Even the Hitsugaya family didn't just jump into a decision like that."

"So?" Kaito asked with his own 'look'. "I've done enough considering for all three of us. I think that it's a great idea, and this way you can finally get closer to that division you keep calling a family but for some reason don't really think of as such, to wit, pip pip, cheerio old bean, top o' the morning to ya, my drill is the drill that will pierce the heavens, bow chika wow wow. If you catch my drift Retsu-chan, Isane-chan." He finished up with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

"Uhhhh..." Went Isane fearfully from behind the chair she'd taken cover behind to keep away from the 'look' stare down. "What's going on exactly? I'm having trouble following."

"Don't you brats know anything?" Asked Tsumibito as she suddenly barged into the room.

"Mother!" Said Retsu in shock. "What are you doing here?"

"You're Braid-chan's mommy?" Asked Yachiru energetically. "Do you have any treats like Braid-chan does?"

"I don't have any treats for babies," Said Tsumibito. "But come see me again when you're old enough to drink." Looking around the room curiously, she smirked when she saw Kaito.

"Don't rape me!" Panicked Kaito as he threw his blanket over his head.

_'My mother scares him easily, yet he doesn't fear me in the least?'_ Wondered Retsu.

Tsumibito burst into a wheezing laugh at his fear. "Relax brat. I'm not gonna rape ya. You ain't even my type to begin with." As Kaito peeked out of the covers, Tsumibito chuckled. "So you're this Kaito brat my brat's been complaining about, are ya?"

"Maybe..." Said Kaito hesitantly. "That all depends on exactly what you heard..."

Bursting into another fit of laughter, Tsumibito smirked at Kaito again. "I like this kid. He's got moxie, yet he's still just as you described him, brat. To answer your question, I've been listening since my little brat and the tall brat here went in."

"And...?" Kaito asked fearfully.

Slapping her hands down on his still slightly sore shoulders, she replied with a hearty voice. "I approve!"

"Mother!" Exclaimed Retsu, instantly understanding the implications of her words.

"Granted, your ideas are a bit too progressive for my old fashioned tastes," She said to Kaito, completely ignoring her daughter. "But you seem like you've got a good head on your shoulders, so I know you'll treat my daughter and her lackey right, am I right?" She asked enthusiastically.

Instantly, Kaito's eyes lit up. "Of course! This is the kind of thing I've been planning out for years! I've got over two hundred scenarios planned out for seduc- er, I mean... winning over multiple girls, and this is number 108!"

"You've been planning this out for years?" Asked Tsumibito jovially. "Exactly what kind of pervert are you?"

"The kind that cares about his ladies!" Shouted Kaito enthusiastically. "And who was babysat by the Hitsugayas a lot over the years. I guess some things just rubbed off."

"Ahem!" Coughed Retsu loudly, interrupting her mother and patient. "Mother, may I speak with you outside?"

"Sure." Agreed Tsumibito nonchalantly as she left. "You coming, giant?"

"Isane will not be joining us." Intervened Retsu immediately as Isane was rubbing her arm self-consciously about her height again. "This will just be between you and me." She said as she left the room.

Shaking her head in amusement, Tsumibito followed shortly after her. Isane, not sure what to do, but not wanting to be around an almost fully recovered and currently crazy Kaito without protection, quickly left as well.

Smirking, Kaito handed a paper cup attached to a long string to Yachiru. "Remember our plan, Mrs. Pinky-chan?"

Nodding enthusiastically, Yachiru took the paper cup and climbed through an open ventilation panel, hidden by the curtains surrounding his bed.

"Boy am I ever glad Tobacco Breath showed up here last night to plan this out," Chuckled Kaito deviously. "She still scares the crap outta me, though."

* * *

><p>Sorry if you feel like I'm cutting this a bit short, but this chapter has been getting a bit long, and I'm not sure if the ideas I have for the next chapter are enough to fill it to over 5000 words like I usually do, so I'm using the conclusion of this chapter's events as a buffer.<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

Alright, another chapter coming around the bend! Now, on with the show!

* * *

><p><strong>With Retsu and Tsumibito<strong>

"Why are we going so far?" Asked Tsumibito slyly as her daughter lead her down the hall. "Afraid your lover will overhear?"

"He is not my lover," Denied Retsu firmly. "And as a matter of fact, I am worried that he'll overhear. You don't know his hearing like I do."

"It can't be that good." Commented Tsumibito sceptically.

"He can hear in his sleep." Remarked Retsu.

"Damn, that kid's got some damn good hearing." Said Tsumibito, her viewpoint on the subject having done a complete 180 degree turn.

"Yes," Nodded Retsu as she came to a gradual stop. "In here." She said as she walked into the mess hall, which was currently vacant, her mother following closely behind.

As Tsumibito closed the door behind her, she glanced up at the ventilation shaft in the room, and internally grinned in satisfaction when she saw a little bundle with pink hair waving at her from within.

* * *

><p><strong>With Kaito<strong>

The hairy man was currently filled with glee! Delicious, black colored, slightly psychotic glee! Mrs. Pinky-chan was spying on one of the two women he hopes to have for himself and her scary mommy with two paper cups and a really long piece of string! The shrinking giant would be easy to win over with any number of plans! The threesome was within sight!

... Taken out of context, this would be extremely disturbing. Luckily, even within the folds of his own insanity, Kaito was still aware of the context of his own life, and wouldn't be forgetting his goals anytime soon.

"We really need to have a talk about what you're doing." Came Retsu's voice, loud and clear over the paper cups and string.

"Jackpot." Kaito whispered in satisfaction.

* * *

><p><strong>Back with Retsu and Tsumibito<strong>

"Oh really?" Taunted Tsumibito. "And what exactly do you think I'm doing?"

"For starters, being a horrible mother." Said Retsu. "Again." She tagged on the end.

"Continue." Said Tsumibito calmly.

"We kept away from each other for four centuries, only communicating through sparse letters." Continued Retsu. "Letters, which could be spaced decades apart. Now, when I'm actually reaching out to you for help, you take the chance to make my life worse."

"Continue." Insisted Tsumibito.

"You were kind to me yesterday." Continued Retsu. "For the first time since I could remember, you acted like a real mother. You actually listen to me, and helped me move past the pain I've felt for centuries now. Now, you're back to making me despise having you as a mother."

"Continue." Said Tsumibito once more.

"I have nothing else to say to you." Finished Retsu, completely through with her mother. "I've told you my honest and true feelings about you, and you don't even react. I've gotten what I wanted from our relations, and now we never have to see each other again. Just what you've always wanted."

"You think that's what I want?" Asked Tsumibito. "Damn, you're even more blind than I am, and it's been a good five centuries or so since I was able to see anything out of my left eye. I'll say this only once, so listen good. I'm not making your life worse. Believe it or not, I'm actually looking out for your best interests for once."

"In what way?" Asked Retsu snidely. "How is fanning the flames of Kaito's lust helping?"

"Have I ever told you how I met your father?" Asked Tsumibito.

"In what way would these two subjects relate?" Asked Retsu sarcastically.

"It was well over a millennium ago by now," Continued Tsumibito, undaunted by her daughter's tone. "I was just a doctor back then, like you are now, and your father was just your average thug. I was content with my life, and your father just wanted more power. We hadn't met so much as once back then. It just happened one day, I was doing my job, he was doing his. He pissed off someone higher up on the ladder than him because he made a stupid move. He was beaten to a bloody pulp, and was left to die."

"You've told me this story many times before." Intervened Retsu. "Ever since father died, you never made much of an effort to censor things."

"Ignoring that." Mumbled Tsumibito. "You remember how most of this story goes. I found your father on the brink of death, nursed him back to health, things sprouted from there. A classic tale of some idiot doctor and an idiot patient falling in love. Of course, back then it wasn't really classic, so much as pretty standard for the time. Anyway, time went on, we consummated our relationship... a lot as you could probably tell by the number of siblings you had."

"There were twelve of us." Recalled Retsu. "Looking back, father was likely compensating for his failure in his previous career."

"Damn straight." Agreed Tsumibito. "Bastard plowed me night and day to prove he had power. That's the only way I can see it. I didn't really mind though, I knew there was love between us, and only one kid every decade or so. It was a good life back then. But eventually, his drive for power acted up again and got him in more trouble."

"I know how the story goes mother." Sighed Retsu. "I was there when the news was delivered."

"Yeah," Sighed Tsumibito. "Bastard went and got himself killed trying to prove he could be the candle brat's lieutenant, even though the brat was younger than him." Gazing off to nowhere in particular, Tsumibito reflected long and hard on her memories. Both the good, and the bad.

Seeing that her mother was too busy with her thoughts to pay her any heed, Retsu decided to end this painful reflection. "If that's all mother, I really should be going."

"Hold on a second." Called Tsumibito. "I never said this conversation was over."

"I'm not a child anymore, mother," Said Retsu stubbornly. "So don't use that tone with me."

"This is important, brat," Growled Tsumibito. "So you'll listen and you'll listen good."

There was a long and painful pause before Retsu responded. "Well, mother. I'm listening."

"I know that I've been a lousy mother almost your whole life." Admitted Tsumibito. "But in spite of my lack of responsibility, I have always wanted the best for you. And right now, whether you believe me or not, that Kaito kid is what's best for you."

"In what way?" Asked Retsu disdainfully. "He's almost constantly going out of his way to make my life miserable. He hates me one moment, doesn't care the next, and at other times he just lusts after me. He's constantly pointing out my faults. And worst of all, I can't keep him in line. How could someone like that possibly be what's best for me?"

"Because," Began Tsumibito without hesitation. "Almost word for word, that's exactly how I described your father to my best friend while I was healing him."

Instantly, the world seemed to freeze around Retsu. Out of all of the things her mother could have said, all the ideas she could have put forth, that was the worst possible thing that her mother could have said right now. To be compared to her mother was a frightening and anger fueling concept all by itself, but to draw parallels between the relationship she had with Kaito, and the relationship her mother had with her father, was about ten times worse.

Seeing that her daughter was still reeling from her comparison, Tsumibito continued. "I talked with that brat last night, after I brought you back here." That was another blow to Retsu. "I know what you're thinking, I went behind your back and did something you don't like. So what else is new? But I had to make sure that the kid was just like you described him; just like the kind of man I hoped you'd find for yourself one day. And I have to say, I'm not disappointed. He's smart enough to know when he's outmatched. He's too cowardly to care about honor in the least or to try risking his life. He's too lazy to do something that isn't necessary. And best of all, he has no dreams of power, just writing, friends, and family. The exact qualities that got everyone else in this family killed, he lacks completely."

"But... we clash at every turn." Said Retsu, a slight hint of desperation in her voice. "How could someone like that possibly be right for me?"

"It's because you clash that he's right for you." Tsumibito corrected. "People fall in love so that they can complete each other. So that they can have a balance of opinions. Because you're so different, you'll keep each other in line. He'll always be able to help you see past things you couldn't normally. The fact that he's not afraid of you, is also the very reason he's so right for you. If you ever make a stupid decision, he'll actually be able to talk you out of it without being shot down out of fear. Do you see what I'm getting at? You're balanced. With him by your side, you won't make any of the mistakes I made; as a person, and as a mother."

In spite of her usual levelheadedness and current anger and confusion at the situation, Retsu actually felt her face heat up. "I don't recall father ever looking at anyone besides you. Whereas Kaito seems to be little more than a pervert during days like today." She said, now grasping at straws.

"So the guy has an interest in your head lackey too," Waved off Tsumibito casually. "Big deal. It may be a bit progressive, but from what I've heard, that ice brat seems to make it work with three times what that Kaito kid wants."

"I'm an old fashioned woman, mother." Retsu insisted adamantly, and with a hint of sarcasm. "I'm not used to sharing."

"Bull." Deadpanned Tsumibito. "You shared quite a bit growing up. You and your closest sister even talked for months about sharing a boyfriend for almost two years." Tsumibito didn't refer to any of her family except Retsu by name anymore; less painful that way.

"I wasn't even 150 years old back then, and dad hadn't died yet." Retsu blushed slightly at being reminded of one of the more embarrassing points of her childhood. "And you seem to be forgetting one key detail to all of this."

"Oh?" Tsumibito quirked an eyebrow curiously. "And what might that be?"

"This is my life." Retsu stated bluntly. "It doesn't matter in the least what you or anyone else says. It's my life, and I'll make my own decisions. Times have changed greatly since father died, I've grown up, I've completely denounced you as a mother, I'm making my own way, and the crazy ideas of you and one young man are not going to change any of that."

Tsumibito was silent, yet completely closed off. Retsu couldn't read any emotion on her blank expression as the old bird slowly made her way to the window. Letting out a silent sigh...

She burst into laughter.

Retsu stared in confusion at the old woman she had just ceased to call mother in shock and confusion. _'Why is she laughing?'_ She found herself wondering. _'From the looks of things, she seemed to be trying to bridge the centuries long gap between us, and now she's laughing when I completely denounce her as a mother. From the looks of things, she actually seems happy that the two of us are now more distant than ever. What am I still missing here?'_

As Tsumibito's laughter wound down to a sputtering cough, she bared her toothy grin of yellow, brown, black, and missing teeth, along with one gold one that Retsu didn't recall her having four centuries ago. "It's funny," Tsumibito finally said. "We're so alike that it's painful for me to just look at you." Seeing an angry expression on her daughter's face, she casually waved her away. "Fine, if you wanna go about all of this the hard way like I did, far be it from me to stop you. There are some things in this crazy, messed up world that you have to figure out on your own after all, and I suppose that this is one of them." Swiping some leftover food from a table, she took her leave.

* * *

><p><strong>With Isane<strong>

After fleeing from Kaito, Isane began to realize just how foolish she was being. Kaito was still recovering, and her Captain was more than capable of keeping Kaito in line. If not by intimidation, then by sheer force. Suddenly, a chord was struck in Isane.

_'I'm incompetent.'_ She realized sickeningly. _'Every time a crisis arises, I'm always jumping into the fray without thinking about it, and Unohana-taicho has to keep me from doing anything reckless. Kaito's right, I don't think about what I'm capable of. I just act first, think later. If it weren't for Unohana-taicho, I'd have died long ago.'_

For all of his heckling and vulgar language, Isane had to admit that Kaito's words were very sobering for her in a way. The 4th Division was a medical group. They were supposed to be smart. They were supposed to stay alive through the battle so that more could do the same. They were supposed to stay away from fights if they could, and fight mainly to survive if they couldn't. They were not ones to strike first. The value of life was their first priority.

_'All this time...'_ Thought Isane. _'All this time, I haven't been doing what a medic should. I haven't been living up to my title as Lieutenant of the 4th Division. I'm supposed to be someone who others in my division look up to and aspire to. What good would it do them to aspire to someone like me? I'm completely dependent on Unohana-taicho's judgment, and I'd probably have died back when Aizen first revealed himself as a traitor, or when we went to Hueco Mundo if it weren't for her. What if something actually happened to Unohana-taicho? The entire 4th Division would look to me to lead them. How could I possibly be responsible for the lives of over 200 people when I can't even be responsible for my own?'_ As she passed by the mess hall, her thoughts were interrupted.

"But... we clash at every turn." Isane heard the desperate voice of her captain. "How could someone like that possibly be right for me?"

"Who is she talking about?" Isane wondered as she pressed her ear to the door, trying to hear better.

"It's because you clash that he's right for you." Came a voice Isane recognized as that of Unohana-taicho's mother. "People fall in love so that they can complete each other. So that they can have a balance of opinions. Because you're so different, you'll keep each other in line. He'll always be able to help you see past things you couldn't normally. The fact that he's not afraid of you, is also the very reason he's so right for you-"

Isane drowned out the rest of what the old woman was saying, too shocked to notice much else. _'Her own mother is advocating for Kaito instead of her daughter? Can't she see how much Kaito is hurting Unohana-taicho? A real mother wouldn't just sit by and allow this, let alone encourage it. Is this the kind of woman my captain had to grow up around?' _Isane was so caught up in her own thoughts, she almost missed her captain speaking again.

"I don't recall father ever looking at anyone besides you." Unohana-taicho said beyond the door. "Whereas Kaito seems to be little more than a pervert during days like today."

A lead weight seemed to drop in Isane's gut as she found herself frozen to the door. _'Unohana-taicho's never mentioned her family before Kaito started harassing her.'_ Isane recalled as the gears in her mind started turning. _'It's not likely that she would bring the subject of her father up first, so that would mean that her mother probably said something about it first. But why would she compare her father to Kaito, unless...'_ Isane hesitated as she came to a grim conclusion. _'Her mother compared them first. And unless Unohana-taicho's mother wanted to make a pass at Kaito herself - which was really, **really** unlikely, or at least I hope so - the only reason to compare her father with Kaito was because she was comparing their... relationships.'_ Isane was once again so wrapped up in her own thoughts, that she once again almost missed her captain's words.

"Times have changed greatly since father died," Her captain said. "I've grown up, I've completely denounced you as a mother, I'm making my own way, and the crazy ideas of you and one young man are not going to change any of that."

If hearing the weight of a person's words could make people even a little bit shorter, Isane was certain that she'd be as small as her sister by now. _'That would actually be a pretty good thing for me.'_ Thought Isane absentmindedly, before shaking such thoughts from her head.

_'Now is not the time for that!'_ She scolded herself. _'Right now, Unohana... No. Retsu is completely severing ties with the last bit of blood family she has left. I saw her crying to herself when she thought no one was around not long after Aizen defected. At first I wasn't really sure what to make of it; probably just that she was sad that three captains defected at once. But Kaito said that Tosen had killed the last sibling she had left. It doesn't take a genius to figure it out with this much information. She was devastated by the loss of one of the last two people she called family, and now she's turning away the last bit of family she has. I don't want to see her sad again. I refuse to see her like that again!'_

Just as Isane resolved to be there for her captain however she could, the door she was still leaning against opened and she fell to the floor with a loud thud.

"You really shouldn't lean against doors like that," Remarked Tsumibito as she casually took a bite out of an apple. "Especially when you're so tall. It just makes for a longer fall."

"You don't seem very surprised that she was there." Observed Retsu disapprovingly, though at which one of them exactly her disapproval was aimed at, Isane wasn't entirely sure of.

"Course not." Scoffed Tsumibito. "People are always nosy. They never know when to stop getting involved where they're not wanted." Turning her lips into a wide smirk, she added, "Sorta like me. I'm just causing my daughter so many problems in her life, one might even say I enjoy messing with people." With that, she finally took her leave.

Turning her attention to her lieutenant, Retsu asked, "How much did you hear?"

Getting up and dusting herself off, Isane replied, "I heard enough. Why did you completely cut yourself off from her?"

"I had no choice, Isane." Sighed Retsu. "I know from experience when she just won't let things go, and this was one of those moments. As painful as it is, the only way I know of to get her to stop is to cut her off completely."

Casting her gaze to the ground, Isane commented somberly, "All of this because of Kaito."

"Yes." Nodded Retsu. "Kaito certainly seems to know how to cause trouble, doesn't he." Taking pause, she eventually added, "All of this because I unjustifiably traumatized him."

"Don't talk like that, Retsu!" Isane insisted.

In spite of her usual calm, Retsu was somewhat surprised at Isane's outburst. In all of her time as her Captain, Isane had never once referred to her by her first name.

"Don't talk like that." Isane repeated. "Yes, Kaito is where he is because of a mistake on your part, but he's been treating you poorly all of his own accord. Even when you constantly went back to try and make amends and treat his injuries, he did nothing but treat you like dirt."

Walking towards Retsu, she enveloped her in a firm hug, surprising both of them by the impulsive action. "You've always been a great Captain, and a great role model for all Shinigami. One mistake will never change the fact that you're one of the greatest, most inspiring, and most reliable Shinigami in the entire history of Seireitei. You're a great woman, and someone I've looked up to since before I entered the Gotei 13, or even the Academy. When I was assigned to your Division, I had never been happier. When you asked me to be your Lieutenant, I had never been happier. All of those times you looked out for me, I was proud to work for you. You've always been there for me, so now, please let me be there for you." She pleaded.

In spite of how awkward the hug was, with Isane being so tall, Retsu couldn't help the pride swelling in her heart. All these years, she knew Isane was capable and reliable, even if she did need a push in the right direction from time to time, but now she was showing just how much of her own influence had groomed Isane into what she was today. Holding back a few tears of joy, Retsu returned the hug.

"Thank you for your kind words, Isane." Said Retsu gratefully. "You've really matured a great deal since you first walked through the gates of the 4th Division. No matter what anyone else says or thinks about you, even yourself, know that I've always had full confidence in you."

"I know, Retsu." Replied Isane, choking up slightly. "And I know now, that every time you held me back, or corrected me, or made me do something that I questioned at the time, you were always looking out for me and seeing the big picture. I promise to be more careful and cautious in the future." She finished as she stepped back, her eyes slightly red from crying.

"Yes, about that Isane," Began Retsu. "Do you recall when I picked out you swimsuit for you?"

"Y-Yes." Stuttered Isane. How could she ever forget the showy swimsuit Retsu had made her buy?

"I'll be honest with you." Retsu began confessing. "The only reason I had you buy that was because I didn't want my choice in swimsuit to be compared to yours as scandalous. We are in the same Division after all."

"Wh-Wh-What?" Panicked Isane. "Do you have any idea how embarrassing it was for me to wear that thing? Rangiku took pictures for crying out loud! I had to buy them off of her so that she wouldn't put them in a swimsuit calendar she was planning! And it wasn't cheap!"

Laughing softly, Retsu mentally thanked Isane for being there for her when she really needed it, and decided to repay Isane for what she had to bribe Rangiku with to get those photos off of her.

* * *

><p><strong>Later in the day - Kaito's release<strong>

"Party time!" Shouted Kaito as he ran out of the 4th Division; glad to finally be out of bed. "Where's the cake?" He asked excitedly, only to get a whack to the head.

"There is no cake, Kaito." Greeted Ichigo. "Good to see you in such good spirits, though."

"Daddy!" Cheered Kaito as he threw his arms around his dad. "What did you bring me for my Birthday?" This time, he got a swift kick to the ass.

"It's not your Birthday, and we're glad to see you in good shape too." Smirked Rukia. "Just don't go worrying us like that again. You're almost as bad as your dad at your age when it comes to getting injured."

"Midget!" Cried Kaito as he grabbed his mom by the shoulders and threw her high in the air. "Stop comparing me to daddy!" He demanded.

Landing with a very ungraceful thud on the ground, Ichigo laughed while Rukia shouted, "What was that for, you idiot? I worry about you, and you treat me like some rag doll?" Turning to her husband, she added, "And you! Stop laughing at me!" She then punctuated her demand with a stomp to Ichigo's foot.

Grunting in pain, Ichigo grabbed his wife by the collar of her uniform. "What was that for? Can I help it if I laugh at something funny?"

"You should if it's your wife you plan on laughing at!" Rukia shouted as she grabbed Ichigo by his Haori.

Leaving his parents to one of their usual arguments, Kaito spotted someone who could always instantly brighten one of his days just by getting insults thrown his way. "Uncle Mr. Pinky-chan!" He cried gleefully as he threw his arms around his very disgruntled uncle, who was currently carrying a box. "What did you bring me for my Birthday?" He asked as he grabbed the box and tore into it like a kid at Christmas.

Eyebrow twitching in annoyance, Byakuya responded, "I didn't bring you anything. Those are just some glasses given to me by a former Lieutenant of mine, again. That I am about to return, again."

Ignoring his uncle, Kaito pulled out a monocle from the box and examined it. "Nice specks." He approved as he placed it over his right eye with all the enthusiasm of the nut job that he currently was. _"Quite an improvement over bandages and several broken bones. Wouldn't you agree?"_ He asked his parents, who suddenly stopped their argument short, but didn't let go of each other's clothes.

"What did you say?" Asked a stupefied Ichigo.

_"I merely inquired as to what you thought of a change of appearance, as opposed to my previous position of lying prone and injured in a hospital bed."_ Repeated Kaito. _"Admittedly, it is a rather bizarre contrast. Nonetheless, it is the only one I could conjure up on such short notice."_

Several moments of silence passed before anyone spoke again. _"Egad! It would seem as though I've gone from crazy to civilized without the aid of the passage of time, but rather, with the application of a mere eyepiece."_

"Say what?" Asked Ichigo as he scratched his head in confusion; his son's words having gone completely over his head.

"He said that the monocle made him civilized." Translated Byakuya, who was straining to keep a straight face as Kaito continued to dig through the box of eyepieces. "And not a moment too soon. His insanity grates heavily on my nerves after just a few words."

Putting the monocle in a pocket, and putting on a pair of triangle sunglasses in their place, Kaito headbutted his uncle Byakuya. **"Watch what you say about me, Fruitcake!"** Demanded Kaito. **"I can trick Captain Pirate into barging down your door with his Zanpakuto swinging if I wanted to!"**

Rubbing the sore spot on his head as Kaito continued to rummage through the box of glasses, Byakuya was seriously beginning to question the parenting methods used by his sister and the man she was foolish enough to wed. _'Why is it that my life has been slowly spiraling out of control since Rukia first meet Ichigo?'_

"Ohhh, look at these ones!" Said Kaito excitedly, the triangle shades on his forehead, 3D tinted goggles taking their place. "I haven't felt like this for the past 7 1/2 paragraphs!" Grabbing his uncle by the shoulders and shaking him roughly, he demanded, "Where did you get these awesome specs, Uncle Mr. Pinky-chan?"

Swatting away his hands with cold disdain, Byakuya glared at Ichigo. "Exactly how have you been raising this boy?"

"Hey," Barked Ichigo. "It's not my fault Unohana-taicho messed him up!"

"You're his parents," Rebuked Byakuya. "Therefor, you have a duty to do a proper job raising him to adulthood."

"Will you just shut up, Byakuya?" Growled Ichigo. "I've been your brother-in-law for the past 19 years! I made Captain at the youngest age ever! I've even kicked your ass personally! And all this time, you haven't shown me even a shred of respect! What's it gonna take with-Ow!" He was interrupted as Rukia drove her heel into his foot. "Rukia, what the hell was that for?"

"Will you stop talking about my brother that way?" Barked Rukia. "He's a more experienced Shinigami than you are! Not to mention he's a lot more civilized and responsible than you'll ever be, and he's a better artist!"

"I don't care about how long he's been doing this job!" Shouted Ichigo. "I can still kick his ass up and down the streets of Seireitei any day of the week! And as for civil and responsible! How the hell is someone who tried to kill me three times, tried to get you executed, and all the time going against his wife's last request, any of those things in any way? And by the way, about that 'great art' of his. He's worse than you are when it comes to that shit!"

"Thank you, dad!" Kaito praised, the goggles around his neck, the shades on his forehead, and the monocle in his pocket. "And all this time, I thought I was the only one who noticed what a complete and utter prick uncle Byakuya was. And as for the art skills, can you say irony? Because, as we are all well aware, I can easily imitate the art styles of the seven greatest Mangaka the world has ever seen, or at least in my opinion they are. Whereas mom and uncle Byakuya suck more than one of those super vacuums that are always on infomercials." Taking notice of the odd stares he was receiving, Kaito felt slightly awkward. "Alright, I'll bite. Who's drunk this time?"

"My baby!" Cried Rukia as she launched herself at Kaito, knocking the air out of his lungs. "You're alright!"

"What's with the touchy feely love-fest, mom?" Grunted Kaito as he struggled for air in his mother's vice-like grip.

"It's you!" Continued Rukia. "I'd know that surly, uninterested, slightly comedic attitude anywhere! My baby's back!"

"Mom~ you're embarrassing me." Whined Kaito as several member of the 4th Division chuckled at the sight of the one man capable of standing against their Captain without flinching, being hugged by his mommy. Though they were quickly shoot down by one glare from Kaito. "And what do you mean 'slightly comedic'? I'll have you know that I leave people in stitches whenever I walk by!"

"Do you remember anything that's happened in the past few days?" Questioned Ichigo worriedly.

Blinking a few times at his father oddly, Kaito answered. "Everything, why do you ask?"

"Your attitude." Ichigo replied. "Don't you find it the least bit strange that you've been acting completely out of character for the past few days, and especially now?"

"Not really." Shrugged Kaito. "From the first day I was in the hospital, I was able to piece together that my mind had been seriously messed up. Stuff like that happens all the time, in manga." His father face-faulted at his explanation. "After that, it was just a matter of trying to get my mind in order again. The fact that glasses can do that isn't the least bit surprising. Stuff like that also happens a lot, in manga." This time his uncle looked away in embarrassment. "Now before somebody shows me to wherever I'm going to live from now on, I just have one thing to say to mom."

"What is it, Kaito?" Rukia asked, completely attentive and glad to have the son she knows back.

Slipping on his triangle shades, Kaito answered. **"GET OFF OF ME!"**

* * *

><p>Sorry this is coming out so late, but it's happened again. That's right, I'm suffering from writer's block. I don't know how long it will last this time, but I've reached what I hope is an epiphany for the cause of my lack of inspiration, and will take measures to correct it.<p>

"One more thing!" If I'm calling this right, this story will have 4-5 more chapters before completion. So look forward to it!

"One more thing!" To all writers who read this and are suffering from writers block, here is what I believe will help you get inspiration again. Watch films by Alfred Hitchcock and Frank Capra! They are the movies of geniuses!


	10. Chapter 10

Hello again, however long it's been since I last updated. There's something I wanted to clarify with everyone, but more specifically, my co-writer, "Grimlock King of Stories", who asked about this. Kaito's regular personality is pretty much emotionless. Like someone who's dead on the inside. He doesn't get happy, only content. He doesn't get angry, only irritated. He doesn't get sad, only upset. His tone of voice makes it sound like he's always stoned. This change from what he once was is because of the trauma induced by Retsu. I also envision him taking up a smoking habit within a year, but only one cigarette every other day, and only in front of others so he can look cooler.

His other personalities are much more expressive, but he won't be focusing on them too much anymore. Now it's time for me to shut up and let you get on with your reading.

* * *

><p><strong>The Day After Kaito's Release from the Fourth Division - Isane's Room<br>**

Isane was happy as she got ready for the day. This was actually something pretty big, since happiness, joy, or positive emotion of any kind had been so scarce for the past few days. The reason for this being, quite obviously, that Kaito Kurosaki, the man who had been causing her Captain so much emotional turmoil, was finally gone. She knew it was wrong of her to genuinely hate someone who had been a patient in the 4th Division just a day ago, but Kaito had pressed everyone he encountered too far.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door, and Isane, so happy as she was, answered it gladly. "Who is it?" She asked with a smile as she opened the door. A smile which quickly turned into a look of anger and disdain. "What are **you** doing here?" She asked bitterly.

Kaito stood in the doorway with a slightly bored look on his face, sunglasses on his head, goggles around his neck, and a freshly sewn pocket on his shirt which contained an unseen monocle. "Nice to see you again too, Isane. How have you been?"

Anger turning into agitated shock, Isane answered bitterly. "I was doing very well until you showed up. What do you think you're doing here anyway? Why hasn't anyone thrown you out yet?"

"My reasons are my own," Shrugged Kaito. "And I can come and go as I please, can't I? Last I checked, the rules surrounding new arrivals from Karakura Village were still very sketchy and uncertain." Seeing that Isane was clearly unsatisfied with his answer, Kaito elaborated. **"Nobody's kicked me out yet because, to be totally blunt, they're all still scared shitless by me."** He answered with his triangle shades on, before switching to his monocle. _"It also helps when you make certain that no one sees you. Espionage is something I practiced with Anubis from time to time, since his mom would always make him do it, day in and day out."_ Switching from monocle to 3D goggles, he added. You should have seen the look on his mom's face when she found out Anubis and I laced her breakfast with laxatives on his 9th Birthday! She wanted to throttle us, but nature called before she could do anything. It was so priceless!" He burst into laughter, but stopped short when he took off his goggles. "But in all seriousness, I'm here to see you."

Isane, much to her credit, was taking the quick switching of personalities better than most, as she'd already had some experience with how different he can be from one day to the next, but she was still unsettled by how quickly he was doing it now. Her confusion was such, that she could barely get one word out in her shock. "What?"

"I expected as much." Muttered Kaito. "Let me try and simplify things as much as I can. When my monocle is on, _I speak in the manner of a refined gentleman._ When my shades are on,** I cou****ldn't give less of a shit about how I sound.** And when these, admittedly bizarre goggles are on, do you have any fish on you? I could really go for some sushi right about now, or at least some fish sticks. And when there's nothing over my eyes, I'm back to my old self. I don't even try to understand how it works, because quite frankly, I'm already disturbed enough by all of this as it is.

Now understanding the situation at least a little bit better, Isane didn't waste any time in pressing her confused line of questioning further. "How did you figure this... this system out?"

"A stroke of luck, really." Began Kaito. "My jackass uncle was walking by with a box of eyepieces some former lackey of his sent him for some reason, and I was crazy at the time..." He left the answer hanging, knowing that the rest was obvious.

Now Isane fully understood the reason for Kaito's new found control, but really couldn't care less. "Well, if you don't mind, I'd like to get on with my day. So if you'll excuse me." She tried to close the door, but Kaito stopped it with his foot. "What do you want?" She asked irritably.

Ignoring her biting tone, Kaito asked, "Will you train me?"

Now Isane was really shocked beyond comprehension. "Are you for real?" She asked bitterly. "You've traumatized my Captain, scared the wits out of practically everyone in the 4th Division at some point for some reason, not to mention that you've been a jerk ever since you got here,"

"In my defense, I wasn't exactly what you could call "sane" at the time." Injected Kaito.

"And now you're asking me to train you?" Isane finished. "Are you out of your mind?"

"Not anymore," Shrugged Kaito. "I've gotten those parts of me in line now. So what do you say? Will you train me?"

Isane face faulted. "Did you not hear a word I just said?" She asked frantically.

"You said something about what a total ass I've been since arriving here. Since that was probably a bunch of reasons why you wouldn't train me, I'm inclined to take that as a no." Answered Kaito.

Now Isane was seriously confused. "If you could put all that together, then why did you still ask me to train you?" She asked, completely baffled.

"I just wanted to make sure." Shrugged Kaito. "May I come in?"

"What do you think?" Asked Isane, temper rising.

"I interpret all vague answers in whatever way I want to," Said Kaito as he let himself in, despite Isane's verbal, and physical protests. "So you may want to be a bit more specific the next time you want to shut someone out."

"What will it take to get rid of you?" Groaned Isane.

"Train me." Insisted Kaito stubbornly. "I have absolutely zero skills at kido and Flash Step, and I can't perform Shikai. For what I have planned, I need a partner who won't keep at least some of his power from me, at the very least a rudimentary level of skill at Flash Step, and as much knowledge as I can get on healing kido."

"Plan?" Asked Isane as curious as she was suspicious. "What kind of plan do you have?"

Smirking while fiddling with his goatee, Kaito answered. "Since I've been such a royal jackass these past few days, and I'm asking you to go out of your way to train me, I suppose I own you at least that much of an explanation, don't I?" Walking around Isane's room as if he belonged there, when a picture of Isane with Retsu caught his eyes he picked it up, much to Isane's protest. "My plan has two main goals. The first of which is to become Captain of the, currently Captain-less 9th Division."

That sent Isane reeling. She didn't know what she was expecting when she asked what his plans were. He could have just refused to tell her and say something cocky. Like it was none of her business. He could have actually answered her and tell her some weird, though still somewhat predictable plan. But she hadn't been expecting something so downright crazy.

"Are you... absolutely crazy?" Isane panicked. "You're talking about becoming Captain like it's some kind of walk in the park. There are all sorts of requirements to becoming a Captain. Not the least of which is amazing combat and leadership abilities. A Captain has to be stronger than the rest of their entire Division put together. The ability to use Bankai is practically a requirement, and learning how to use it can take over a hundred years, and even then it's unlikely you can learn it at all. Shinigami all over Seireitei dream of one day becoming a Captain, and their dreams are almost always crushed by the reality of how hard it is. How can you say something so bold so easily?"

**"Because without becoming a Captain, I'll never be able to achieve my life's dream."** Explained Kaito seriously as he put down the framed photo. _"I know that it will be very hard, some might even say impossible, for someone with so little experience compared to almost all other Shinigami in Seireitei to become a Captain so quickly._ **But if I don't at least try, I'll never know if I'm capable of at least this much."** Matching her gaze with his own, Kaito made certain that the resolve he held was firmly printed on his face. **"A Captain may have to be stronger than the rest of their entire Division put together, but I have to at least do something to move towards my dream."**

Now Isane knew that Kaito crazy. _'Does he honestly think he's the first person to say something like that?'_ She wondered. _'At least half of all Shinigami in Seireitei have dreams of reaching a high position. At least half of those Shinigami aspire to Captain at least once in their lives. But the sad truth is, out of the tens of thousands, or even hundreds of thousands of Shinigami in the entire history of the Gotei 13, which spans over 1,000 years, less than 100 Shinigami have ever made Captain.'_ She felt he anger at Kaito slowly dissolve, only to be replaced by pity. _'He really has no idea of the reality of just how impossible the task he's set out for himself is. All this time I thought he was smart, some kind of evil genius, but he's not much brighter than every other dreamer in the Gotei 13.'_

Seeing that Kaito clearly still didn't have his head on right, even though he'd been a jerk to her and her Captain for the past few days, she'd still feel bad if she didn't at least try to talk some sense into him. "Kaito, I don't think you understand just how hard it would be to-" She was cut off by the sound of Kaito snoring on his feet. "He fell asleep while I was talking?" She gaped in astonishment.

Suddenly, Kaito's snoring stopped short as he woke up, some drool still hanging out of his mouth. Looking around somewhat groggily and wiping his face, he noticed Isane, looking somewhat confused. "Did I just fall asleep?" Isane nodded. "Sorry, that just happens sometimes. Anyway, you were saying?"

Still reeling from his highly odd quirks, Isane continued. "Well, I was just saying how unlikely it was that you could become a Captain as easily as you make it sound." She explained, suddenly wondering how he had somehow changed her initial anger at him change into having a casual conversation, albeit one that was punctuated by his occasional odd, sometimes even unsettling quirks. "Most Shinigami would be more than satisfied, not to mention skilled, to just get to be a Seated Officer." She didn't know why she was actually trying to look out for a guy who'd caused her Captain so much pain and suffering. Maybe it was just because he looked so pathetic right now. "There are even times, admittedly very frequent times, when I'm unsure how I ever managed to become Lieutenant in the first place." She admitted shyly.

Tilting his head and he brushed his mustache and goatee in thought, Kaito soon came up with his rebuttal. "And yet you are a Lieutenant, and you don't look that far away from my age."

"That's just on the surface." Sighed Isane tiredly. "I'm actually over three hundred years old." Suddenly, Kaito put on his goggles and looked at her as if someone just had a very painful looking car crash in front of him. "What? Why are you making that face?" She asked self-consciously.

Treading carefully, Kaito responded. "Most women wouldn't openly admit to their age, especially when they're that old."

Now it was Isane's turn to look shocked. "Are you seriously focusing on that?"

Kaito shrugged nonchalantly. "I'm just saying. It's very weird for anyone to hear such a casual admittance of such an old age from a woman. Especially one who easily looks good enough to pass for much younger." He said before taking off his goggles, perfectly aware of the impact his comment would have.

"D-D-Don't say that kind of thing so casually!" Stuttered Isane, blushing like a schoolgirl, albeit a very tall schoolgirl. Twisting one of her braids nervously at the sudden complement, even if it had come from someone she was currently mad at. _'Where along the line did I go from furious to blushing at a simple compliment?'_ Shaking her head in frustration and a fit of nerves, Isane mustered the courage to speak again, but only in a light mutter. "Besides, girls are cuter if they're shorter. A tall girl like me is just a freak."

"Don't say things like that." Sighed Kaito, shaking his head in mild disappointment at her poor attitude. "So what if girls are cuter when they're shorter? My mom's short, and I don't think she's cute at all. Now tall girls, they have an edge over short girls. If short is cute by default, then tall is sexy by default, and most people prefer the latter anyway."

Now Isane was really red in the face. Had he actually just comforted her? Not to mention that he had called her sexy, which actually made her feel a bit worse. After all, when people in Seireitei thought sexy, the first image that usually came to mind was Rangiku, and no offense to her, but Isane didn't really want to be put in the same group of physical appeal as someone who showed off as much of their body as Rangiku. "B-But I wanna be cute, not s-s-sexy." She muttered.

"Well, I guess that's too bad for you." Shrugged Kaito. "Will there be any more questions before you start training me?"

"I never said that I was going to train you!" Huffed Isane indignantly. "...But now that you mention it, what was that other reason you wanted me to train you anyway?" She couldn't help herself from asking.

Smirking deviously as he slipped on his goggles, Kaito was glad to have a chance at having some real fun. "It's all a part of my highly complex plan to get into a three-way relationship with you and Retsu, of course." Seeing Isane literally get floored by his casual remark, even he had to admit that he may have gone a bit too far. "Are you alright?" He asked as he took off his goggles and held out a helping hand.

"Am I alright?-!" Outburst Isane, completely red, and once again furious with Kaito. "I should be asking that of you! I thought you were just joking about that! What could possibly motivate you to want something like that?-! Moreover, why do you want it with my Captain and I?-! We don't exactly get along with you, you know!"

"I know we don't get along." Grunted Kaito as he pulled Isane up, despite her protests. "But really, if you'd grown up with with the parents I have, you'd be surprised at the kinds of things you pick up over the years. As for the motivation and why I want it to be you two, you're both hot, and seem like decent enough people, so I figured, why not give it a shot."

Now Isane was really boiling. How dare this boy, hundreds of years her junior, try to treat her and her Captain like some kind of trophies to be won! "Look!" She exploded for once in her life. "I don't know who you think you are, but I refuse to be treated like this! So if you think that you can just waltz in and pick up any women you want just like that, I'll... I'll..." Isane froze for a second, remembering what she decided yesterday about not facing odds you couldn't win against, as well as recalling how easily Retsu had said Kaito defeated Hisagi-fukutaicho. "I'll make sure Unohana-taicho hears about this!" She knew it sounded pathetic, threatening to rat someone out, but she didn't know how else to go about it.

Instead of laughing at her floundering however, Kaito tilted his head in thought. "It seems that there's been a miscommunication." Realized Kaito. "When I say I want you two, I only mean I at least want to take a chance at both of you."

"Is there a difference?" Asked Isane sternly.

"You didn't let me finish," Scolded Kaito playfully. "Hell, you barely even let me start. When I say I want a shot with both of you, I'm saying I don't really know either of you well enough to be anywhere near a serious relationship. I see you as two beautiful women, both of whom seem like well adjusted individuals, and I'll readily admit that I'm highly attracted to both of you."

"Will you stop mentioning things like that?" Demanded a lightly blushing Isane.

"However, I can't honestly say I love either of you, since I barely know the two of you." Kaito continued. _"Unlike all of those awkward romance manga, I don't really think that love is something that is clear from the start,_ **or something that you have to go out and fight monsters or evil villains for.** It's much different than that. It's a bond of trust, kindness, and compassion made over time in a steadily built relationship. I won't say anything like I want you both with all of my heart, because I don't. However, I still think that you're both fine women worth taking the time and effort to see if there could one day be love."

Isane was speechless. This conversation had been going all over the map. Anger, embarrassment, concern, happiness, shock, confusion - especially confusion - and a myriad of other emotions tumbled about in her head over the course of the conversation. So much so, that she wasn't even sure which emotions she was feeling right now. However, there was one thing that she could see clearly, and that was how much thought Kaito had put into all of this. Even if it was slightly unnerving.

"Look," Began Isane, getting her bearings. "I'm really flattered by all of this, but are you really certain about all of this? I mean, say you somehow do manage to do... what it is you're planning to do," She blushed just thinking about it. "What guarantee would Unohana-taicho and I have that you wouldn't go out and find another woman to join in, and possibly break our hearts-Hypothetically speaking, of course!" She added hastily.

_"Most people would see the term 'Hypothetical', and any variations of the word to hint at something."_ Remarked Kaito, making Isane blush more madly. **"However, I am not 'Most people'.** I know you genuinely mean what you said. It's too soon for you to mean anything else." Isane sighed in relief. "As for your hypothetical question, your guarantee is in the question itself. If we do manage to reach that point, my feelings for both of you will be strong enough to keep me away from other women, and shut out any others trying to muscle in on me. Plus, having a strong relationship with both of you will give me even less reason to try something like that. Not to mention that having three people in a group relationship will make it so that there's always someone to talk to openly about any problems the other two may be having with each other at the time, greatly lessening the chance of separation."

In spite of the fact she still felt insulted, Isane had to admit that his logic was actually very sound. In fact, he was making a decent case for group romance as a whole.

With an eye twitching and Isane at a complete loss for words, she mentally sighed. "Do you have an answer to every question I could ask about this?"

"Not all of them," Answered Kaito playfully. "I only have answers to the same questions I asked Mr. Hitsugaya about the same subject a few years back."

Isane's jaw suddenly dropped in shock, as her eyes seemed to pop out of her head. "You mean... you heard all the answers you just gave me from Hitsugaya-taicho?"

"Not word for word, but pretty much." Admitted Kaito.

"Why would you even ask questions like that in the first place?" Gaped Isane.

"The guy and his wives were pretty much the local babysitters in Karakura Village." He shrugged. "These kinds of question were asked really frequently, and I've always been one to soak up things like a sponge. It even influenced my preferences in relationships."

Rubbing her temples in frustration, and reminding herself to have a serious discussion with Hitsugaya-taicho in the near future about what the kids learned from staying with his family, Isane relented. "Fine, I'll train you if you just leave me alone for now."

"Just like that?" Asked Kaito curiously. "I was expecting a bit more resistance out of you."

"Asking you about these things is tiring and pointless." Said Isane. "You keep talking me in circles, and I feel like I'm never going to get through your thick head."

_"I assure you, once we start my training, things will be more back and forth than a line of questioning."_ Reassured Kaito as he opened the door. "Meet me in the 5th Division whenever you feel ready. My dad has an area reserved just for me. Just ask around, you'll find it."

Once Kaito had gone, Isane sighed tiredly. "Why do I feel like I'm in way over my head?"

* * *

><p><strong>Training Montage - Day 1<strong>

Isane still couldn't believe that she was actually doing this. She knew that she agreed to do this, but she still had her doubts about this whole thing. Kaito seemed to be in better control of himself now, but she still had her doubts about all of this. It hadn't taken her very long to find out where Kaito was, having asked Kurosaki-taicho himself where the boy was. While he was slightly suspicious about her, he'd relented when she said that he'd asked her to train him. Apparently, Kaito had already told his parents about asking for her help, though his father couldn't really understand why he hadn't come to him or Rukia for help instead. Sadly, Isane was very much in the dark as well, though admittedly, she had a slightly better idea than the boy's parents.

"Alright now, Kaito," She began uncertainly. "I don't really have that much experience in teaching anything besides healing kido, so I'm not sure how I'll do at this."

"So long as it's you." Shrugged Kaito. "So where do we start?"

Actually smirking, Isane replied, "With this." She said as she vanished.

Before he knew what had hit him, Kaito was flying across the room and crashed into a wall. "Owww." He groaned as he rubbed his very sore cheek and head. **"What the hell was that for!"** He exploded.

Still smiling, Isane laughed mirthfully at Kaito. "You have no idea how much I've been wanting to do that."

_"Yes, that all very nice and good,"_ Accepted Kaito, who was straining to be polite. _"But please do keep in mind that I'm still quite inexperienced at Flash Steps. Perhaps we could start out this lesson with some of the basic mechanics of the technique first?"_

"That sounds like a good idea." Smirked Isane, making Kaito suspicious. "Keep in mind, this is my first time teaching things like this."

"Just so long as I can get fast enough to cop a feel before you can stop me, I'm satisfied." Said Kaito impulsively.

Irritation showing on her face, Isane quickly collected herself. "Well, this time I'll move a bit slower, so see if you can keep up with my movements this time." She disappeared again, but this time Kaito was able to see some movement and roll with the blow a bit before getting pounded in the face again.

**"You're having a bit too much fun with this training!"** Raged Kaito, who had avoided hitting the wall again.

Isane, meanwhile, was actually somewhat impressed. _'Amazing. I didn't decrease my speed at all from the last time with that attack, but he was able to actually see it and lessen the damage.'_

**"Why you little bastard!"** Exploded Kaito. **"I heard that you giant woman!"**

It was then, with no small amount of embarrassment, that Isane realized that she had spoken her thoughts aloud. It was made all the worse by his remark about her height.

This routine of Isane pummeling Kaito, and him getting better and better at rolling with the blows continued - as well as dishing out insults - for several hours, until he had finally managed to completely dodge attacks from Isane at full speed.

* * *

><p><strong>Training Montage - Day 2<strong>

"Um... Kaito?" Questioned Isane of someone with their head wrapped entirely in bandages, though she could easily tell it was him by the facial hair poking through the gaps and the various eyepieces.

"What do you think?" Grunted Kaito, though the bandages muffled his voice, causing Isane to chuckle at his plight. "So what pain and torture will I go through today, oh great pain in the ass?"

"Hey, you brought this on yourself." Scolded Isane.

"I was just verbal, you're the one who got physical." Glared Kaito.

"I think today we should focus on actually teaching you Flash Steps." Suggested Isane.

**"Good, because I want some payback for yesterday!"** Smirked Kaito, but his bandages just made his face look funny to Isane. **"Stop laughing at me!"**

"I'm sorry," Laughed Isane. "But you just look too funny for me to take seriously." Suddenly, before she knew what had hit her, Isane was flying through the air and slammed into the wall. "What the?-!"

"Not so funny when it's your ass flat on the ground, is it?" Chuckled Kaito.

"How did you do that?" Asked Isane in astonishment.

_"Do you honestly believe that I was just going to sit around after you left yesterday?"_ Asked Kaito. _"I studied your movements yesterday, and did my best to replicate them. _So what's my grade, teach?"

Shaking the stars out of her head, Isane glared bitterly at Kaito. "Well, since you had to use a dirty trick to hit me, I'd say you only get a C-."

**"Fuck you! **Which I'd be more than happy to do if given the chance!" Yelled Kaito.

Blushing madly, Isane lashed out at Kaito. "Keep your dirty thought to yourself!" She shouted as both of them started using a combination of bokken and Flash Steps to practice fighting.

It was dark by the time they realized that, in their adrenalin fueled anger, they had fought for several hours, skipping two meals, and had been fighting while using Flash Steps as if it were second nature.

* * *

><p><strong>Training Montage - Day 6<strong>

Isane was actually quite impressed with Kaito's progress. He'd gone from hopelessly incompetent at flash steps, to just slightly below her level in less than a week, and even better than her at fighting at that speed. However, all that fighting had clearly taken its toll on Kaito, as evidenced by all of the bandages currently covering most of his body. His mummified appearance never once ceased to make her laugh whenever they started his lessons, which lead to arguments, insults, brawling, and eventually casual conversation and apologies after all was said and done.

_'I'm just afraid that I'll wind up like some mindless brawler from the 11th Division.'_ Isane worried as she laughed at Kaito's new, half mummified face, which only exposed his right eye, lips, and facial hair.

"Ha-ha, laugh it up." Grumbled Kaito. "You do know that you're gonna look even worse than I do after we get done today."

Finally managing to stifle her laughter, Isane shook her head. "No, we won't be doing any fighting today."

"So what will we be doing?" Asked Kaito as he tossed aside the bokken he'd been holding, sounding almost disappointed at not being able to fight.

"Well, you said that you wanted to know about healing kido." Smiled Isane. "So I thought we could get to work on that."

"Works for me." Shrugged Kaito. "Just so long as we can get back to work on Flash Steps and fighting soon enough. I'm not satisfied with the level I'm at yet."

* * *

><p><strong>Training Montage - Day 13<strong>

**"I'm getting sick and tired of this!"** Shouted Kaito as he failed once again at healing kido. **"We've been at this for a week, and it's still not working! What the hell am I doing wrong?"**

"Don't yell at me!" Shouted Isane back. "It's not my fault that you're not getting this as quickly as you did everything else! It just must be one of your weak points." Normally she wouldn't raise her voice like this, but somehow Kaito had a way of bringing out both the best and worst of her.

_"I'm terribly sorry about all that."_ Apologized Kaito. _"It's simply that I've always been able to find the simplest solutions to everything, and right now, I'm at quite a loss as to how to go about all of this."_

"That's fine." Sighed Isane. "It just means that you need a bit more practice in this area." Taking his hands in hers, they started to glow. "Here, I'll use my healing kido on your hands, so you can get a feel for what it should be like."

"Alright then." Replied Kaito calmly as he gave Isane's hands a squeeze, bringing a small blush to her face.

_'Wait a second!'_ Panicked Isane. _'Why am I getting flustered over this? It's just Kaito's hands in mine. For that matter, why am I teaching him at all? He's been nothing but trouble for both me and Unohana-taicho since he first got here, and now I'm teaching him at his request, and I'm embarrassed just by being in contact with him! What's wrong with me? He even said that he was planning to seduce both me and Unohana-taicho, and here I am, falling right into his trap!'_ Trying to remove her hands from his, she found that he was still holding onto them tightly. "You can let go now." She insisted as she tried again, only to get the same result.

"I think I figured out what I was doing wrong." Remarked Kaito coolly as his hands started glowing. "Is this right? Feel free to tell me if I'm doing it wrong again."

In spite of the fact that her tongue was tied and she desperately wanted to get away now, Isane had to admit that he was actually getting it right. "Y-Yes, that's very good. Now do you think that you could let go of me?" This was so wrong, he's basically a monster is Shinigami skin.

"No thank you." Muttered Kaito calmly as he pulled Isane's hands slightly closer. "I'm fine with the way things are right now, thank you."

Isane couldn't believe it, someone was actually putting the moves on her! Nobody had ever approached her before like Kaito was clearly doing. She had always attributed that to her size, which Kaito had admitted himself was one of the main reasons he found her attractive. "K-Kaito! Please stop this right now! I know what you're doing!"

"Do you now?" Remarked Kaito as he leaned in closer. "And tell me, what do you think I'm doing?"

"It's obvious!" Panicked Isane as she scooted back. "You're clearly trying to seduce me, just like you said you wanted to!"

"Remind me, when did I ever say that I wanted to seduce you?" Asked Kaito as he moved forward again. "All I said was that I wanted a chance with you and Retsu."

"Well you're seducing me now!" Panicked Isane as she scooted back until she hit the wall. "And you know you are, so don't try to deny it!"

"Really?" Remarked Kaito as he kept moving forward. "Are you saying that I'm pulling a cliched seduction tactic right out of some cheesy seinen or josei manga? Are you saying that I'm trying to make you panic and second guess all of your thoughts? Are you saying that I plan to make you so hot that you won't be able to control yourself as I ravish you?" He was right in front of Isane by this point.

"Yes. Yes. Yes. YES!" Shouted Isane as she tried to push him away, but to no avail. Kaito had gotten too strong from his life of training, especially since she had agreed to teach him. She had dug her own grave! She braced herself for what was sure to be something that would get Kaito arrested as soon as she got word out about it. But all she felt was a peck on her forehead, and nothing more. "Huh?" She wondered as she opened her eyes to see Kaito looking at her with a bored, though slightly amused expression.

Blinking a few times at her with a bored scowl to build the tension, Kaito remarked, "For the record; I got that seduction tactic out of a shonen manga. I only did it to make you panic, because I know that I your opinion of me is too set in your mind to second guess your thoughts about me. And I would never take advantage of you like that. If I genuinely want to make a three-way relationship with you and Retsu work, I have to be able to control myself and show that I care for and can take care of both of you." With a satisfied nod, Kaito waited for her response.

Blinking several times in confusion, Isane finally relented with a sigh. "Fine, I'll give you a chance. But you had better make sure you treat both of us right. Or at least me right if you can't get Unohana-taicho as well, which you probably won't, and that definitely includes not trying to push any issues. So if you try anything, I'm leaving!"

"I wouldn't dream of it, Isane." Reassured Kaito with a slight grin. "Like I said, relationships are things that you build on over time. I wouldn't dream of taking things too far too fast. Well actually, I would dream of it, but I'll make sure to keep it all building up in my head until both of your are ready for the wildest and craziest night of your lives!"

"Kaito..." Began Isane tensely. "HENTAI!" *SLAP*

Rubbing the tender, red, hand-shaped mark on his cheek dully, Kaito had only one thought on his mind. _'She's sexy, cute, sweet, shy, and feisty. Overall, she's quite a catch.'_

* * *

><p>Finally, I'm done with this chapter! Look forward to the last three chapters in the story! And yes, I am down to three chapters. I have the whole thing planned out, but I'm not so good at following through, so please be patient with me. I promise I'll get it all out eventually, and then I'll get to work on something else, so make sure that you vote on my poll for what you want to see next!<p> 


	11. Chapter 11

Hello again. I'm bored out of my skull, so I hope you like this. There, I have nothing else to say.

* * *

><p><strong>Training Montage - Day 14<strong>

"Alright now," Began Isane. "You've gotten Flash Steps, high speed combat, and healing kido down."

"Don't forget the training I've already gotten in other kido during my down time - which I had quite a bit of in the hospital - and smooth-talking you into giving me a shot." Smirked Kaito.

"Right." Agreed a blushing Isane awkwardly. "So all that's left on your list now is to learn your Shikai. And given how much trouble that's given you over the years..."

_"I will not be having an easy time with this."_ Finished Kaito.

"Do you have any idea what could be causing you problems with conversing with your Zanpakuto?" Questioned Isane.

"Well, when I was traumatized by Retsu - no offense - I remember seeing a giant snake going through extreme torture." Answered Kaito thoughtfully.

"Why would that have anything to do with it?" Wondered Isane. "That may have been your Zanpakuto. But you've been having this problem for years, and Unohana-taicho only hurt you a few weeks ago."

"It doesn't have anything to do with it," Kaito shook his head. "But what the giant snake said has plenty to do with it. Based on his words, he was apparently deliberately giving me the silent treatment for years."

"Why would a Zanpakuto withhold their power from their wielder on purpose?" Pondered Isane. "If there's a problem with communication between the two, it's usually the wielder's fault."

**"I have absolutely no fucking clue."** Grumbled Kaito. **"But the little bastard said he'd stop holding back when I saw him getting what he deserved for holding out on me."**

"Don't say things like that about your own Zanpakuto!" Outburst Isane, startling Kaito before she calmed down. "A Shinigami is supposed to work together with their Zanpakuto. They should never wish anything bad to happen to each other, and they certainly shouldn't be glad when it happens."

"You sound like you really know what you're talking about." Complimented Kaito.

"Well, I do get along pretty well with my Zanpakuto." Said Isane, a slight blush tinting her cheeks. "It's pretty much a requirement for getting so far in the Gotei 13. The better you get along with your Zanpakuto, the stronger both of you will be."

"And yet, I outmatch you after just two extra weeks of training, and I've never even said two words to my Zanpakuto." Grinned a very cheeky looking Kaito.

A tick-mark appeared on Isane's forehead. "I don't recall you ever beating me in any of our fights." She insisted irritably.

**"Well maybe I oughta start right now!"** Fumed Kaito hotly as he grabbed his Zanpakuto.

"Let's see if you can." Isane challenged as she grabbed her own Zanpakuto. "Just be warned, I've never used my Shikai on you until now. Run! Itegumo!" She called as her Zanpakuto split at the guard to form three blades on one sword.

* * *

><p><strong>Training Montage - 4 Hours Later<strong>

Isane was panting heavily, and had a few burns, several cuts, and a few bruises. But she was glad that she had finally beaten Kaito once more. Looking down at his unconscious, partially frozen body, Isane had only one thing on her mind. _'I've never seen kido used like that before! He was using Bakudo offensively for crying out loud! He should be signing up for the Kido Corps, not the Gotei 13! I was barely able to win, even with my Shikai!'_ Silently, she contemplated reporting Kaito's obvious aptitude for kido to Yamamoto-sotaicho, and recommending that he be placed in the Kido Corps immediately, but placed such thoughts aside for the moment.

_'It's really not my place to be telling him where to go.'_ Thought Isane._ 'He's been forced to change a lot about his lifestyle already, and even though part of me would be glad to have him gone, the rest of me just can't do it. I'll tell him about the Kido Corps when he wakes up and let him make the call.'_

* * *

><p><strong>Kaito's Inner World - Same Time<strong>

Kaito's head was aching. Last thing he remembered was getting into a fight with Isane, getting frozen by her Shikai, and now he had a headache. "Oh wait, I've caught up to the present." Kaito realized.

**"No shit, genius!"** Barked Kaito's own voice, but sounding very annoyed.

_"Now, now. There's no need to get so riled up over such business."_ Came a much calmer version of his voice.

"Hey, look! It's nut job in surround sound." Said an excited, though also slightly crazy sounding, version of his voice.

"Will you weird voices in my head just leave me alone?" Pleaded Kaito.

**"We're not in your head, dipshit!"** Barked the annoyed voice again, but this time he sounded downright angry.

_"Please try to be a bit more civil with our self. This will likely be quite a lot for him to take in."_ Said the calm voice.

"Open your eyes already!" Demanded the crazy voice. "I wanna see your reaction to us, and so do the readers!"

Straining to open his eyes and get himself upright as the angry voice demanded of the crazy voice stop his crazy talk about readers and how this was all fictional, Kaito noticed, to no surprise whatsoever, that three versions of himself were standing before him.

The angry one was tinted various shades of red in color, and had his triangle shades on as his only eyepiece. The calm one was tinted various shades of blue in color, and had his monocle on as his only eyepiece. While the crazy one-

"-Is totally grey in color, and had his 3D goggles on as his only eyepiece!" Said the crazy one, finishing the narration. "Yet for some reason, the 3D goggles were still blue and red."

**"Who the hell are you talking to, Crazy!"** Demanded the red one.

_"I implore you to reign your temper in better, Red." _Pleaded the blue one. _"You can't expect us to win over Retsu with an attitude like that."_

**"Shut the hell up, Blue!"** Rebutted Red. **"Women appreciate men of a colorful character!"**

"That's right." Agreed Crazy. "And we sure are a bunch of colorful characters. Ah ha ha ha ha ha! I made a funny!"

**"I'll turn your head into a funny if you don't shut the hell up!"** Demanded Red.

"Not that this isn't completely hilarious," Interjected Kaito. "But would someone mind explaining what exactly is going on here? I get the general idea about who you three are, but the specifics of where I am, and how you three have bodies of your own escape me."

_"He does have a point, as I've tried to mention several times now."_ Said Blue in an 'I'm-better-than-all-of-you' tone.

**"You got something to say, Blue, soon to be Black-and-Blue?"** Growled Red as he rolled up his sleeves.

"Red vs. Blue! The ultimate internet meme come to life!" Crazy cheered. "Now all I need is a monkey with a beard who can draw manga with his feet, and a three-way with Retsu and Isane, and all my dreams will have come true! I could go on all day, but the writer likes to keep each chapter around 5,000 words in length, and we have a fight scene coming up, so let's move on, shall we?"

**"Shut-up about that! We are not characters in some story!"** Barked Red.

"Enough!" Came several very loud voices from all around. "Will you all focus on the task at hand here?"

"Great, damaged eardrums. Just what I needed." Muttered Kaito sarcastically as he turned around, seeing snake heads all around him, eight in total. "Don't you think you have too many heads? I seem to recall my Zanpakuto being a giant one headed snake, not Yamata no Orochi."

"How did he know our name?" "How did he know we were his Zanpakuto?" "Who told him our name?" "How did he know what we use to look like?" "All of you, shut-up!" One head cut through the voices of all of the rest. "We'll never be able to accomplish anything if all you seven can do is be stupid! Now I'll try to sort through everything with him, but you'll all have to be quite while I'm doing this. Do you all understand?" There were several mumbles of reluctant agreement, and then silence.

"Now then," Began the head that had taken charge as it took a more regal stance. "You'll have to forgive the rest of these idiots. So many of them sprouted up at once, they're all rather stupid, and it's quite a task to get them all to focus on one thing." Their were several groans of complaints from the other heads.

"No problem, really." Shrugged Kaito. "I get that they're all stupid, but I wanna know why you aren't."

"I was here first." Said the smart head proudly. "And then you had to go and upset the wrong person, and these idiots showed up." More complaints from the other heads, including a few who couldn't follow what was happening.

"Roses are red. Violets are blue. We have Split Personalities. No we don't, we have Dissociative Identity Disorder. Make up your mind about what we have already! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!" Cut in Crazy. "Will you cut that out! The readers can't follow any of this!"

**"Shut-up!"** Demanded Red, as he and Blue both clamped Crazy's mouth shut. _"Even if we did have anybody reading about us, I believe that they can piece together everything on their own."_ Added Blue.

"Well..." Began Yamata no Orochi hesitantly. "Disregarding those three, I think that we'd better establish a few things first."

"Like how I knew your name was Yamata no Orochi before you even had a chance to tell me?" Ventured Kaito.

"Well, yes. There's that." Nodded several of Yamata no Orochi's heads.

"I know my way around Japanese mythology." Deadpanned Kaito. "Not to mention, I've also played Okami, and you eight look just like Yamata no Orochi from that game. You even have the little garden and bell on your back... Which is where I'm standing right now. Is this all there is to my inner world, or is there more than just you and your back? Because right now I'm feeling very limited."

"Um..." Hesitated a few heads of Yamata no Orochi. "This is all there is, okay?" Hissed the main head. "So you're just going to have to make do."

"Fine," Sighed Kaito. "So why did you finally decide to talk to me? You haven't even tried to talk to me my entire life up until now. So what's the occasion?"

"No occasion. It's simply that you're finally ready." Said the main head in an attempt to look wise.

"Yeah, right!" Said Crazy sarcastically. "I heard your other heads gossiping before the main Kaito woke up. You just didn't want to let Kaito use your powers because you liked everything to be old fashioned, while Kaito is more modern in his tastes."

"Shut-up!" Demanded the main head. "That is not why I was withholding my power from Kaito!" Kaito could tell by his tone and body language that he was lying. "Besides, there is still much to discuss-"

"Just tell me your release command and I'll get out of your scales already." Deadpanned Kaito impatiently. "I get the feeling that you don't want me here any more than I want to be here."

"It is not so simple as that, young Kaito." Began Orochi's main head. "We must first see how well you can manage on your own." As he said this, a sword fell in front of Kaito as his three duplicates each pulled out swords of their own.

Picking up the sword in front of him with a bored expression, Kaito looked at Orochi with a disappointed look in his eyes. "Really? Me against my mental counterparts without the use of my own Zanpakuto? This is really the best you could come up with?" Kaito shook his head sadly. "You do know that my dad told me about how he went through pretty much the same thing when he was around my age?" Many of the Orochi heads began to panic, until the main one shut them up, confirming Kaito's suspicions. "You do realize that I've always wanted to connect with you? I don't need any epiphany via some cliched shonen battle to wanna get along with you. You don't have to make me do this three-on-one battle on your back. Which, while it is a very nice garden, is admittedly too small to have such a battle in the first place. And what's with that 'young Kaito' shit? You're my Zanpakuto. We're you born at the same time as me?"

"Enough of this!" Demanded Orochi angrily, though he quickly regained his composure. "That may have been your father's story, and how his Zanpakuto handled things, but this is your life, your inner world, and I'm your Zanpakuto. So as I was saying-"

"You do realize, pretending to be smart and all knowing really doesn't work for you, right?" Asked Kaito, cutting off his Zanpakuto. "I heard you screaming when Retsu attacked me. I know how pathetic and cowardly you really are."

"Now wait right there-!"

"You're just like me." Said Kaito knowingly. "Look at me. I may know what my plan is, and be willing to go through with it, but it still terrifies me to think of doing something so crazy-"

"You're welcome!" Joked Crazy.

"Anyway," Continued Kaito. "The fact is, all of you are all extensions of me, as well as your own people. In other words, there's a little of me in each of you. So I know that you're a bunch of bloody cowards who're sick and tired of constantly being in the shadows of our big shot parents."

**"Shut your fucking mouth before I shut it for you!"** Demanded Red. **"I'm about this close to ripping you a new one!"**

_"But then you'd be harming yourself as well."_ Reminded Blue.

"May I continue?" Asked Kaito, receiving several nods. "Good. Now as I was saying, we're all sick and tired of being matched up against our parents. For fucks sake, my dad's like some superhero, even by Captain standards, and he made Captain at the youngest age in history. My mom's a member of one of the 4 most powerful noble houses in all of Seireitei, even if it is by adoption, and a shaky one at best. And you, Orochi. Since you're my Zanpakuto, I'd venture to guess that my parents Zanpakutos are your parents, and you're just as upset by the comparison as I am."

Glaring fiercely at an unshaken Kaito for several second, Orochi quickly deflated. "Fine. I admit it. I hate everyone else always looking at me for what my parents did instead of what I'm capable of. I'm my own Zanpakuto, damn it! I'm not my parents! But what do we do about it? Like you said, we're all cowards when you get right down to it."

"True." Accepted Kaito. "But just like Ulysses S. Grant, who won the Civil War through being a self-aware drunk, we can win by being a bunch of self-aware cowards."

A silent goal and agreement was set.

* * *

><p><strong>The Next Day - Outside the 9th Division<strong>

Kaito had recovered quickly, mostly due to a combination of Ginto - Quincy devices used to store Reiryoku - that he'd stolen from Mr. Ishida's house one day, and his new skills at healing kido. He also stole several other things over the course of his early life, such as manga and video games. He really couldn't help it, when he wanted something and knew he could get away with taking it, he did so. His name literally meant thief after all. And now here he was, at the gates of the 9th Division.

"Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello." Said Kaito over and over as he kept knocking on the gates.

"What is it?-!" Asked some angry looking guy as he and four others answered the gate. "If you have something to say to someone here, just come in instead of knocking on the gate like some idiot!"

"Oh really? It's that simple?" Asked Kaito, deliberately trying to sound like an idiot. "In that case, I'd like to apply for the position as your new Captain if you don't mind."

The five guys just stared at Kaito like he was crazy for several seconds, before bursting out laughing. "Are you fucking nuts?" Asked one of the men at the gates. "Of course he is! He just waltzes right up to the front gate thinking he can become a Captain! He's gotta be flat out crazy!" Said another. "Wait, wait! Somebody take a picture of this idiot so we can show everyone!" Said another.

* * *

><p><strong>Three Seconds Later<strong>

"What a bunch of morons." Remarked Kaito as he put away his Zanpakuto, five bloody and unconscious bodies littering the floor. "I asked them politely, and the didn't even consider reporting my request to their superiors before laughing at me. At least that's five down, and about 225 to go."

"Hey! What happened here?" Shouted someone as ten people came around the corner. Noticing Kaito and the blood splattered across his uniform, they all drew their Zanpakuto. "Did you have something to do with this?"

"Yes." Answered Kaito as he pulled out his own Zanpakuto. "And now I'm going to beat the shit out of you too. Bakudo Number 4 - Hainawa!" As he said this, a rope of light materialized, but instead of binding the arms of a target like it usually would, it coated his Zanpakuto. Before the ten obviously novice Shinigami could properly defend themselves, Kaito dashed around and through their formation, the stream of light trailing behind him. "You're all going to get cut now." Said Kaito, as he linked his Zanpakuto to the other end of the stream of light, completing his circuit, and sending the normally harmless binding rope slamming into the ten Shinigami, cutting them with the Bakudo, sharpened by his Zanpakuto, and sending them spiraling onto the ground, writhing in pain as the light cut their struggling bodies further. "Don't worry, it'll dissipate in five minutes."

_9th Division - 15 down - About 215 to go._

* * *

><p><strong>Five Minutes Later<strong>

As an alarm went off and Kaito heard the sound of a swarm of footfalls rushing towards the center of the complex, he found himself severely disappointed with the level of security in this place. "Really? It took them this long to get word out about a hostile intruder? I've already taken down 52 guys since getting in here, I've already had plenty of time to heal whatever minor injuries I've gotten with the Reiryoku I've stored in these weird Quincy things, and I haven't even had to break out any kido over level 40 yet. Do these idiots honestly think that a mindless Zerg Rush is going to get them anywhere against a skilled opponent, or do they really not have anywhere close to enough time to train? I'm really gonna have to change that once I send them all packing to the 4th Division and make Captain of this division."

"Not gonna happen!" Shouted some idiot who tried to strike Kaito from behind, only to get a Byakurai to the face and a slash across the chest.

"Get him!" Shouted some other idiot as he and six other guys rushed at Kaito all at once.

"Bakudo Number 37 - Tsuriboshi!" Said Kaito as he struck his Zanpakuto into the ground, slashed two guys who tried to cut him down in quick succession. Then he ducked under two other slashes and struck one guy across the chest, and the other down his back. The remaining three tried to rush him all at once, but he just Flash Stepped out of the way, stabbed one in the back of the leg, another in the arm, and he parried the last one before cutting him in the shoulder.

"Hey!" "What's going on?" "What is this stuff?" Asked the struggling idiots as they tried to get out of the binding spell they'd been trapped in, only to get even more stuck because of their struggling.

"It's a simple, level 37 binding spell." Explained Kaito. "Only I infused my Zanpakuto with it instead of launching it at you, so that just getting cut with it once will attach a thread to you, and the more people I strike, and the more they struggle, the more they get stuck. Also, if you're going for a sneak attack, don't shout some stupid line like some idiot. Make sure to take notes, because I'll be expecting you all to be practicing this once I become your new Captain."

_9th Division - 60 down - About 170 to go_

* * *

><p><strong>Twelve Minutes Later<strong>

_"These men are persistent, I'll give them that much."_ Admitted Kaito as he struck down three more people at once with one swing from another swing from a Tsuriboshi infused Zanpakuto, sending them struggling onto the ground with 12 other guys. **"But that's all the shit I'll give them besides a beating. 'Cause they're all fucking idiots! Hado Number 32 - Okasen!"** He spat as he cut down four more guys with an arc of kido, one of which had earlier boasted about being 5th Seat. "I want a turn! I want a turn! Bakudo Number 62 - Hyapporanakn!" He shouted excitedly as he fired off one blade, which quickly split into many others.

"How is he doing this?" "That's not how those spells work!" "Why is Kurosaki-taicho's own kid attacking us?" "That's the Kurosaki kid? What is that man teaching his kids?" Complained several Shinigami before they were quickly taken down.

"You really went all out with that one, didn't you?" Kaito asked of himself as he tried to catch his breath and use the Quincy devices to replenish his reiatsu and heal his wounds after using such a powerful attack. _"I really think we need to set a limit on how high a level of kido we can use in this raid."_ **"Why bother? We took them down? That's over half of the whole damn division already, and we've only gotten a few minor scrapes and blasts from some amateur kdio users." **"I wanna talk! Fish paste!" "Let's just heal up and go find some more opponents." Kaito decided as he walked away from the field of injured and trapped Shinigami.

_9th Division - 132 down - About 98 to go_

* * *

><p><strong>Twenty-Two Minutes Later<strong>

"I started out today, fully prepared to face off against an entire division of elite warriors, but what I get instead is a vastly over-hyped Red Shirt Army." Remarked Kaito in utter boredom as he took a seat atop a pile of unconscious, bleeding, and/or in pain Shinigami. Whereas he only had a few injuries, which he couldn't heal due to running out of spare Reiryoku in the Ginto. "I'm beginning to understand why my dad and his friends had such an easy time breaking into this place and beating the tar outta pretty much everyone here when they were younger than me. These guys are flat out pathetic."

"Is that so?" Asked a seething voice from behind as someone tried to place a blade up against Kaito's neck, but he dodged too quickly.

_9th Division - 230 down - 1 to go_

"Hello again, uh..." Trailed off Kaito as he couldn't quite remember who this guy was. "Yakuza-san?" He guessed based on the man's copious tattoos and scars.

"I see you're about as good at remembering people as your father." Spat Hisagi.

**"Don't you dare compare me to that bastard!"** _"Are you really the only one left here? Because I'm severely disappointed with the poor standards of my future subordinates."_ "I once had a dream about kids taking down an evil dictatorship from in a public bathroom!" Kaito went for confusion tactics as he took advantage of Hisagi's bafflement to draw his Zanpakuto. "What took you so long anyway? Aren't you in charge here while there's no Captain? Shouldn't you have tracked me down from the beginning instead of letting me mow down your subordinates?"

"I was at a meeting." Scorned Hisagi as he charged at Kaito, who barely had time to deflect the strike aimed at him. "Why did you do this? What weird goal do you have in attacking an entire division? What do you hope to accomplish?" He pressed as he continued to strike against Kaito.

"You really don't know how to listen, do you?" Panicked Kaito as he deflected and dodged the rain of strikes against him. "I said quite clearly that - Ah! Don't do that!" He panicked as he jumped back from a strike aimed at his legs. "I said quite clearly that I plan to become Captain of this division."

"By attacking everyone in it?" Growled Hisagi. "Bakudo Number 61 - Rikujokoro!"

Kaito, already knowing the effects of the spell, quickly crouched to the ground and avoided the six beams of light. "Not bad, but it works better if you do it like this. Bakudo Number 61 - Rikujokoro!" He commanded as six beams of light surrounded the tip of his Zanpakuto a began spinning like a buzz saw.

"What the-?" Hisagi barely had time to wonder and dodge before Kaito swung the spinning blades at him, nicking his torso and shredding through his flesh. "Damn it!" He cursed under his breath.

_"To answer your earlier question, yes, I do plan to become Captain this way."_ Said Kaito calmly as he held the spinning blades in front of him. _"Normally you can become Captain by defeating the previous Captain in front of 200 or more of their subordinates. But since this division doesn't currently have a Captain, and Captains are said to be stronger than the rest of their division put together..."_

"You're planning to prove yourself by taking down this entire division." Realized Hisagi.

**"Not a very hard thing to do, by the way."** Smirked Kaito. **"This entire place is filled with weaklings. Once I'm in charge, you're going to have to do a lot of training under my watch. I can't believe how pathetic 230 people can be! Or maybe I'm just that badass."**

"You'll never lead the 9th Division so long as I draw breath! Bakudo Number 61 - Rikujokoro!" Growled Hisagi as a buzz saw of energy surrounded the tip of his Zanpakuto and he charged at Kaito again.

"I can work with that!" Said Kaito excitedly as he got rid of the buzz saw surrounding his Zanpakuto. "Bakudo Number 37 - Tsuriboshi!" He said, sending a sticky net of kido flying at Hisagi, getting his buzz saw and himself tangled up in the goop, as well as adding a few bruises to his body from the speed the saw was spinning at. "By the way. I don't always coat my Zanpakuto with the kido I use. Sometimes I use it the way the creator intended it to be used."

"Damn it!" Growled Hisagi as he struggled to get out of the goop. "Hado Number 31 - Shakkaho!" He shouted to make an explosion, causing some damage to himself, but also getting rid of the goop. "Reap - Kazeshini!" He cried before the smoke cleared, and jumped out of the smoke cloud, dual wielding bizarre, double bladed scythes. Swinging both blades at Kaito, he responded quickly.

"Fall Down Drunk - Yamata no Orochi!"

* * *

><p><strong>32 Minutes Later<strong>

Word of the attack against the 9th Division quickly got around once people managed to recover and get word to the surrounding divisions. Before long, several Captains, including the Captain Commander himself had arrived on the scene to deal with the attack. What the Captains saw when they got there, shocked them all.

"Kaito!" Panicked Ichigo as he saw his beaten and bloodied son sitting atop an even more beaten, bloodied, and also unconscious Hisagi.

"What exactly do you think you're doing, Kurosaki?-!" Demanded Yamamoto angrily.

"So this kid managed to beat the shit out of an entire division?" Smirked Kenpachi maliciously. "Now I really wanna fight him!"

Smirking through his blood coated face, Kaito managed one sentence. "So, I think this makes me Captain of this division, wouldn't you agree?" Having said his two cents, he passed out.

Everone present and still conscious just stared at the sleeping boy for several seconds. Nobody knowing exactly what to say or do in response to his last comment. Especially since he'd passed out immediately after saying it.

"I suppose this means he'll be staying in the 4th Division for awhile again." Sighed Retsu.

If anyone had been paying attention, they would have seen the smile appear on Kaito's sleeping face.

* * *

><p>Finally, I'm done with this chapter. And I must say, I'm rather pleased with how it turned out all things considered. Sorry you didn't get to see what Kaito's Shikai looked like, but I promise, it'll be in the next chapter. Anyway, that's 11 Chapters down, and 2 to go. Look forward to it!<p> 


	12. Chapter 12

Hello again! Here's another fucking chapter for your enjoyment. I hope you all appreciate all the work that I put into this shit, because based on the review count, it really doesn't sound like you do! Sorry if I sound a bit pissed off right now, but I've been playing a lot of No More Heroes lately to blow off some stress, and it's having a very colorful impact on my vocabulary.

* * *

><p><strong>4th Division - 3 Hours Later<strong>

Kaito currently felt very lightheaded and wasn't inclined to get up from his sleeping position at this point, even though he was technically awake now. Largely because he'd heard how furious Captain Senile was upon seeing the extent of the damage Kaito had caused to the 9th Division. Sometimes it really paid to be able to hear in your sleep, because it also allows you to think and plan at the same time.

He had, of course, expected the old man's reaction. Therefor, he had planned for a very large safety net by telling pretty much everyone in the 9th Division he cut down - which was everyone in the 9th Division - about his plan to become its' new Captain this way. Knowing how stupid these people were, at least one of them who was still awake would explain his reasoning behind the attack to the old man long before any execution or other punishment would take place, likely thinking that it would harm his case rather than help it. And even if someone had managed to keep a lid on everyone, he'd still explained to his dad that he had a plan to become the new Captain of the 9th Division, but left out most of the details. His father, being a Captain himself, would obviously be able to piece together his plan once he'd gotten wind of what happened.

So, for the last three hours, Kaito had been laying still. Unconscious for the bulk of the meeting between the Captains - or at least that's what they called it. Kaito personally thought it was much closer to a barely contained explosion just waiting to happen - he really had no choice but to listen in on the conversation - if it could be called that - between the Captains of the Gotei 13. And all in all, it had gone much like he expected.

Sometime between the conclusion of their meeting and his arrival to the 4th Division, he'd woken up, but elected to remain quiet for a bit longer. _'After all,'_ Thought the sleeping Kaito._ 'They seemed to have been stupid enough to forget about my ability to hear in my sleep so far, why give them reason to stop saying things they might not want me to hear now? Eavesdropping was fun after all, unless it involved my parents and the various noises that had kept me up at night for a few months when I was younger...'_

But that's a story from long ago, and one not suited for public reading.

"You can stop faking now, Kaito." Sounded a familiar voice. "I know you're awake."

Opening his eyes slowly, so as to get accustomed to the light, Kaito put on his goggles. "What gave me away? My pulse? Women's intuition? The fact that I'm taking right now and more or less just gave myself away?"

"The second one." Remarked Retsu. "But any one of those reasons could have given you away just as easily."

**"You do know those other Captains are stupid, right?"** Smirked Kaito. **"Captain Senile forgot I could hear in my sleep.**_ That, or he was intentionally talking around me for some reason. _If he's standing right behind me, I am gonna scream like a little girl! Not really. But seriously, is he behind me?" A loud cough gave him his answer. "Thought so. Dad too?" Retsu nodded. "How bad's the damage?"

"Not nearly as bad as the last time you came in here." Growled Ichigo with barely contained anger. "What the hell do you think you were doing, anyway?"

"I seem to recall telling you that this morning." Deadpanned Kaito.

"I 'recall' you telling me you planned to become a Captain," Seethed his dad. "But I thought you meant like in a hundred years or so. Not by going out and butchering an entire Division."

"Then that's your fault for making assumptions." Said Kaito seriously. "Besides, you know how impatient I am. When I say I'm gonna do something, I get it done as fast as possible. I'm not seriously gonna waste 100 years going after something I could just as easily accomplish in the span of a few weeks."

"Well, I can't deny that." Deadpanned Ichigo as he scratched his head in exasperation. "He always has had a habit of doing things the easy way." He explained to Yamamoto.

"Be that as it may, this is still a very serious matter." Said Yamamoto gruffly. "Because of your actions, an entire Division is now taking up residence in the 4th Division, and the property damages you caused to the 9th Division must also be taken into account and budgeted for repair."

"In other words, a nightmare of paperwork for me." Huffed Toshiro. Even though he had four wives to assist him (Rangiku still never helped, even after all these years, and Momo was too busy in the 5th Division) paperwork still somehow had a tenancy to pile up quickly. And it didn't help matters that there were a fair portion of documents that required no less than a Captain's signature, as well as the fact that the 10th Division had somehow become the unofficial Division for dealing with excess or poorly prepared paperwork. Add in the fact that both the Captain and Lieutenant of the 11th Division never got theirs done right - if they did it at all - Kyoraku-taicho never bothered with that kind of stuff, and Ukitake-taicho was usually bedridden and sometimes unable to make it through a few pages of paperwork without coughing blood on the pages, it was a recipe for disaster for the 10th Division.

"I knocked down one wall, smashed three windows, broke two toilets, and left just one Division with injuries." Defended Kaito. "I'm sure it's a hell of a lot less than what my dad and his friends did when they first came to Seireitei."

"Yeah, because we were saving your mom!" Retorted Ichigo. "Not to mention that things were a lot more complicated back then! And how the hell did you even break two toilets anyway?"

"I blasted them out of the floor and used them as blunt instruments to hit people with." Deadpanned Kaito, drawing many odd looks. "I was wearing my goggles, okay?"

Kyoraku giggled in barely contained humor at the mental image. "Seriously? Are you crazy or something?"

"About 25% so, yes." Confirmed Kaito.

"Enough!" Commanded Yamamoto as he struck the tip of his cane on the ground, bringing everyone to silence. "If you wish to make jokes, you may do so on your own time. Right now, we still have to discuss what to do with you, now that you're awake." He glared at Kaito, who just shrugged calmly.

"What do you want?" Asked Kaito calmly. "I've already laid most of my cards on the table. I just want to be Captain of the 9th Division, and I think that I've more than proven that I can do it. So, there's my cards, now where are yours?"

Still glaring at Kaito sternly, Yamamoto responded. "I will not deny that you are a Shinigami of incredible caliber. Perhaps even powerful enough to take the position you desire so much. However, I still have a great many doubts in this manner. Give me one good reason as to why I should even consider granting you the position you desire?"

Smiling slyly as he slipped on his monocle, Kaito answered calmly. _"It's very simple. Most would want such a position for the power that come with it. I just want it so that I can make manga."_ This drew several odd looks, even from his dad, who knew about this long held desire of his.

"Yes, your father mentioned as much about your hobbies." Remarked a confused Yamamoto. "However, I believe that I already explained to you that if you behaved yourself, I could pull a few strings to get your work placed into Seireitei Communications. Even though such things aren't usually printed into it."

_'Ah!'_ Realized Retsu. _'That would explain why he was so civil back then.'_

**"You don't get it, do you, Senile?"** Asked Kaito bitterly, causing Yamamoto's temper to flare. **"It's not enough that my work gets put out there, I have to aim to be the best. The only way I could be the best is if I have competition. The only way I could have competition is if there were a regular manga publication. And the only way that could happen, is if someone were making it. Do you follow what I'm saying?"**

"You just want the position so that you can make manga magazines." Realized Hisagi angrily, who had woken up in the next bed over. "And what about Seireitei Communications? That already takes quite a bit of the workforce of the 9th Division."

"You were here? I thought you'd be in intensive care right now with one leg in the grave." Asked Kaito insensitively, prompting a scowl from Hisagi. "Don't worry about it. I can multitask." He declared.

"Why you little..." Growled Hisagi.

"I see," Nodded Yamamoto, cutting off Hisagi. _'He wants the position for reasons that most people wouldn't even consider, not to mention that he seems completely uninterested in the position itself, seeing it as nothing more than a means to an end. Unique viewpoints and priorities like that always grant an outsiders perspective in military matters, letting him see everything else objectively. Not to mention his clearly straightforward perspective and obvious lack of regard for protocol may allow him to see things that others may not and take action where others would question its rationality due to being too deeply immersed in these matters. You may not like being compared to your father, Kaito, but your personalities are clearly more alike than different.'_

"Very well," Announced Yamamoto. "While your actions against the 9th Division will need to be met with some form of retribution, you have clearly shown enough skill and wisdom to make you eligible for the position of Captain."

"Captain-commander!" Exclaimed Sui-Feng in shock, a shock equally shared by her husband, if the expression on the wolf's face was anything to go by.

Kyoraku whistled in surprise. "Man, what a roundabout way to go about things, and yet he's still got a good chance at getting what he wants."

"Every time a chance for something he wants pops up," Sighed Ichigo in exasperation as he shook his head. "Every time, he winds up going for it in the easiest way possible. And almost every time, he gets what he wants."

"The markings of a true genius." Remarked Ukitake awkwardly, fearing how his Lieutenant - the boy's own mother - would react to the news that her son was up for the position of Captain. Probably not very well if the silent panic he saw on Ichigo's face was anything to go by.

"You can't be serious!" Outburst Hisagi, outraged at the very notion that he may soon actually be taking orders from someone who had just attacked him and all of his subordinates not hours ago.

"I will take your request under serious consideration." Decided Yamamoto. "However, this is also a very unusual case, so it may take some time to devise the best way to go about this. You are very lucky that we've been short a Captain for nearly two decades now, otherwise you'd be thrown in jail."

"If there were still a Captain I'd have challenged them." Smirked Kaito. "And I don't really mind waiting. **Not like I'm going anywhere for awhile.** _But if you don't terribly mind, I have a slight suggestion as to how to best go about matters."_ Gesturing for Yamamoto to come closer as he sat up, he quietly whispered something into the old man's ear, nobody else hearing a word.

"This is a very unusual suggestion you've put forth." Remarked Yamamoto. "Are you quite certain that this is how you wish you capabilities to be judged?"

"As sure as seafood is scrumptious!" Exclaimed Kaito happily.

As Yamamoto looked to Ichigo for some kind of confirmation, he simply explained. "He really likes seafood."

"Hm," Hummed Yamamoto thoughtfully as he stroked his beard. "You are certainly a very unusual case, young Kaito. Much more so than anything else that has happened in my lifetime. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't expect great things from you, hopefully to match the disaster you brought about as well." Having said everything he judged he needed to, Yamamoto left.

"I'll be honest," Smiled Kyoraku playfully. "It'll be nice to have a full roster of Captains again. Not to mention that I like the way you think. I look forward to working with ya kid." Waving goodbye as he left, he took his leave.

"He can get ahead of himself sometimes," Ukitake said as he shook his head slightly as he followed his old friend. "But I wish you the best of luck. We really have been shorthanded for far too long now."

"Blah, blah, blah." Snarked Kenpachi. "Just come see me as soon as you get out of this dump. If the old fart thinks you're tough enough to make Captain, then you and I are gonna fight. No questions."

"Even though he grates at my nerves every time I see him, I won't allow you near my nephew." Scolded Byakuya.

**"Get lost Fruitcake!"** Barked Kaito at his uncle.

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" Guffawed Kenpachi as he left. "Fruitcake! I like this kid more and more by the second!"

Byakuya didn't dignify that with a response, but as he left, his expression subtly showed his discontentment at the situation.

"You're really enjoying yourself, aren't you?" Asked Ichigo tiredly.

"What was your first clue?" Smirked Kaito. _"But in all honesty, there is not a single part of me capable of tolerating that man who dares call himself my uncle, when all right he held to such a title was forfeit even before my birth."_

"This is certainly an... interesting turn of events." Said Sajin hesitantly.

"That's putting it mildly." Said Sui-Feng sternly, with a serious glare in her eyes.

"At least we'll have some good news to tell Anubis when we get home." Said Sajin reassuringly to his wife.

"Yeah," Agreed Sui-Feng, a hint of maternal love and care flashing in her eyes for a brief moment. "Poor boy just hasn't been the same since his best friend left." She said under her breath as she and her husband left, fully aware that Kaito would hear and know that he was missed.

"I can't believe this." Grumbled Hisagi from his bed.

"You and me both, Hisagi." Agreed Ichigo. "You and me both." That said, he left.

Looking long and hard at Kaito, Retsu sighed wistfully. "It's like you're just looking for chances just to be near me."

"That obvious?" Smirked Kaito slyly.

"You're more transparent than you think." Smiled Retsu gracefully, just like everything else she did.

"I wish I could say the same about some of your clothes." Remarked Kaito playfully, Retsu's face remaining impassive. "It wouldn't kill you to try something just a bit less conservative for a change. Maybe let your hair down? You looked pretty good like that if I recall."

"Thank you." Retsu said. "But if it's all the same, I think I like my hair much more the way it is. Even if it does demand a bit more daily care."

"Perfectly understandable." Shrugged Kaito. "You wouldn't believe how much I have to shave every week and how much attention I have to give my facial hair every month to stay this handsome."

"Uh," Intervened a wide-eyed Hisagi uncertainly. "Are you two flirting?" He asked in disbelief.

"A very good question." Smirked Kaito. "Are we?" He asked Retsu with a playful wiggle of his eyebrows.

Chuckling slightly at the joking nature of Kaito's, Retsu looked back on the past several days. She knew Isane had been training Kaito for quite a while now, since she had come to talk to Retsu about the whole thing herself shortly after he had first asked her for help. After every time Isane went to train with Kaito, she would always come back with some comical tale of how determined Kaito had been, how much he had made her laugh with the slightest of remarks, and how injured he had gotten. It also didn't escape Retsu's notice that Isane had been coming to her less and less with her bizarre nightmares.

Retsu didn't hate Kaito, she really didn't. She really didn't hate anyone; she only got irritated with them. Even Aizen didn't disrupt her usual calm very much. While Kaito had certainly pushed her to the limit, she quickly bounced back better for it after she had time to resort the shaken contents of her mind. Part of her was glad that Kaito had shaken her up enough to get the last few loose ends of her life put back in order, some of her still didn't like being around Kaito all that much. But no part of her had any question of two things about him. 1) He was funny. And 2) for all his good and bad points, he was still the only person besides her mother who managed to pry out every part of her, instead of just the simple but effective maiden-like face she put on for everyone else.

"Perhaps yes, perhaps no." Smiled Retsu, causing Hisagi's jaw to drop in shock. Those four words alone were flirting if he ever saw it. "You'll have to be on your best behavior to find out."

After Retsu left, Kaito smiled slyly at a still shocked Hisagi. "Oh yeah. Your Captain has got it going on." He taunted.

"Shut up." Growled Hisagi. "You're not my Captain, and I don't recall her ever saying yes."

"I don't recall her ever saying no." Rebuked Kaito like some grade school student.

"You do realize you're an ass, right?" Asked Hisagi rhetorically.

"Yes." Deadpanned Kaito. "But seeing as how a lot of the Captains have something seriously messed about them; battle-crazed, mad scientist, fruity noble, pole-up-her-ass, womanizer, not to mention a guy who looks like he should be in grade school yet somehow has six smoking hot wives, I get the feeling that I'll fit right in."

Staring at him in anger for several seconds, but unable to do much else due to his injuries, Hisagi deadpanned. "I hate you."

Kaito was already asleep.

* * *

><p><strong>The Next Day - Retsu's Office<br>**

"What do you think you're doing here?" Asked Retsu politely.

"My punishment for attacking the 9th Division." Answered a partially recovered Kaito, a few bandages still wrapped around his head. "Since I want to lead a Division, Captain Senile thought it would be a good idea for me to get a lesson on how the lower members of a Division work. Something about a lesson in humility."

"And so he's putting you to work in the 4th Division," Understood Retsu as she got up to begin her work day. "Where a day's work involves a lot more effort and thinking than any other Division."

"Is it really that bad?" Asked Kaito nervously.

"Our job is to provide medical care and supplies to all the other Divisions," Explained Retsu. "Along with various other odd jobs here and there. So yes, there is a lot of work involved."

"Great," Groaned Kaito, already dreading his punishment. "So what's first on the list of today's menial tasks, Retsu?"

"Well, you can start by helping treat the injuries of all the people you injured yesterday." Requested Retsu. "Isane tells me that you made quick progress in learning Healing Kido."

"Great, bowing down to a bunch of people who hate me." Joked Kaito. "It's just like high school all over again! Thank you so much, Retsu!"

"You're quite welcome, Kaito." Replied Retsu, politely ignoring the obvious sarcasm. "Also, while you're working here, you'll refer to me as Unohana-taicho. Not just Retsu. Am I understood?"

"I suppose I can do that." Nodded Kaito. **"But if I wanna seduce you - which I do, as you know quite well by now - I'll need to be on a first name basis with you. Whether you like it or not."**

"And if I don't like it?" Asked Retsu in 'that' tone.

"Then I'm doing my job right." Smirked Kaito slyly. "See you around, Retsu dearest." With that, he made a quick retreat out the door.

Opening the door to take a quick peek to see if Kaito was within his incredible earshot, Retsu sighed in relief when she saw that he was nowhere to be seen. "Believe it or not Kaito, you actually have a better shot than anyone I've ever met." She whispered to herself. "Though that's mostly because you're the only one who's dared to try so far that's been completely open and honest with me."

* * *

><p><strong>Day 2 of Kaito's Punishment - Mess Hall<strong>

"This is cruel and unusual punishment." Remarked a very worn out Kaito - who somehow had more bandages than he had yesterday - as he approached the table Retsu and Isane sat at, and sat down between them as if he belonged there.

"It's not really that bad." Reassured Isane, placing a comforting hand on Kaito's shoulder. "I mean, I've been doing this kind of work for decades, and I manage just fine."

Staring at the girl with thinly veiled lack of confidence, Kaito sighed. "Somehow Isane - even though I know and appreciate that you're doing your absolute best to cheer me up - I think words like that would be more convincing coming from someone who doesn't suffer from the strangest reoccurring nightmares." Quickly scanning the room for any eavesdroppers, and not finding anything strange aside from a slightly discouraged Isane, he leaned in close and whispered, "Especially that one about Abe Lincoln and the bull sharks. That one's really messed up."

Shuddering as the terrifying images swam back into her head, Isane whispered in a panic, "Please don't remind me of that one! I still can't go to the bathroom alone at night!"

"Really?" Asked Kaito, now very interested in this conversation as he wrapped an arm around Isane's shoulder. "If it makes you feel any better, I could stay with you tonight to keep all the monsters away."

As Isane nervously tried and failed to say something in response to that, Retsu pried Kaito's arm off of her Lieutenant.

"I'm certain that Isane is very appreciative of the offer, Kaito," Thanked Retsu politely, though in 'that' tone. "However, in my Division, unless they're married, people of the opposite sex are not allowed to share a room."

However, instead of discouraging Kaito, her words only served to excite him even more. "Very well then, I'm perfectly willing to wait for Isane's sake," Leaning in closely he added, "And yours as well, of course, Retsu._ Being a Shinigami, not only do I have a very long time to wait if I have to, I'm perfectly will to wait decades, if not over a century for women of such a caliber as yourself and Isane."_

"That's very sweet of you to say, Kaito," Replied Retsu, some sternness showing through her normally 100% polite expression. "However, are you quite certain that's not just naive youth talking?"

"Positive." Smirked Kaito slyly as he leaned back to his own seat. "Until I met you and Isane, no members of the fairer sex had ever caught my eye, due to most of them being too shallow and immature for my liking. You two, however, clearly have much higher standards than most. As do I."

"Ahem!" Coughed some blond haired guy with glasses who's name escaped Kaito, interrupting his courting of Retsu, much to his anger. Though if memory served him right, the interloper was the 3rd Seat of the 4th Division. "You do know that this table is reserved for high ranking officers only, right?"

"Is that so?" Questioned Kaito as he raised an eyebrow. "Sorry about that. I wasn't aware of that little fact." In spite of his apology, he made no effort to move, and instead began eating. Silently wishing for him to go away, so he could get back to his - rather successful thus far - winning over of the two women who had caught his eye.

"AHEM!" Coughed the blond man again.

**"What?"** Asked Kaito bluntly. **"Are you sick or something? This room's full of medics in case you need any attention."**

Eyebrow twitching, the blond man who's name Kaito couldn't care less about asked, "Did you hear a word that I just said?"

_"Of course I heard my good man,"_ Replied Kaito. _"You said this table is reserved for high ranking officers, and now I'll respond in kind._ I don't care about that. Right now, this is the best way to seduce Retsu and further cement my relationship with Isane, so this is what I'm doing!" Many gasps of shock were heard around the mess hall at Kaito's - very loud - declaration, as well as several murmurs of gossip and mini-eulogies.

Blinking several times in disbelief behind his thick glasses, the blond 3rd Seat cleaned out his ears and glanced at his only two superiors in the entire Division. While Captain Unohana simply sighed in mild annoyance and got back to her meal, Lieutenant Isane blushed madly and hid behind her face behind her porridge. _'Okay, so that rules out my hearing being messed up.'_ He decided. "Are you trying to get yourself killed?" He whispered to Kaito.

"As nice as it is to hear you so concerned about the safety of others, I'd appreciate it if you not say such things in obvious reference to myself, Iemura-san." Retsu intervened, causing Iemura to stumble backwards over his own feet.

"Oh, so that's what your name was." Remarked Kaito bluntly.** "You just have that kind of easily forgettable face that most people don't think of as worth remembering, so I never bothered with your name."**

"Never bothered with..?" Sputtered Iemura. "I was your supervisor for the whole day yesterday! How can you not remember me?-!"

_"Sorry, but in all honesty, you really don't stand out that much."_ Apologized Kaito. "I mean, sure, those glasses really pull your look together, and even make you look like a total babe-magnet. But since I'm not a girl or gay, you really just don't stand out in my mind."

Blinking a few times again as he processed what he'd just been told, Iemura suddenly regarded Kaito with even more curiosity. "Really? They make me a babe-magnet?" He asked as he nervously adjusted his glasses.

"Totally!" Reassured Kaito. "They really compliment your hairstyle, and have just the right balance of bookish and scholarly that really draw in women with a taste for smart men. Not to mention that they give you the illusion of being slightly older than you really are, and it's my understanding that a lot of women in this day and age find that very attractive."

Iemura, now completely stupefied by Kaito's words, could only respond with a stunned monosyllabic, "What?"

With both Retsu and Isane chuckling at how Iemura had been reduced to a speechless mess by a few kind words, Kaito decided to play up this joke a little bit more. "Dude, trust me. If you grow a slight goatee, you'll have more women dogging your heels than you would know what to do with."

Now rubbing his chin, deep in thought, Iemura actually found himself believing some of the young man's words. "Are you sure about that?" He asked, completely hooked on the advice he was getting.

Twirling his lengthy mustache in his fingers, Kaito regarded Iemura with a serious look in his eyes. "Do you see this luxurious facial hair?" Iemura nodded. "I've had these things since before I could walk, and I've hooked Isane, and am well on my way towards courting Retsu as well. Are you doubting the word of a man with such style that he's well on his way to capturing the hearts of the two most beautiful women in Seireitei?"

The remark about his Captain and Lieutenant snapping him out of his compliment induced trance, Iemura could only look at Kaito in complete shock. Not only had he completely redirected the conversation out from under him, but if the chuckling that he could once again notice coming from the two women Kaito claimed to be seducing was anything to go by, he may actually have to take his word about how to attract women. _'But this is Captain Unohana and Lieutenant Isane we're talking about here! If he... with her... and her... then what... has the world gone mad?-!'_ His brain finally short-circuited, Iemura passed out and landed on the floor with a thud.

As someone - his dad's good friend Hanataro if he recalled correctly - went to aid the unconscious 3rd Seat, Kaito had only two words to say "Check please!"

In spite of the fact that there was a man passed out on the floor right in front of her, Isane couldn't help but laugh. "How is it that you always know exactly what to say, Kaito?"

"It's a gift." Explained Kaito rather boastfully. "A devious, evil gift. Speaking of which, where were we before we were interrupted, Retsu dearest?" He asked as he turned to Retsu, only to find that she had finished her meal and left as he had been dealing with the annoying blond who's name once again escaped him. _'Damn that blond idiot!' _Cursed Kaito mentally. _'What is it about blond haired men that makes them such retarded annoyances? Seriously, if real life experience is anything to go by, if they can't cook like a pro or out-think a chess-master, blond men have no business even existing in the first place. It's like they plan to make the lives of everyone who encounters them completely fucked up.'_

"Do you hear that?-!" Shouted Kaito suddenly as he banged his fist on the table, startling everyone in the room. "Do you hear that?-! You ramen obsessed, yapping fox-boy, with horrible taste in fashion and a messiah complex that would get you institutionalized for life in a decent world! I'm on to you, you orange obsessed, blond douche-bag! You can't run forever! I'm going to hunt you down, reach down your throat, rip out your intestines, use them to make sausages out of the rest of you, and then feed them to dogs! All while having the 12th Division keep you alive so that you can watch and feel the whole thing as it happens! Do you hear that?-! When I get my hands on you, Naruto Uzumaki, you are dead, and dog shit!" Panting furiously from his rant against a fictional character, Kaito took off his 3D goggles and looked around the room. Seeing almost everyone with their backs against the wall, it suddenly occurred that he'd lost control for a moment.

"Sorry everybody." He apologized shamefully. "If only this were a just world, I would never have had to blow my top like that. I feel really awful that I scared all of you just now. Please accept my most sincere and heartfelt apologies." Everyone except Isane frantically nodded their heads in fear.

"What..." Gasped Isane in exclamation. "Was that all about?"

"I..." Began Kaito hesitantly. "Have some... inner demons to deal with."

"Exactly what kind of inner demons could cause that?" Asked Isane in disbelief.

"Wait a second..." Requested Kaito as he held a hand to his ear. "Retsu's coming back, most likely to investigate all the noise I just made. I'll feel more comfortable explaining it to both of you at once. Not to mention that, this way, I only have to say it once."

* * *

><p>Sorry I'm stopping this chapter so abruptly, but I like to keep these things at a certain length. Next chapter, we'll conclude Kaito's work in the 4th Division, have him take the test to become Captain, and finally wrap this story up after what feels like forever, but has actually been less than half a year, which is actually pretty good by my standards for a story this long.<p> 


	13. Chapter 13

Hello again! To all of you who've been waiting for so long, your wait is finally over! I present to you all, the final chapter of 1 Face, 2 Face, 3 Face, 4th Division! Thank you all for reading this long, and I hope you enjoy my works in the future! Also, I'd like to give a very special thanks to my co-writer (who's name keeps changing, but it's currently Bigby the Big Bad Wolf) for all the help he put into making this. Without you, most of this would not have been possible.

* * *

><p><strong>Day 6 of Kaito's Punishment - Laundry Room<strong>

"You know something, Isane?" Began Kaito as he put in another load of dark colors. "I think that I'm finally getting used to this grueling work."

"That's good to hear, Kaito." Smiled Isane as she folded some clothes.

"Of course, that still doesn't make me any happier about having to do this for eight more days." He grumbled. "How do you stand doing this all the time?"

"I guess that I'm just used to always looking out for other people." Isane guessed uncertainly.

"Don't say that like it's a good thing." Deadpanned Kaito. "Would it kill you to be a little more selfish from time to time?" He complained.

"I'm... not sure that I follow..." Replied Isane in confusion. "It's right to help out other people, or at least that's what I've always thought."

"Don't get me wrong, Isane. It's good to help out others every so often," Elaborated Kaito. "But if you always do things like that, you won't have enough time for yourself, people will get used to taking advantage of you and slaking off, and before you know it, you've got a whole Division of people who wouldn't know how to take down a Hollow to save their lives. Which they will very well have to do several times in their careers. No offense intended, of course." He tagged on at the end.

Absorbing what Kaito said warily, Isane conceded that there was at least some logic behind his words. "Well... that may be somewhat true, since those of us at the 4th Division do a lot of work that differs from what most divisions do, and because of that, we don't have that much time for doing too much training..."

**"Bullshit!"** Exclaimed Kaito, causing Isane to jump in surprise, fumble with the laundry she was folding, and fall over.

"Ow, my head." Groaned Isane as she rubbed her forehead in pain. "It feels like I hit my head on a rock."

"Nope, just my head." Corrected Kaito, who, much to Isane's shock and panic, she had landed on top of. "Though I've been told that it's just as hard, if not more so."

"AHHH! I'm sorry!" Isane apologized as she frantically tried to get up, only for Kaito to pin her down on top of him. "P-P-Please let me go!"

"No thank you!" Smiled Kaito. "I like this just the way it is." He punctuated his sentence with a firm grasp of her butt.

"EEP!" Squeaked Isane, her face turning redder than a tomato as Kaito slid his other hand slowly up and down her back. "K-K-K-K-Kaito! Please stop. I-I-I-I know that we're... we're something, but I really don't think that now, or even in the near future is the best time to-"

"Blah, blah, blah. That's the trouble with people wherever I go, and wherever I look. They never know how to maximize their schedule." Complained Kaito as he ran the hand that had been grasping her butt down her thigh, sending shivers through her body. "Here. Take a look at the schedule I've been using ever since my punishment for attacking the 9th Division started. It's just a rough sketch, but I think you'll be both pleasantly, and unpleasantly surprised." As he said this, he reached into a pocket he'd obviously sewn onto the top of his uniform, and drew out both his monocle, and a piece of paper. _"Take one look at this, and I think that you'll understand exactly what I'm talking about, and why I think so little of how the Gotei 13 runs things. After all, if you know how to plan things out and improvise at the same time, you can accomplish the same amount of work in a fraction of the time most people would take."_ He explained as he let her go and handed her the slip of paper.

Scrambling to her feet, Isane quickly snatched the slip of paper out of his hand, but opened it slowly and shakily out of nervousness. "Now let's see..." She muttered to herself as she took a look at the schedule. Like Kaito had said, it was just a rough outline, and a very rough one at that.

_6:00 AM - 6:00 PM : Officially, work at the 4th Division - Unofficially, get Kido and Flash Steps training in, take a few naps, eat, take lots of bathroom breaks, draw manga in spare time. - Total amount of time. 12 hours. Total amount of actual "official" work time. 4 Hours._

Isane just stared at the first line. Not believing what she had just read. Also, scattered around the words were various manga-style drawings of Kaito doing the things listed in the description. All of which were so good as to make one seriously doubt that he could possibly be related to Rukia Kurosaki, who was know throughout all of the Gotei 13 as having less art skills than a child.

"Pretty impressive artistry skills if I do say so myself." Boasted Kaito. "You wouldn't believe how much practice I had to do to get that good. Believe me, with my genetics, it was neither a short road, nor an easy one."

_'Okay, so apparently he did inherit his mother's art skills.' _Thought Isane. _'He just worked really hard to get around them.'_ Continuing with the schedule, she saw that there were only two other items on the list.

_6:00 PM - 9:00 PM: Hang out with Isane, friends, and family. Also, work on seducing Retsu._

Isane would be lying if she said that she wasn't at least a little bit flattered that he made three hours a day to spend with people he cared about. However, she would also be lying if she said that she wasn't at least a little bit offended, and even more flustered by the drawings of her and her captain in wedding kimonos. _'I think that he's getting a little bit ahead of himself here.'_ She thought with no small amount of embarrassment as she looked at the next item on the list.

_9:00 PM - Whenever the hell I get knocked out: Sparring with the 11th Division._

"Sparring with the... 11th Division?" Gaped Isane as she saw drawings of Kaito beating Yumichika into the ground. Kaito and Ikkaku swinging bokken at each other with one hand each, only for both of their weapons to be broken by their free hands which were throwing punches. And most startling and unsettling of all, Kaito lying beaten and battered and Kenpachi's feet.

"Not much fun, I'll say that much." Remarked Kaito as he pointed to some of the various bandages adorning his body. Several of which, Isane finally noticed, had obviously been added since his punishment first started five days ago. "I always beat the stuffing out of Yumichika, my wins against Ikkaku only slightly outnumber the loses, and no matter how many hits I get in against Kenpachi, I always get pounded into the ground. Even though we're just using bokken, getting hit by that guy still hurts like hell."

"Of course it does." Shuddered Isane. "This is one of the most powerful Shinigami in Seireitei we're talking about here. I can't believe that you've been fighting them for days now. What could have motivated you to do something like that?"

"Shonen training methods." Said Kaito, as if it explained everything.

"What?" Asked Isane in confusion.

"Shonen training methods." Kaito repeated. "Where fighting a bunch of strong people helps you get stronger really quickly. Stuff like that works all the time."

"Well... I'll admit that there's some logic to it... but still..." Said Isane hesitantly.

**"Don't worry so much about it."** Chided Kaito. **"This is only gonna go on until I only have three days left on my sentence of community service, and then I'll stop to rest up for my big plan."**

"Big plan? What big plan?" Asked Isane sternly.

_"Nothing that you need concern your beautiful head with, Isane."_ Said Kaito gently as he quickly planted a kiss on Isane's cheek, sending her into a nervous mini-spasm. _"And you need not concern yourself with it either, my dearest Retsu."_ He said playfully as he flash stepped around the corner and caught an eavesdropping Retsu by the hand as she tried to escape, followed by a swift but smooth motion that let him wrap his arms around her from behind. _"It's rude to spy on people, I'll have you know, my dearest."_ He mock scolded her.

"Just as it's rude to grab people from behind and call them your dearest." Replied Retsu, not missing a beat.

"Aw, and here I thought that we'd progressed past that awkward phase when two people start dating and they're both too nervous to move things along." Mocked Kaito playfully as he tightened his hold on Retsu.

"I don't seem to recall us ever entering that phase in the first place." Mused Retsu as she removed Kaito's arms from her person with ease. In spite of her appearance, Retsu was still a Captain, and therefor, very strong.

"Your words wound me, Retsu dearest." Said Kaito playfully as he placed a hand against his heart in mock hurt. "I thought that we'd had a real connection for a long time now."

"I suppose that you're the only one who thought that then." Said Retsu, ever present smile still there.

_"No, I don't believe that I am."_ Smirked Kaito cryptically. _"You're just very good at hiding it."_

"Think what you will." Said Retsu as she took her leave. _'Your words aren't all that incorrect, Kaito. But you still have a ways to go.'_

* * *

><p><strong>Day 14 of Kaito's Punishment - Retsu's Room<br>**

"There! I've finally served my sentence of community service!" Sighed Kaito in relief as he fell backwards onto the futon. "I think I'm gonna take a load off for tonight."

"In my room, and my futon?" Asked Retsu sarcastically. Normally she'd just scare anyone who dared to do something like that away, but Retsu knew better by now than to try her usual methods. "As I've said before, you really don't have much in the way of manners."

"I don't care." Smiled Kaito. "You wanna keep me company tonight, Retsu dearest?"

Sighing, Retsu responded, "If that didn't work the last three times you tried it, what makes you think it will work this time?"

"Because I got rid of a crazy, stalker-type, pervert that's been following you for weeks today?" Joked Kaito as he crawled over to Retsu.

"Yes, because I already have you for that, and I'd rather no one ruin what I have going for me there." Smiled Retsu sarcastically. She found that she'd been using much more emotional language ever since Kaito entered her life, and refused to get out of it already.

"Flattery will get you nowhere, Retsu!" Declared Kaito loudly as he stood bolt upright. "Because I'm already right by your side, we don't need to go anywhere!"

"I'd much rather that you go away." Denied Retsu, though not without a certain degree of humor in her voice.

_"Very well,"_ Accepted Kaito gracefully, which actually surprised Retsu slightly. Since when did any of the four Kaito's she knew give up so easily. For a moment, she thought that he may have developed yet another personality... At least until she heard what he had to say next. _"I suppose that I'll sleep with Isane again tonight."_ He said as he was halfway out the door, when Retsu suddenly grabbed him by the sleeve of his uniform.

"Excuse me," Began Retsu, veiled anger noticeable in her voice. "Did you just say that you were going to sleep with Isane 'again'?"

_"My dearest Retsu,"_ Began Kaito as he swiftly turned around and pulled her into a hug, much to her shock. _"I've been bedding with her for the past several days now. Keeping all manner of her nightmares at bay. Had I but known that you'd get this jealous, I'd surely have invited you into the fold sooner."_

"I'm not jealous, and you have invited me," Retsu pointed out. "Several times, as a matter of fact. Or do you not recall last night's serenade?"

**"What do you want from me here?-!"** Exploded Kaito, not surprising Retsu in the least, as she was used to such insanity from him by this point. **"I'm pulling out all the stops! I've tried music, poetry, jokes, chasing off perverts, honesty in all my intentions, fancy-pants shit and words, engaging conversation, romantic seduction, I've even made your tea for the past two weeks! I know that we really got off on the wrong foot, but seriously! What will it take to please you?-!"**

As was usual with Kaito, Retsu had to take a moment to absorb all of what he was saying. And when she did, she slowly began to realize that he actually had something of a point with his latest bout of insanity. What would it take to please her? By all accounts, Kaito was a perfectly fine, if not somewhat bizarre individual. All the points he'd brought up just now were totally valid, and he'd never once given her reason to believe that he would do anything malicious without reason. Back when he put her through her own personal hell during his first stay in the 4th Division, he only treated her as badly as she treated him by landing him there in the first place, for reasons that weren't his fault. Even when he attacked the 9th Division, he clearly made certain not to hurt anyone too badly, since everyone involved had fully recovered within three days.

For once in her life, Retsu was completely and utterly stumped. And again, the major upheaval in her life was due to Kaito. How could someone be completely open with everything, yet still manage to confuse people so easily? "Kaito Kurosaki. You are an enigma." She muttered.

"An enigma?" Parroted Kaito, curiosity and excitement bubbling up in his voice. "Do you mean that in a good way, like some enchanting, mysterious, not to mention highly attractive stranger? Or in a bad way, like some weirdo street bum who goes around your neighborhood every night, collecting cans in a shopping cart for reasons you want to know, but also don't want to have to find out for yourself?"

Giggling at his joke, Retsu responded in good nature. "What if I said, both, but neither?"

Staring at her, mouth agape as he switched his eyepieces in a pattern from monocle, to sunglasses, to goggles, and back again, Kaito eventually switched to no eyepieces, and broke out in a huge, toothy grin. "I'd say, he shoots, he scores!" Bursting out into laughter, he grabbed Retsu in a big bear-hug, and began to dance her around the room.

"Kaito! Calm down!" Retsu demanded as she managed to pull herself together and get him to stop twirling around the room. "What has gotten into you?" She asked. "Well, I suppose that I should ask what's gotten into you besides the usual oddities." She amended. After all, Kaito was already plenty weird to start with.

"Because," Began Kaito, barely able to contain his excitement. "What you said just now is a total yes if I ever saw it."

"Yes?" Parroted Retsu, slightly concerned as to what Kaito thought she said yes to. "What do you mean by yes?"

"By yes, I mean that you're saying yes to me." Smiled Kaito as he pulled Retsu into another big hug. "And I couldn't be any happier to hear that."

Not needing any time to try and understand him this time, his meaning now perfectly obvious, Retsu once again pried Kaito off of her. "What makes you think that I said yes to any of your advances?" She asked sternly. "I don't know what you think constitutes a yes, but by all means, please tell me."

"When you said 'what if I said, both, but neither' I knew right then and there that all my hard work had finally paid off." Smiled Kaito enthusiastically, which really made him look rather outlandish given both his copious facial hair, and the fact that he took heavily after his father.

Shaking her head at his outlandishness, or was it his perceptiveness? Retsu again dared the confusion that was Kaito. "What part of that sounds like yes to you?"

"You can't really explain it." Shrugged Kaito. "You just sort of know. It's just something in your expression and voice that tells me you want this. Like something out of the ending of a shojo manga. Not that I read those!" He hastily tagged on at the end.

Shaking her head at having been found out, Retsu regarded Kaito thoroughly before planting a kiss on his cheek, lighting up his face brilliantly in doing so. "Well, I can honestly say that you've got your prize." The moment she said that, Kaito literally started dancing for joy. "So. Now that you've got both the girls, what are you going to do with them?" She asked slyly. Retsu may not have any experience in regards to romance outside of some childhood crushes of hers and Kaito's numerous, not to mention highly successful advances advances, but it was a moderately well know fact that she had some hidden, rather adult tastes in these matters, comparable to those of Rangiku Hitsugaya.

"I'll go get Isane, and my pajamas, and my toothbrush, and my futon, and a whole bunch of other things I don't really need, but wanna bring anyway since it'll help me feel like I'm moving out of my parent's house and into the home of my new lovers!" Said a motormouth Kaito. "I'm also gonna have to tell my parents that I'm moving out." He tagged at the end as he quickly opened the sliding door, causing an eavesdropping Isane to stumble into the room, and into Kaito's waiting arms. "And what are you doing here, my wonderfully cute little spy?"

Isane stood silent. Between hearing that her captain had finally caved into the advances of Kaito - who she was finally getting comfortable referring to as her boyfriend - being found out for spying, and being called both cute AND little, her tongue was tied and her face was red.

"Ah, don't worry about it!" Smiled Kaito widely, before planting a sudden and enthusiastic kiss on Isane's lips, causing her to tense up even more. "I can already kinda tell what you wanted anyway. Probably something about wanting to know where I was, and you being worried about having nightmares without me around." Isane could only gape at his very accurate observation. "Well, if that's the case, feel free to get ready for bed with Retsu, because I'm moving in! YAHOO!" He exclaimed as he rushed off.

Blinking several times in confusion as she absorbed what had just happened, Isane turned towards Retsu, and said but a single word. "What?"

Smiling more brightly than usual, Retsu gently guided her befuddled Lietenant - and fellow member of the welcoming love triangle she had recently joined - into her room. "I'll explain as Kaito's getting ready, but I think it's safe to say that you won't be having any more nightmares for quite a while."

* * *

><p><strong>Later - Kurosaki Household<strong>

"Kaito... dare I ask what it is you're doing?" Asked Ichigo worriedly as he watched his son frantically pack everything in his room into a laundry cart he'd stolen.

"Remember that girlfriend I mentioned?" Asked Kaito as he carefully began to pack his prized collection of One Piece novels.

"Barely," Muttered Ichigo. "You haven't said anything about her besides the fact that you got one. Something I'm still skeptical about."

"I'm moving in with her and my other girlfriend." Said Kaito as if her were talking about the weather, while beginning the long process of packing the rest of his manga. Suddenly, his dad whacked him on the head. **"OW! What was that for ya old coot!-?"** Demanded Kaito angrily.

"My apologies," Said Ichigo sarcastically as he dusted his knuckles. "But I could have sworn that you just said something about two girlfriends. Of course, that's obviously just some misunderstanding on my part, right?"

"If I say that it's no misunderstanding, are you gonna hit me again?" Asked Kaito fearfully, before dodging another blow from his father. "I'll just take that as a yes."

"Have you been reading harem manga again?-!" Ichigo demanded as he tried to get Kaito in a headlock, who was proving too slippery to do so.

"If I say yes, are you gonna pull out your Zanpakuto?" Asked Kaito fearfully, before deflecting Zangetsu with Yamata no Orochi. "I'll just take that as a yes."

"You know what I told you about that stuff." Growled Ichigo.

"That it's sick, perverted, will rot my brain, and make me wind up just like Kon?" Recalled Kaito perfectly from memory, prompting an incoming kick from his dad, which he once again dodged.

"You're lucky your mom's in Karakura Village with your sister, otherwise you'd be in some real trouble." Ichigo scoffed at his son's callous disregard for even the most basic of ground rules he'd set for him.

"In my defense, now that I've got two lovers, there's not gonna be anything you can do about it." Stated Kaito bluntly.

"Of course there's something that I can do about it." Boasted Ichigo as he finally managed to grab his son by his mustache, which was very painful for Kaito. "I'm your dad, so it's part of my job description to make you miserable from time to time. Now we're going to head out and straighten this whole thing out. You got that?"

"But I keep telling you, there's nothing you can do about it." Winced Kaito as he tried to get his mustache free of his dad's grip, but his fingers held strong. "Ow! Child abuse! I call child abuse!"

"We'll see about that after I have a word with them." Growled Ichigo. "And it's not child abuse in a situation like this!"

"At least let me pack my stuff first!" Complained Kaito as he tried to reach for his manga.

"What for? You're not staying with them." Scoffed Ichigo as he let go of Kaito's mustache.

"And I say I will," Smirked Kaito as he continued packing his vast collection of manga. "Won't it be fun to see which of us is right?"

"You've been watching 90's television shows again, haven't you?" Asked Ichigo bluntly.

"Just a few things here and there." Hummed Kaito as he finally got halfway through packing his manga.

"You know that you're gonna have to unpack that stuff when we get back." Ichigo said, finally managing to compose himself in the face of his son's surprisingly perverted ways.

"Like I said, I'm going to stay with them." Kaito repeated as he got three-quarters of his manga collection in the cart.

"Fine, pack your stuff." Waved Ichigo dismissively. "Just don't come crying to me when you have to unpack it all."

"I won't be crying, because I'll be with the two greatest women in Seireitei when I'm unpacking this stuff." Remarked Kaito as he finally managed to get the last of his manga collection into the cart. "Alright then! Time to start packing my video games and clothes!"

"The cart is already almost full with just your manga!" Ichigo exploded.

* * *

><p><strong>Back at the 4th Division<strong>

"So..." Hummed Ichigo as his son lead him through the barracks. "These girls you seem so fond of are members of the 4th Division, eh?"

"Yep." Said Kaito as he happily pushed the overly full laundry cart to Retsu's room. "You seem to be taking this a bit better now."

"Don't get so cocky." Scolded Ichigo. "Like I said before, I don't approve of this."

"Why not?" Asked Kaito. "They make me happy, and I make them happy. I don't see any problems here."

"That's because you've been reading harem manga when I specifically told you not to." Scoffed Ichigo. "Honestly, how two people as different as us could be of the same blood is beyond me."

"Your blood and my blood are also grandpa Isshin's blood," Pointed out Kaito. "So maybe that has something to do with it?"

"I said our relation is beyond me," Ichigo pointed out. "I never said anything about your idiot grandpa. That's an entirely different story altogether."

"At this juncture is there really that much of a difference?" Asked Kaito as he came to a stop. "Here we are."

"Good," Huffed Ichigo. "Because I have a few choice words ready for whoever these two loose women are."

"I'll be sure to tell them you said that." Grinned Kaito like the Cheshire Cat as he knocked on the door.

Before the door opened, Ichigo had been fully ready to talk some sense into whoever these two loose women were, and scold his son until he got the message. After the door opened, Ichigo was sputtering like a broken down engine, and frantically worrying about escape routes.

"Kaito, Kurosaki-taicho," Smiled Retsu, who had changed into her pajamas. "My, this is certainly quite the surprise. Tell me Kaito, what is your father doing here?"

"Well, you know that I'm here to move in," Said Kaito before kissing Retsu on the cheek, sending his father into another sputtering fit. "As for my dad, he has a few things he wanted to say to you and Isane. Isn't that right dad?" He said, ignoring his father's frantic hand gestures for no.

"Oh, he does?" Smiled Retsu knowingly, causing Ichigo to sweat bullets. "What exactly do you have to say to me that couldn't wait until morning?"

"I... I... I..." Panicked Ichigo as he struggled to look anywhere but Retsu, catching sight of Isane looking apologetic a few times. "I... just wanted to help my son unpack?" He said, hoping that was the right answer.

"How very thoughtful of you Kurosaki-taicho." Thanked Retsu, causing Ichigo to exhale in relief. "I wasn't aware that you knew of mine and Isane's relationship with Kaito. It all happened very recently, after all."

"Dad was getting suspicious about my packing and wanted some answers," Explained Kaito as he began unpacking. "Isn't that right, dad?" Ichigo, frantic for a lifeline, nodded like crazy.

"That's very thoughtful of you." Said Retsu appreciatively. "To be honest, this was just something that Kaito suddenly decided on his own, and I was skeptical about it. But if you're giving your approval, I see no reason not to go through with this."

_'That little punk!'_ Screamed Ichigo internally as Kaito handed him some of his clothes and a box. _'He set me up right from the start!'_ Cursing his son's abnormal craftiness and his own gullibility, Ichigo had no choice but to help his son move into the same living quarters as two women who the boy had somehow managed to win over. He didn't know how this had happened. After Kaito's first encounter with Retsu upon entering Seireitei, such a crazy idea would never have crossed his mind. But somehow it had happened, and now he was stuck assisting in it.

* * *

><p><strong>The Next Day - 9th Division Sparring Grounds<strong>

"WOO-HOO!" Cheered Kaito loudly as he jumped from rooftop to rooftop, swinging his sword wildly in one hand, several Captains and Lieutenants of the Gotei 13 watching in mild embarrassment below. "This is all mine now! This building! These training grounds! These subordinates! Everything!"

"Don't you think you're getting ahead of yourself there?" Growled Hisagi. "Last I checked, the Captain-commander didn't say anything about you being a Captain."

"Yet, that is!" Smiled Kaito energetically as he got up in Hisagi's face. "All I need to do is kick a bit more ass, and I'll have my own manga company!"

"You mean Division of the Gotei 13." Said Hisagi bitterly.

"Same thing to me." Pointed out Kaito as he patted Hisagi on the head. **"Bring out the dummy! I wanna kick ass and bust heads!"**

"By dummy, I can only assume that you mean the opponent you requested for this match." Interpreted Yamamoto.

"Like I said before, it's all the same to me." Said Kaito enthusiastically as he jumped down to the sparring grounds.

"Very well." Nodded Yamamoto, getting straight to the point. "I can see that there will be no need for words with you. Therefore, you shall commence immediately. Kuchiki-taicho!"

"Right away, Sotaicho." Nodded Byakuya, drawing his sword and stepping into the arena.

"Nii-sama..." Whispered Rukia worriedly. "Kaito!" She panicked as she tried to step forward, only to be stopped by her husband.

"Let him go, Rukia." Said Ichigo.

"But Kaito-"

"Has a lot of issues to work out with his uncle." Ichigo reassured her.

**"He is not my uncle!"** Exploded Kaito. **"He's just a fruitcake who tried to kill you both on multiple occasions!"**

"See what I mean?" Said Ichigo tiredly. "Besides, if we tried to get in the way of this, a demon might come after us." He said nervously as he cast a quick sideways glance at both of his son's girlfriends, one of whom he did not, under any circumstances want to get on the bad side of.

"What do you mean?" Rukia asked curiously. But before she could press the matter further, she heard a loud shout.

"Leeeeeerooooooy Jenkins!" Shouted Kaito as he blindly rushed in against Byakuya, swinging his sword wildly all the way, and then they locked swords.

"I see that you're just as reckless as your father." Remarked Byakuya coldly as he parried Kaito's sword, only to suddenly get a deep slash in his right leg from out of nowhere. "What?" He said as he jumped back with his one good leg, shocked that he'd somehow been caught off guard so easily.

"Don't ever compare me to my dad! Fruitcake!" Shouted Kaito who suddenly had two swords, had taken a more professional stance, and a chain of light was connected to the hilt of one of his swords.

"A dual Zanpakuto." Byakuya realized. "And you used it without a release command." Attempting to get some more distance, Byakuya found that the chain of light hanging from Kaito's Zanpakuto was wrapped around his right leg where he had been struck. "And you're using Kido without casting the spell? It would seem that breaking all the traditions and laws of nature Seireitei knows and holds dear seems to run in the family as well."

"Stop saying that!" Shouted Kaito as he yanked on the chain jerking them both forward. "How would you like it if I compared you to all the homosexual stereotypes that give homos like you a freaky name."

"You already do." Reminded Byakuya as he tried to cut the chain linking them, but to no avail.

"For your information, that's Bakudo Number 63 - Sajo Sabaku, and I did use a spell! I just said it quietly." Huffed Kaito as he gave the chain another yank.

"I see." Said Byakuya with as much dignity as a man with a chain around his leg could muster. "Then you must have done the same trick with your Zanpakuto as well."

"What can I say?" Shrugged Kaito. "I fight dirty, Uncle Fruitcake!"

His perpetual scowl deepening, Byakuya responded, "When I win this fight, I'll make certain that you stop calling me that. Scatter - Senbonzakura!"

"And when I win, you'll start wearing pink like the fruitcake I know you really are!" Exclaimed Kaito. "Bakudo Number 37 - Tsuriboshi!" After saying this, a length of Kido stretched between the tips of his Zanpakuto.

* * *

><p>Looking on at the battle, Ichigo laughed at the banter going on, Rukia stomped on his foot for it, and they got in an argument about it until the laughter of almost everybody else got too loud for them to continue, and they quieted down enough to pay better attention.<p>

"Does this look more like a fight, or a comedy duo to you?" Asked Ichigo as Kaito used the net between his Zanpakuto to catch several of Senbonzakura's blades, and asked if Byakuya ever even had sex with his late wife.

"Based on how much almost everyone else here is laughing, I'd say comedy." Rukia said as some of Senbonzakura's blades managed to cut Kaito on the arm, while Byakuya told Kaito that it was none of his business.

"What surprises me is how well Kaito's doing against Byakuya." Said Ichigo as Byakuya tried to have some of his blades cut the chain connecting him to Kaito, who launched some lightning Kido down the chain to zap Byakuya, and repel the blades.

"I felt the same way when you managed to beat him." Said Rukia, prompting Kaito to quickly flip her the bird, before doing a somersault and catching several more blades of Senbonzakura in his Kido net.

"I'd get mad at you for that comment, but it looks like Kaito beat me to it." Snarked Ichigo as Kaito fired a Kido blast, and swung the chain like a whip in an effort to trip Byakuya up and catch him in the blast, but only managing to get his arm.

"What surprises me is how he's able to manage so much Kido in quick succession." Noticed Rukia as Byakuya decided to stop messing around and unleashed his Ban Kai. "Not only is Kaito's Reiatsu only around Lieutenant level, but he doesn't seem to be losing any energy from all those spells."

"Allow me to explain," Intervened Retsu, much to Rukia's confusion and Ichigo's panic. "Kaito is quite the kleptomaniac, and a while ago, he stole several devices from Mr. Ishida that Quincy use to store Spirit Particles, and he has improvised them for use in storing energy he doesn't use during day-to-day life, so he can use that energy when he needs it." As she said this, Byakuya sent a massive amount of blades at Kaito. Something missed by his parents, who were distracted by Retsu's unusual amount of knowledge on the situation.

"How would you know about something like that?" Gaped Rukia as the blades that had gone at Kaito parted to reveal a bubble made of the same Kido spell that Kaito had used to make a net. Which, based on the many tiny blades and bloody holes in it, Kaito had used to defend himself. "I'm his mother, and I only found out about his kleptomania last year!"

"I know about all of this only because he told me himself." Retsu explained while Ichigo frantically gestured 'No', a slightly more bloody Kaito turned the ball of Kido and blades into a mace and swung it wildly at Byakuya, and Byakuya dodged it with ease. "We had quite a lengthy discussion about our histories and interests over our lunch date earlier today."

_**"WHAAAAAT?-!"**_ Shouted almost everyone who overheard Retsu's remark.

* * *

><p>Byakuya would be lying if he said that some small part of him didn't find joy in attacking his own nephew. After all the berating, insults, and questions about his sexuality thrown at him by the boy over the years, it felt good to vent his anger. Until something caught him off guard as he dodged another Kido spell.<p>

**_"WHAAAAAT?-!"_** Sounded several shocked voices in Byakuya's ears all at once, causing him to trip over his own feet and fell straight into another spell and get his face blown up. He thought that his getting caught off guard was only going to be a one-time slip-up, and quickly righted himself.

And of course he was wrong.

"Retsu!" Shouted Kaito. "I told you that I wanted to be the one to tell everyone that we're dating!"

"What?" Zoned out Byakuya for an instant, and on that instant, Kaito capitalized.

It all happened so quickly, that if you weren't paying attention, you'd miss it entirely. First, Kaito launched himself forward, his dual Zanapakuto poised to strike. Then, he struck forward in a stab with one sword, but Byakuya managed to get his wits about him in time and deflect it, at the cost of getting some of his own blades caught in his arm. Next, Kaito came at Byakuya with a slash of his other sword, and the pattern repeated. But then, all of a sudden, Byakuya felt a pain in his chest, and that's when he saw it. Kaito's Zanpakuto wasn't a dual type, it was three separate blades! One in each hand, and the third in his mouth, the latter of which had pierced through Byakuya's lung, when he had least expected it. But Kaito's onslaught wasn't done yet. All at once, the ball of Kido webs and blades which Byakuya had completely forgotten in his shock at having been stabbed through the chest, finally caught up with the one who had made it in the first place, who quickly pulled his sword out of his uncle's torso and got out of the way, right before it drove itself straight at Byakuya.

_'Fuck.'_ Byakuya thought in the split-second before the ball of Kido and blades collided with him, and sent him flying into the walls of the training ground.

* * *

><p><strong>The Next Day - 4th Division<strong>

Whistling as he walked down the halls, newly dubbed Captain of the 9th Division, Kaito Kurosaki made his way to his uncle's hospital room for a visit. On his way there, he ran into two very welcome faces.

"Hello, Kaito," Greeted Retsu brightly. "How are your injuries doing?"

"Pretty good, considering that I came out of an epic fight with my Fruitcake uncle yesterday." Smiled Kaito through the various bandages on his person. "And how are my two favorite women in all of Seireitei doing on this day?"

"Things have been alright," Said Isane happily. "Though your uncle hasn't been very happy about losing that fight to you yesterday."

"In my defense, I wasn't trying to knock out any of his front teeth." Said Kaito. "I was actually aiming more towards his canines. Just to give him a little more character."

"Well either way, he's demanding that we put a new one in." Said Retsu.

"I'd pay to see that." Laughed Kaito. "That is, if I didn't already know a few people that could get me in for free."

"I'm not sure that he'll want to see you anytime soon." Joked Isane. "Especially not after that little get well gift you sent him yesterday." She started giggling in memory of the frilly pink shirt Byakuya had thrown out almost the moment he woke up from his injuries.

"I know, but I still wanna see him anyway." Said Kaito with a glint in his eye as they arrived outside Byakuya's private room. "I have a few things I need to show him anyway."

"Why do I get the feeling this will end with more injuries?" Smiled Retsu knowingly.

"Because you know me too well." Chuckled Kaito as he opened the door and walked in, his parents already there, and his disgruntled uncle in bed, with extensive injuries. Byakuya didn't look happy to see Kaito, and Rukia didn't seem too thrilled about Retsu and Isane being their either. "Whoa, who died?"

"My dignity." Scowled Byakuya bitterly.

"Don't mind him," Waved away Ichigo. "If I were you, I'd be more worried about-"

"Excuse me." Interrupted Rukia. "Kaito, Isane, Retsu. I'd like a word with you three. Now." She said sternly.

"Mom look alert!" Panicked Kaito as he hid himself under a table. "Please don't hurt me!"

"I'm not going to hurt you." Scoffed Rukia. "I save that kind of stuff for your father. Besides, thanks to your choice in women, I wouldn't be able to get away with it."

"Don't mind me." Smiled Retsu. "I know better than to interrupt family matters."

"Traitor!" Accused Kaito. "Still love you though. Three of us still on for classic movie night tomorrow?"

"Of course." Said Retsu understandingly.

"Wouldn't miss it for the world." Smiled Isane. "You're going to love the movies he brought, Retsu. Trust me on this one."

"AHEM!" Went Rukia, drawing attention back to herself. "As I was saying, we need to talk."

"Of course, Kurosaki-fukutaicho." Agreed Retsu gracefully. "Or perhaps I should just call you Rukia from now on?"

"Rukia's fine." Reassured Rukia. "Now I know I don't have to tell you to take this seriously, Isane."

"Of course not, Rukia." Said Isane nervously, suddenly feeling like joining Kaito under the table.

"And I know that I really don't need to tell you to take this seriously, Retsu."

"Of course not, Rukia." Nodded Retsu. "I may have never have had a boyfriend before, but I think that I know and understand the ins and outs of maintaining a healthy relationship."

"Good." Nodded Rukia. "But as for you, young man..." She said as she loomed over the table Kaito was hiding under and pulled him out by the scruff of his new Haori. "I don't know how you got a twisted idea like a love triangle in your head, and at this point, it's too late to do anything about it. But know this. Relationships are very serious business. If you wimp out on this like some coward, I will personally give both of these ladies permission to get payback. Do you understand me?"

Shuddering in his mother's burning gaze, Kaito shakily slipped on his goggles. "Of course I understand, mommy! Why do you think I went for two women at once in the first place? If I ever get into a disagreement with one, the other can help sort it out."

"The logic of a lunatic." Sighed Byakuya, embarrassment at his nephew's antics rolling off of him like waves.

"If you think I'm bad, just wait until you see the videos." Joked Kaito, eyebrows wiggling like caterpillars.

"Videos?" Parroted Byakuya worriedly. "What videos?"

"Um..." Muttered Isane nervously, her hand raised in the air. "I... may have recorded your entire fight with Kaito yesterday... at his request."

"And I posted it on the web." Admitted Kaito, shamelessly jerking his thumb towards himself with a grin.

"...You mean?" Byakuya said nervously.

* * *

><p><strong>11th Division Barracks<strong>

Several of the rouges and ruffians of the 11th Division, who usually spend the majority of their time either fighting, drinking, eating, sleeping, or smoking, were instead partaking in an entirely different activity than usual.

Watching internet videos of Byakuya getting beaten by his nephew.

"BAHAHAHAHA!" Laughed Ikkaku and several others loudly. "Wait, wait, wait a second! Play that last part back again!"

"Okay, okay." Chuckled Yumichika, straining to keep his own voice level as he turned the video back a bit. "Just one more time, before I do something I may regret."

The video was at the last part, being played back in super slow motion. Every second of a huge ball of hard, sticky, blade filled Kido gunk splattering all over Byakuya like a deadly banana cream pie, before he got sent flying off-screen. This sent all the viewers into another round of uncontrollable laughter.

"How did he make his third Zanpakuto just appear out of nowhere?" Asked one guy in stitches.

"He can probably make any of three blades appear and disappear whenever he wants." Said another guy laughing on the floor.

"That would explain why he always sparred with me, Yumichika, and Zaraki-taicho with one, two, or three swords whenever he got the chance." Guffawed Ikkaku. "He must have been practicing for this fight the whole time."

"He'd certainly make a good sparring partner for Zaraki-taicho." Chuckled Yumichika. "Provided, of course that he can learn to fight without Kido."

And of course, all throughout Seireitei, many others were watching and enjoying the video of the fight between Kaito and Byakuya.

* * *

><p><strong>Aftermath<strong>

You may be curious as to how the story continues. Well, there's not much to say, at least nothing that would really draw too much attention for a while. Kaito continues to inprove and deepen his relationship with Retsu and Isane. He starts up both Monthly Seireitei Jump for people in Seireitei like himself, who want to get a start at writing manga, and Weekly Seireitei Jump to sell copywritten manga from the land of the living, without having to pay any royalties. However, he has a strict policy of printing two chapters of One Piece a week, as it would boost sales, and refusing to let Naruto in, as it would cause sales to plummet. He also runs Seireitei Communications better than Hisagi could ever manage.

He even starts up a Sake brewing business on the side, just to rake in some extra cash by just letting three different brews ferment in large containers. His secret ingredients are closely guarded, but I suppose I can tell you. In one brew, he uses Hollow Bones. In another, he uses Hollow Skin. And in the last, he uses Hollow Liver. Don't tell anyone I told you this. It could get me in big trouble. Also noteworthy of mention is that shortly after becoming a Captain, he takes up a habit of smoking a certain brand of cigars every other day, and refuses to accept anything but that brand.

* * *

><p>There! I'm done! I don't care if you think it's rushed, it's done! And to those of you who are interested, I've put up a poll for future projects. But be warned, I'll be focusing on fanfictions for a certain harem manga for a while, so don't expect any more Bleach.<p> 


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